Did it count?

it hurts. and it made everything that happened seemed like a bad dream. what we had, was it real?

i know i should not judge you, i should believe that what we had while we had was real. but it isn't, right?

you were suppose to love me the most. perhaps, i've drawn away the past few years, subconciously, cos i know that i had already lost you. lost you to the traditions that you were brought up with. i couldn't blame u for that, could i? u cannot choose the circumstances that you were born into. however, i really hope that you were different.

i know that i should move on already, i will and i can. i loved u once, and that was that. 

RIP.

Starting A Family

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm suffering from depression. Seems like a mild form of depression. Alone, I feel so down and lack the motivation to do anything. I used to love cooking. Right now, even though, I know that I am able to cook today, I just lack the push to do it. I attribute it to being tired. Deep down inside, I know that is not the truth. Simply I lack the motivation to do it.

In front of others, I'm pretty much myself. Have been trying to hint to hubby. Asking him, Do you feel like I'm down? He says no. Not sure if he doesn't want to face the truth, or I have been thinking too much.

sighs, this has been going on for a month. i think it started when i missed my monthlies, and did the test. sighs.

who says starting a family is easy? it doesn't really help if the whole world is asking me about it. I can't blame them, can I? They do not know what is happening and its unfair for me to vent it on them. How bad it is? Sighs, i see children and wish that i have mine.

i have told myself that i cannot give up. some couples have been trying for years, and me? just months. however, this life test or journey is not easy. it affects the relationship between husband and wife, and also personal relationships with other people. 

sighs.... have entrust myself to God, as always. i guess, i will know when God determine when I'm ready. have faith. that is the most important thing of all. :)

3 years before and after

3 years later, i've come full circle.... just re-read some of the previous blog entries, and realise that i'm currently going through what i've been going through 3 years ago. the only difference is that i'm married now.

i didn't realise that what i've been feeling 3 years ago were exactly the same as now. i didn't realise that i knew what i wanted 3 years ago. i didn't realise that i was complaining abt my then bf, now hubby, was not spending enough time with me. i didn't realise that 3 years ago, i was trying to be a better gf, and now, a better wife. it's just 3 years, everything remained unchanged, yet everything has changed.

honestly, i just want a simple life. saw chin shi's facebook comments. her hubby was supportive of her dream to be a full-time mother. is it so difficult to accept that my dream is such? granted, i don't have a child now, yet, i'm gonna have a flexible job which i wanted, i have never forced anyone to understand why i hate working in an office. no one will understand the struggle that i have. i have always tried to live by example. let everyone live the life that they wanted, why can't they let me?

i know people are worried. but, how can people live by worry? that's not living, that's surviving. why do we need to survive? we are not in the past anymore? we have the chance and opportunity to live, why can't we grab it and treasure the privilege that we can have now?

since graduation, i have struggled. i have struggled between everyone's expectations and my own. i fought hard to achieve my peace, yet, i'm fighting another war now.

marriage. it comes with alot of expectations and burdens. i'm really tired. i want a child, i want to be a mother. everything that i'm doing now is to achieve that. is that so difficult to understand? i don't know how long i can hang on to this. facing disappointment everyday. why can i be the person u want me to be, but yet u can't be a fraction of the person i want u to be?

i don't know. i just know that i will strive on my journey, my chosen path. as long as i have faith, i believe God will look over me.

as for that incident about rudeness, i'm gonna put it behind me, and hope that, after Saturday, it will have no repurcusions.

its really interesting how things work out in the end. i thought that i will be here for a long time. in truth, i like it here. alot. there's not much stress, its manageable. most of all, the ppl here, except for that evil witch, are really nice and easy to get along. sighs. i feel sad.. i will miss the working environment.

sighs, sometimes, i really wonder what's my motive for tendering? laziness? overwhelmed? i guess, i have stopped asking myself already. in truth, perhaps, i was overwhelmed by the amount of work i have to do, and i can't stop myself from feeling anger towards that evil witch. right now, i'm at a place of calmness regarding her. i don't want to think of her anymore, bad for my health yah. i will miss this place :(

sighs, big one is really busy nowadays... he doesn't have much time to spend with me :( miss him:( thinking of taking a short trip as i have alot of breaks... hopefully he can spare the time. trying hard to be a more understanding girlfriend. trying not to throw too many tantrums, making unreasonable demands... haha, can't stop my mood swings though, but am trying... :)

sighs, i really want the simple life. haha, i think i have finally understand my character. i don't want to climb the corporate ladder, it doesn't mean anything to me. however, i need to kick start to do what i want!! stop slacking!! haha....

many weddings coming up next year, including mine!!

so need to lose weight... next month!!!!! take photos! wedding bands! dress!! bridesmaid!! many things to plan!!!

so long, should update more, since i'm so free!!

random musings about nothing at all?

sighs... i think it's more hurting? or should i use the word, bewildered? it's strange when you can't accept me for who i am. i think for a long time, i have been trying to understand and decipher the things u said to me. simply, u can't accept me for who i am. i guess, using the word hurting seems extreme, i have not been hurt, but rather, i can't understand why u can't accept me for who i am?

i find it extremely insulting when u say things about me based on your own judgement. i mean, u are your own mind, and u can think whatever u want. the thing is, i used to be affected by your judgements of me. however, after being affirmed by many others, no less close than you are, i realise that whatever judgements that u have of me, i'm not sure based on what, are simply things that u can't see. they are simply things that u do not wish to accept of me. i don't know why? perhaps, i can venture a guess? that u wish u were like me? but u can't, because of your own insecurities? your inability to be more open-minded, less myopic? i don't know, and i don't wish to care anymore. i used to want to change you to be a better person for your own good, to come into your own so that u are able to view things more objectively. i believe it's too late now.

perhaps, u can use the arguement that i present a different front in front of different people. take note though, the key word is no less close than u are.

tired. very tired. u still affect me far more than u think or realise. i gladly let myself be affected, cos that's what i am for. the thing is, u become a far more petty and myopic person than u are. the words that comes out of your mouth, in defense, are always because of (lack of a better initial, let's just call) IT. minute and insignificant remarks of mine are being pounded on, magnified. u used to be a better person than now. IT has changed u, i didn't want to recognise, but i have to. and perhaps, i have to let go of u as someone i once knew because of IT. i have to, and i will, because we have different lives now.

try as we can (perhaps i?), i'm unable to find common ground with u. i have recognised it very early on. perhaps, that's why we can get along very well, being fundamentally different in characteristics and behaviour. however, IT has changed u, make u recognise our difference and question it. where our difference enable us to live in peace and get along, now, it has intensify into something worse. i don't mind u questioning things, but IT has made u unwilling to see into my view but IT's own. if they are constructive changes, i'll gladly applaud them. however, he made things worse, because IT wants u to be like IT. and i don't know why u can't see. sighs. where u used to being able to see things from both side. now, it's all one-sided and myopic. sighs.

perhaps, when i put it down in words, it made all the sense now. i have been hiding these feelings for too long. and i'm ready to throw in the towel and give up the fight. what for? if the other party is unwilling to change, i can live with it, even when i don't see u turning into a better person, if u are happy. so be it. that's life? ultimately, living in happiness, even if u don't turn out to be a better person.

well, then again, i'm just being myself. randon musings....

boss is away! so happy... haha... oops.... think it's normal that all of us who have bosses will have this thought, no matter how high a position we are... haha... i have been confirmed! kind of expected it... well, no trying to be complacent or anything, but, i think it's more tiring to retrain someone new. am i a good employee? hell no. haha... i know myself. know that i could have given more, know that there are certain things that i need to do to assuage myself with the boss's goals, know that that to get a promotion/pay increase, etc, certain things that one need to do. however, i'm not that kind of person, never is and never will be.

am i happier? i can definitely say yes. in the sense that i know that i'm learning, albeit a little blur at times. i feel happier seeing my bank account increase. but, i feel more tired too. lesser freedom, it's something that i need to get used to. initially, i need to put in effort. now, it's more of a getting used to situation. haha... think i can control my sleepy modes much better now. my bio clock has switched significantly. from a night cat to a morning bird. well, this definitely needs alot of effort!!!

i've learnt alot from my previous work experiences. dealing with ppl especially, it's a form of art. when handled well, it can save me from alot of trouble. however, i didn't know that previously, which results in me being so easily affected by silly things. recognising that everything is because of work, i can manage my emotions better. however, complaining bitterly about my bosses is something that i will never change.

ok! something more exciting to look forward to! gonna make the decision of my hotel venue soon! can't wait to really plan my wedding themes, outfits and all!! need help from my sisters!! haha... it's exciting, but, i so need to lose weight! hiaz, i love food so much. trying trying and trying!!

my big one is sick. so poor thing... hope he gets well soon....
he's a big softie.. hehe... always putting me first.... :)