its really interesting how things work out in the end. i thought that i will be here for a long time. in truth, i like it here. alot. there's not much stress, its manageable. most of all, the ppl here, except for that evil witch, are really nice and easy to get along. sighs. i feel sad.. i will miss the working environment.

sighs, sometimes, i really wonder what's my motive for tendering? laziness? overwhelmed? i guess, i have stopped asking myself already. in truth, perhaps, i was overwhelmed by the amount of work i have to do, and i can't stop myself from feeling anger towards that evil witch. right now, i'm at a place of calmness regarding her. i don't want to think of her anymore, bad for my health yah. i will miss this place :(

sighs, big one is really busy nowadays... he doesn't have much time to spend with me :( miss him:( thinking of taking a short trip as i have alot of breaks... hopefully he can spare the time. trying hard to be a more understanding girlfriend. trying not to throw too many tantrums, making unreasonable demands... haha, can't stop my mood swings though, but am trying... :)

sighs, i really want the simple life. haha, i think i have finally understand my character. i don't want to climb the corporate ladder, it doesn't mean anything to me. however, i need to kick start to do what i want!! stop slacking!! haha....

many weddings coming up next year, including mine!!

so need to lose weight... next month!!!!! take photos! wedding bands! dress!! bridesmaid!! many things to plan!!!

so long, should update more, since i'm so free!!

random musings about nothing at all?

sighs... i think it's more hurting? or should i use the word, bewildered? it's strange when you can't accept me for who i am. i think for a long time, i have been trying to understand and decipher the things u said to me. simply, u can't accept me for who i am. i guess, using the word hurting seems extreme, i have not been hurt, but rather, i can't understand why u can't accept me for who i am?

i find it extremely insulting when u say things about me based on your own judgement. i mean, u are your own mind, and u can think whatever u want. the thing is, i used to be affected by your judgements of me. however, after being affirmed by many others, no less close than you are, i realise that whatever judgements that u have of me, i'm not sure based on what, are simply things that u can't see. they are simply things that u do not wish to accept of me. i don't know why? perhaps, i can venture a guess? that u wish u were like me? but u can't, because of your own insecurities? your inability to be more open-minded, less myopic? i don't know, and i don't wish to care anymore. i used to want to change you to be a better person for your own good, to come into your own so that u are able to view things more objectively. i believe it's too late now.

perhaps, u can use the arguement that i present a different front in front of different people. take note though, the key word is no less close than u are.

tired. very tired. u still affect me far more than u think or realise. i gladly let myself be affected, cos that's what i am for. the thing is, u become a far more petty and myopic person than u are. the words that comes out of your mouth, in defense, are always because of (lack of a better initial, let's just call) IT. minute and insignificant remarks of mine are being pounded on, magnified. u used to be a better person than now. IT has changed u, i didn't want to recognise, but i have to. and perhaps, i have to let go of u as someone i once knew because of IT. i have to, and i will, because we have different lives now.

try as we can (perhaps i?), i'm unable to find common ground with u. i have recognised it very early on. perhaps, that's why we can get along very well, being fundamentally different in characteristics and behaviour. however, IT has changed u, make u recognise our difference and question it. where our difference enable us to live in peace and get along, now, it has intensify into something worse. i don't mind u questioning things, but IT has made u unwilling to see into my view but IT's own. if they are constructive changes, i'll gladly applaud them. however, he made things worse, because IT wants u to be like IT. and i don't know why u can't see. sighs. where u used to being able to see things from both side. now, it's all one-sided and myopic. sighs.

perhaps, when i put it down in words, it made all the sense now. i have been hiding these feelings for too long. and i'm ready to throw in the towel and give up the fight. what for? if the other party is unwilling to change, i can live with it, even when i don't see u turning into a better person, if u are happy. so be it. that's life? ultimately, living in happiness, even if u don't turn out to be a better person.

well, then again, i'm just being myself. randon musings....

boss is away! so happy... haha... oops.... think it's normal that all of us who have bosses will have this thought, no matter how high a position we are... haha... i have been confirmed! kind of expected it... well, no trying to be complacent or anything, but, i think it's more tiring to retrain someone new. am i a good employee? hell no. haha... i know myself. know that i could have given more, know that there are certain things that i need to do to assuage myself with the boss's goals, know that that to get a promotion/pay increase, etc, certain things that one need to do. however, i'm not that kind of person, never is and never will be.

am i happier? i can definitely say yes. in the sense that i know that i'm learning, albeit a little blur at times. i feel happier seeing my bank account increase. but, i feel more tired too. lesser freedom, it's something that i need to get used to. initially, i need to put in effort. now, it's more of a getting used to situation. haha... think i can control my sleepy modes much better now. my bio clock has switched significantly. from a night cat to a morning bird. well, this definitely needs alot of effort!!!

i've learnt alot from my previous work experiences. dealing with ppl especially, it's a form of art. when handled well, it can save me from alot of trouble. however, i didn't know that previously, which results in me being so easily affected by silly things. recognising that everything is because of work, i can manage my emotions better. however, complaining bitterly about my bosses is something that i will never change.

ok! something more exciting to look forward to! gonna make the decision of my hotel venue soon! can't wait to really plan my wedding themes, outfits and all!! need help from my sisters!! haha... it's exciting, but, i so need to lose weight! hiaz, i love food so much. trying trying and trying!!

my big one is sick. so poor thing... hope he gets well soon....
he's a big softie.. hehe... always putting me first.... :)

recently, our relationship has its ups and downs. more downs though. i think i'm trying to grapple with feelings of unrequited actions. it is undeniable that after some time, relationships do hit a plateau. certainly, expectations has to be rewritten and reorganised. however, it is just so difficult sometimes, when your heart tells u something, your mind says another, and your actions prove otherwise. 3 way that doesn't match.

i guess, i hate it when assumptions are made after a period of time together. both of us assuming that we know what the other party are thinking, making decisions based on just that. it hurts, because, i thought that i would not be what my parents are. are relationships' results inevitable in that way? routine and humdrum?

sighs, hate myself for the way i behave sometimes. trying not to be too violent and unreasonable, but sometimes its so difficult. hope that i don't have a violent streak in me.

work is getting boring. sighs....

sighs... communication with ppl can be so tiring sometimes....

thanks juan for the nice biscuits! shall enjoy it for my breakfast! it's nice meeting and talking to u again!!

everytime when i log in to blogger, i will be greeted by the blogs i have some time or another... i realise that this blog is aptly titled... haha, a brand new start of things of any sorts... many things to look forward to recently... tmr, i'm going to make my first major investment!! my new flat with tbb! hopefully, we are able to select the one that we want...

sighs, today is not a good day... just feel so lethargic at work! think it's because of many facebook games playing! haha, it's really very addictive, since i have not used the com for some time!! i can get my laptop this weekend! so happy!! hopefully, i will not lose track of my sleep... will try not to be late!! oops....

my boos is very nice to me. hope it lasts. i rather have a pleasant albeit polite boss-subordinate relationship, than one that is very close which results in ugly incidents happening in future. sighs, luckily, my dept is very small... not a lot of people that i have to mind about... haha...

sighs, i wonder, who is sadder. the female or the male? i really wonder... i have nth much to add, just that, would things be different if they are allow to pursue what they want. or is it too much for me to be judgemental? i don't wish to judge, but i can't help feeling sorry for my own kind. sighs... it's situations such as this that render me helpless... should u help so that they can each get their own happiness? or, they are already happy, perhaps? who can tell....

have been surfing net as usually while working.. been looking at alot of dresses... preparing for my choice of gowns for wedding day/photoshoots/etc. been kind of worried about my choice of bridal package from Signoria Nuziale. however, have been reading different wedding blogs, and now feel comforted with my choice. i guess, making a decision of such magnitude can be intimidating and scary...

was talking to tbb ytd... i guess, have never really been comfortable in the limelight. having ppl fussing over my clothes, make-up, hairdo... it just seems so invading... haha, guess, have to get used to it during my wedding preparation.... sighs.... hopefully, things can be settled soon so that i can rest at home during the weekends... know that i have been going out almost everyday, my mom is going to kill me... sighs, so many commitments...

attended a very interesting wedding ytd... feel kind of saddened by it... i guess, it's really sad if the parents and children has a distance. bystanders don't really understand the historics of the relationship, but it's still just very sad.... and i guess, making insensitive remarks by one's own relatives during the wedding is very hurtful....

tbb and i must really lose weight... sighs, many people keep commenting... it's so stressful and hurting :( see how it goes....

sianz, feel so sleepy and slacky! hope to slack for the rest of the day but i think not....!