bullet train

each week, i wait fervently for fridays to come. the signify the short freedom that i have from school. just one more day, and it is time for freedom again. haiz, i'll never keep to my rules of sleeping by 11pm everyday, completing my tutorials in time. somehow, another module always overwrites everything. just hope that i'm putting in enough, i really want to do better.

the things that are going well are my projects. well, in the sense, not much things that has to be done within this period. i can relax a little. and jap, i'm starting to get the hang of things. and best of all! my piano! i'm so gald that my life has taken on a sort of routine. :)

haha, i met this really nice guy recently. somehow, i can't help but wish that maybe it's my turn to have some luck in my love life. well, at least it sure beats your mom complaining about it all the time. *groans* somehow, it's funny how the parents want yet the children doesn't want it. well, we shall see....

to peishan:

i'm gonna miss you lots. the phone calls, anytime, any night, anyday.
the occassional messages of how are yous.
studying (hahahaha)

take care alright. :)

may december come quickly.... :)

expectations and losses

everyone seems to think that their life is the worst. ain't that the case? so that, when they arrive home, they expect everyone to accept their tempers, mood swings, etc, as nobody has it any worse then them. i'm no exception. however, a brand new day will begin, and another day will start with its new moods an tempers. so, why can't these people start sparing a thought for others around them, and, perhaps, they can see that their lives are not the worst of all.

lost, who hasn't lose things? and why do everyone seem to think that what they have lost is so much more than others? perhaps, by looking around, and sparing a thought for those who has lost even more, a home, a family..., ain't that worse?

i'm sick and tired of people expecting things from me. i've done what all u have wanted me to do. nobody has ever asked me what i'm facing, and results is what i'm expected to produce. and if i can't, it's my fault. damn, i'm trying my best to try and live up to all expectations and i'm very tired about it. try feeling stupid in a group of people when i don't even have to have the feeling of feeling this way. try to impress the tutors among people who are even better than you, when i don't even need to do this. what does all this point towards to? a better grade? in a stupid environment where i don't even want to be in. why am i doing all of this? for myself? if i have a choice, i would not choose this path. because i have none, because i know that i'm expected to graduate, wear the stupid gown, from a university. i have never thought of any other paths. yet, no one understands. taunts, insults, and i'm expected to accpet all of those? i've accepted whenever i'm being critised, yet, nobody ever understands how i feel. i've never expected to be asked, just to leave me alone sometimes. u have your bad days, why can't i have mine?

lost, i seem to have lost many things. a good friend to a boyfriend. the person i love to a friend. my confidence to a group of achievers. many things. yet, i can still laugh and see things positively. move forward, that's what i'm trying so damn hard to do, and why must all of you come poke me here and then. to hurt me even more? at peace, finding the peace, that's all i ever wanted to do. there are so many other things to live for, i'm living for them now. give me the peace.

it has been a long time

it's really been a long time since i've last blogged. the part of me that wants to hide has emerged again. sometimes, i'm really tired of this hide-and-seek game, wondering how long will it still continue? or simply, its a human nature to hide? really tired....

today, i'm shocked. rather, it has been a long time, too long, in fact, that someone just tell me something about myself, something as it is. i appreciate the honesty and will try my best to change. i've been pondering about this issue for some time and did not realise that it shows. should i forsake the present and move back to the past or vice versa? i've been trying to strike a balance between the two and have hurt (not literally) both parties. i did not expect it to be that difficult, perhaps, by the unwelcomed presence. i've been veering between 2 extremities of characteristics. damn, is it that easy for me to change, or rather, is it that hard to just be myself? have i been too used to hiding? damn....

been irritated of late by childish behaviour. it wasn't that so in the past. i've changed? or perhaps, i've no longer welcome the comforts of laughter, which is irritating. life is indeed confusing at times. sometimes, i feel like i'm in the middle, with strings attached all over, and being pulled. i don't know where to go, and is this the price i have to pay? i don't know, sometimes, i think, it's not a price, perhaps, a much need experience to learn how to strike a balance? i'm positive...

the strong urge not to get hurt is within me so strongly. i have not felt my defence level this high in ages. perhaps, it has to do with people assuming too much, taking things for granted. some may wonder, how long am i gonna keep this enemity up? and i wonder, is it enemity? perhaps, it's just the part of me that really doesn't want to get hurt. and i'm really tired of protecting myself, can't i just let go, go with the flow, without thinking that all of u are out to get me? it's hard, and somehow, the refusal to even try a little tells alot? is it that the hurt has already gone beyond repair? i don't even feel a thing, the anger refuses to engulf me anymore, ain't that even worse than at least feeling something?

just wanna live this one year peacefully, without being disturbed.... i'm extreme sometimes. and i just want my own peace. perhaps, i can finally achieve it, without hurting people that i care about....

damn, 205, stupid and demanding module....