each individual has a different story. often, when we don't look deeper into each person and the circumstances unique to one, we often neglect to emphatise with that individual. that is often how i see things nowadays. perhaps, when one knows many things, they have a clearer picture of the different situations, what to do and how to see things. no matter what, it is still irresponsible to shirk from basic stuff that we have to do.

i think that sometimes, all of us have an answer in our hearts. it's just that we tend to think about it. why? perhaps, to justify our reasons? justify the decision that we have made? ensure that we have not made any mistakes? whatever it is, we'll just have to trust ourselves.

sometimes, i really muse at the things that happen around me. well, i tend to see the funny side of things. somehow, still feeling damn neutral about most things!

sigh, exams are coming. have to mug hard!

presentations

205 presentation is down. there's one for 206 next monday. after that, there's only cesim left! phews.... perhaps, can get some much needed studying done! haha...!

well, i've never felt so uptight for a presentation before. perhaps, it's the thought that the group wants to do well that adds on to the pressure. luckily, i didn't make much errors, some people even thought that i'm calm. haha, unknown to them, my insides were trembling! the other seminar mates commented to me that the mood and tension change quite immediately, upon entering the conference room. oh well. presentation was quite alright, perhaps, the tutor just wanted to help all of us achieve a reasonable overall grade. it's kind of disappointing, as the tutor has high hopes for us, but we didn't really meet his expectations. oh man, it's been a long time since anyone expects much from me. haha.

have been watching the search for the next pussycat doll recently! haha, i really enjoy the show! i hope that i can finish this before the exams. no distraction! similarly, i must also finish watching magicians of love! so that, i can concentrate on the exams. jiayou to me!

yesterday, i can't really get to sleep. many thoughts just going through my mind. i think its the stress of the presentation. suddenly, much uncertainties an possibilities have opened before me. i don't really know what to expect. for once, i've not been giving much thought to it. i like to be prepared for things in life. i hate to be thrown into ambiguity, perhaps, that's why i like to explore possibilities, so that, i can prevent things that i don't want to happen. so, this neutrality kind of scares me, i need to have a certain stand, so that, i'll know what to do when the time comes. oh man...

gonna start putting in more effort to my music. even though my teacher says that my pace is ok. hopefully, i can get to take the exam earlier.

sending in many applications recently. sigh, what a hassle. oops. haha.

i understand fully now, the concept of why certain people can be in a world, and that it is impossible for others to penetrate that world. with this realisation, i've understand why some people can come together and how some people just can't be together no matter what.

i hate feeling stupid. damn it. why do people have to expect others to be like them too? can't they understand and empathise how others do not possess the intelligence that they have. sux.

sigh, i'm really very tired. off to bed.

bye.

a satisfying day

my students' practical results are out! haha. i have 8 students taking exams. grade 3: distinction! grade 1: merit! the others, pass! haha! i'm happy! seeing the happy looks on my students' faces put a smile on mine! some of them, were just whiskers away from a merit or distinction. well, i'm glad their faces reflect are the determination to do better! it makes me feel that everything is worthwhile. all the make up, scolding and exasperation! the next round is coming up! hopefully, more students will do better! can't wait! just hope that i have the opportunity to be there to see their joyful and happy faces next year!

can't say that about my studies though. haha!

talking about music, i can't say that for myself. :( recently, much projects' datelines are around the corner. i didn't have much chance to practise. kind of disappointed and sad, but, i'm gonna try and practise more!!! i want to do well myself too! :)

i was surprised that u are attached already. i didn't expect that u would be in such a haste. i thought u were more rational then that. in many ways, i'm glad for u. perhaps, u can realise that the world doesn't revolve around only u, learn to care for others before putting yourself first and most important of all, better yourself because of your other half. no matter what your reasons are, i wish u all the best. and may it last while it can.

haha, it's really funny how things change so quickly. just last week, i happen to see that your nick reflects "i just can't forget u". oh well, haha. i'm just being egoistic. bear with me! =P sometimes, i do wish that things were different. that we didn't know each other under such circumstances. that i can get myself to fall enough for u to accept u. but, u'll have to be another person i guess. haha. nobody's perfect.

when someone's an only child, it's inevitable that they are individualistic. it stems from their upbringing, where the centre of attention is only on them. in addition, they lack the caring factor for others too. i happen to have a grp mate like that, and it just makes me pissed that she's damn self-centred in caring only for herself. well, 2 can play the game. i can be nasty to, and u have tested my patience far too much. grow up. whatever, just do something. damn pissed.

i happen to see on channel u's shoot programme, where the topic was, are teenagers unable to express themselves as they hide more and more behind the computer and using online chats as their wall. well, i do agree, because, i realise that the people aroud me also hide their true self alot on msn. i guess, that can't be helped, everyone has a protective layer they want to hide. hmm, depending on the degree i guess. is it good or bad? i don't think it's very good, because, we have cultivated a culture of hiding all the time. it's scary that we are unable to express ourselves adequately, in terms of emotions in reality. it's really sad to see this happening.

do you believe that u can tell alot by the look in one's eyes. i didn't use to believe that, till i started to realise that i'm kind of right. unless the person's eyes is really small. haha! it's scary on how much one can read, how much the other party wants to hide. the steely look will wash over the eyes. i have seen it, scary. why did i mention this? perhaps, i have been doing projects with different people, and, just happen to observe it.

i'm feel indifferent about u. i wish that things were much different, that u didn't tell me anything. but, i do know about it now, and, i hate the power i have over u. i wish that u have the courage to try, fight for the things u want, instead of living so much in the past. i really want to help, but i don't have the heart anymore. i really want to give this up, i'm tired. much too tired. am i avoiding u? i really have no idea. sigh. will it resolve soon?

projects are ending soon! yes!

a sudden urge

it's sort of in the middle of the night and i suddenly feel very much like blogging. haha. been feeling pretty good these few days. perhaps, the cloud of gloom has gone away and i can smile easier now. right now, many projects suddenly playing the catching game with me. sigh, i just resent projects sometimes. they are like hindering me from studying. well, 205 is gonna be down soon, which i'm so glad of. =)

206, oh wells, it's just kind of hard to do a proj when i don't really have any idea what is going on. been trying, but its really very confusing. haha, what much of a choice do i have, perhaps, just to cope with it. maybe, i'll survive fine after the storm. a little wet but not drenched. hopefully! =)

311, hmm, kind of hard to say whether it is easy or difficult for me right now. however, i'm enjoying lessons with the tutor. i can't believe it, i'm actually travelling 3 hours to have a 2 hrs lesson with him. well, i think, the tutor does really affect the interest towards a subject. it's been the case for me for the past 2 years. hopefully, this is also no exception. =)

sometimes, when i don't see, i don't remember. and when i see, i remember. a lot in fact. i keep scolding myself for being useless. it's been abt a year already, yet, i still feel some anger towards him. i guess, it's not easy to put down totally. perhaps, putting down is easy, but, totally, it's impossible. by hardening myself against whatever he stands for, the people around him, i may be able to prevent myself from softening my stance towards anything about him. perhaps, u may wonder if it is a heavy price to pay? well, i've never thought that it is, perhaps, the monster that i see in him, is able to overwhelm any other factors.

yes, i'm taking a lot of preventive measures, which, i believe, is necessary. i think it is difficult for some people to understand why is it so hard to take the tiny step out of the turtle shell and feel for another again. i don't know. for me, i just don't want to get hurt again. the need not to get hurt does really overwrite the feeling to fall in love. one may think it is stupid to have all these defences just because of one person. well, i have no answer for that, except that, it is very painful to get hurt. the ache in my hurt went away after quite some time and it is still there, perhaps, not constantly, but little waves here and then. it is enough, to remind myself, i cannot let another similar incident from happening, to get hurt again.

who doesn't want to fall in love? who doesn't want to feel protected all the time? who doesn't want to be able to depend on another person for emotional things? if i do meet someone who can give me all that, i think i'll fall in love pretty soon. but is it that easy? i know that God has the perfect person for me, perhaps, it's not the time yet. then, i shall wait for Him, to lead me to the one. be patient i guess. i've learnt not to yearn anymore. be at peace. =)

having fun with the people i'm hanging out with nowadays. we maybe be aquaintances, but, i feel happier nowadays. perhaps, we should be thankful for the little things, and not be unhappy for the things we expect but can't get.

ok, have to go to bed already! 1:43 am....

love this song! enjoy!

all about relationships

i do understand that one changes with the environment, with time and even with the people u hang out with. basically, everyone changes to almost anything. sigh, how i wish i'm not feeling all these negative thoughts towards u. i can't help but think that i'm obligated towards you and i resent feeling that. it seems as though our relationship has not changed at all. u are still u, yet, am i the one that has changed that much? once, i treasure u alot. so much so that i care too deeply about what is happening towards u. however, now, i just don't feel like replying. i feel so tired. am i ready to give it all up? i don't know yet. once, your jokes seem to cheer me up a lot. now, i find it tiring to respond to u. can i ever give him up? we shared so much. yet, this relationship doesn't seem to be able to grow. i feel so stifled whenever you are around. i've been making excuses to avoid u. haiz.

my heart gave a lurch just now. why oh why, that does this wall of mine is unable to be broken down by anyone? i've read a book today called safe harbour. there was this line from the book, saying, i can feel my wall slowly being chipped away by.... how i yearn to say this very phrase one day. one fine day.

i find my defences breaking down today. damn, i realise that i've forgotten to protect myself once again. i allow myself to feel for something that i've forgotten for a while. well, that's really life?

hopefully, the resolve to study stays on. sigh. sigh.

i need more motivation

if only i can feel more towards doing well for quizzes. sigh, i don't even feel as though the world is falling down on me even though i will fail the quiz. sigh, i don't even feel down that i don't really know how to do any questions. sigh, can i feel more about my studies? somehow, the quiz seems to be a hinderance to the finals. yeah, stupid thoughts on my part, but still, they come. i don't have the full confidence of doing well, yet, right now, i just don't feel like doing anything about it yet. if so, when is the right time? damn, i really do see things from too much perspectives.

sometimes, i wonder, am i that different from others? everyone around me is so concerned about their studies. even though there's some who doesn't show it, the fact that they keep talking about it shows. sigh, i don't even want to talk about it. i have long stopped thinking what is my niche, the lack of it, or even whether am i going down the right path. as long as i can get a job, i have no other worries. sigh, can i get just a little bit of motivation? sigh.

well, another thing that perks me up! hikaru! this anime is so nice.. i've been chasing after if for a few days. perhaps, after i've finished it, i'll get back to studying! haha.... =)

suddenly, i feel that there are many strangers around me. it seems we were friends before, but now, everything just changes. i can't help but muse at the uncertainty of change. change is good i believe. it's hard to imagine life as a constant. that'll be quite boring. however, one thing that strikes me is that people are bothering to keep up with appearances much. well, perhaps, life is always like that. we can't always expect the idyllic aspects of life.

many projects are upcoming. hopefully, they'll all go away soon and i concentrate on studying. whatever time that i have left. sigh... =(