27/8/08
finally had a chance to blog. this week has been a busy one. with my students exams coming up, wow, don't really have a chance to breathe. just hope that all of them pass with flying colours! :)


managed to catch up with hm, hq and wx yesterday... we had dinner at a french restaurant... the food is rather different.... then we had really nice ice cream at the creamery...! teh tarik ice cream... superb!! really miss talking to them. it seems like nowadays, all the topics revolved around finding a partner.

wanted to blog initially on that day. haha, at work, nonetheless, i was distracted by internet surfing... work is boring now. everyone tells me to enjoy it while i can. but, i can't really do the stuff that i want to do in co, so, doesn't really make a difference. but, i realise, online msn can be really addictive... haha... so if u do see me online during office hours, really, come talk to me, instant replied almost guranteed :)

many surprises this week. sometimes, it's the little things that catch u offguard that makes life so much sweeter. :) wondering why am i so stupid sometimes. doing the things that i don't like, yet, the things that i like, i don't indulge in it enough. aargh! i used to enjoy using the computer, even for the whole day. now, it's like, i've gotten my wish finally. but, haha, i rather rest my eyes these days....

my students are taking exams today. wishing them all the best! hopefully, all of them will give me the result that i want them to have :)

just gotten the news from my team mate that my engagement is postponed to 2 weeks later. more time for slacking in the office. aargh. i just can't stand doing nothing. i rather go running, swimming, movies... many many things... since i've more free time, i should get my butt down to some serious piano practising and also, exercising! yes, dear ps, let's run the marathon by then at full speed and energy and most important of all, stamina!

was just talking to this guy fren of mine. so, guys do categorise girls into different categories, ie, sweet-looking, demure-looking, independent, etc... so, that's really no different from us. haha. and, it's not a surprise that most guys are looking for sweet-looking, motherly kinds. expectations, why are they just so predictable. haha. perhaps, all singaporean guys have a common trait, predictability. or does that apply to all? perhaps, in their dictionary, the goal that they have in finding a partner is one that can be a mother to their children. haha.

sighs, meaningless life....

i heard a piece of stunning news today. my piano student, of 11 years old, has a girlfriend for a year. i'm shocked, seriously... it really brought me some new insights of how the young are viewing relationships. i thought of my childhood(not so long ago! haha), it was all so innocent... everyone's basically my friend. of course, there are all those teasing. and he even showed me her gf's pic on his handphone. my oh my.... i thought he was trying to impress me, but, his sister looked so serious. well, there's something new to discover everyday...

i've honestly underestimated the impact of my actions. i thought it would not affect me that much, but, the results showed otherwise. erasing someone from your life doesn't take much. deleting someone from your handphone list, msn list, friendster list, facebook listing, etc. pretending that the person doesn't exist, simply, doesn't take much. but, the memories will always come back whenever u are at a place that means alot to you. those memories, just refuse to go away. time will make them go away, and by then, i hope that i will think of u less often.

my heart feels heavy nowadays. i know the reason why. but i must stick to what i've started with. what can i do? i want to stop playing, no point in misleading you and me. sighs...

the piano exams are arriving. can't wait for it to be over...! hope that all my students pass. i have some doubts, but being a teacher, i can only hope and pray for the best :)

been complaining much about ppl recently. returning back to a not-so-pleasant me in the past. i will try to control, but sometimes, ppl do things to irritate me, and, i just can't help but let out steam. aargh! and, also, i want to improve myself, most of all, feel some motivation to work hard instead of thinking of slacking all the time. yay! no engagements for 2 weeks, will be able to be let off early! i must enjoy these 2 weeks. really.

hope to catch up with my sisters, friends. :)

相信 - 孙燕姿

突然觉得我只是一个人
有点孤单浅浅的忧郁
我不知道明天会不会很美丽
虽然今天天很蓝 而云很白 风很凉
今天日记空白没有关系 不必每件事情都在意
不想工作 不想困扰自己 不必刻意想你
该是我的总会来 就算挑战 我不走开
一点点你的微笑 已经让我觉得温暖
我还不懂坚持 正好让我 学会去爱
我曾经看见困难 变得胆小 不够勇敢
但还是要相信 相信感觉 相信简单
有一天 等我懂得现实也许更灰心
至少现在让我去相信 哦
我还是会相信 相信感觉 相信简单

was returning home these days, i felt very old suddenly. i don't know why, but the feeling just overcame me, making me think, is this what i'm going to feel from now on? neverending work responsibilities, neverending demands, neverending obligations. sometimes, i just wish i possess the courage to let my emotions show, to present what i really feel. but, being social creatures, we usually just control everything.

good things are coming by next week. gonna meet up with my sec sch frens! can't wait... :)

so many things that i want to do, yet, simply, there's no time. i will even want to sleep more instead of doing fun things. damn, i'm really getting old.

some things need to be done. perhaps, after all, i'm really too practical for my own good. after interaction with colleagues my batch, i realise that all of us are really practical. the degree of it, varies of course, but we all are. so being practical beings, and being subjected to social judgement, i choose to do things that need to be done. because, i think, u don't know what u want. the noble me wants to think that i'm doing it for your own good. partly, but, for selfish reasons, i think, all things come to an end. the impact on me, i don't know yet, but, simply, it'll be good for u.

i seldom care about what people think about me. in the personal sense. and u are no exception. when i care, which only happens once so far, it probably means something more.

this week, is quite eventful for me. many things happen, yet, luckily, i was able to discard it aside. i don't really want to think about it.

back to boring training. perhaps, when there's more time, i'll be able to get away from my tv and bed to use the com. :)

feeling tired during the weekend, guess that i must sleep everyday... sighs... working really makes me wonder, where do i find the time to enjoy life.... there's so many things that i want to do, yet, i can't seem to find the time to complete it.

finally! managed to get to the arcade.... haha, really miss it. though, the feeling is different, in a different kind of situation. somehow, the feeling of abandonment is gone. sighs, don't think i will ever feel that kind of freedom again.

welcome to the working adult world. suddenly, i see a lot of different sides to ppl. sometimes, i do wonder, which is the real side to a person. but then, the naive me will always want to see the better side of a person. so, if i do complain about it in future, remind me again, why am i just so easily trusting of what others say at face value. perhaps, just a part of me that doesn't want to grow up yet. sighs.

and i wonder, why do ppl always think too much and see too deep in certain things. when actually, it meant nothing. on saying that, i should stop playing. can't help it though. certain measures that i can take, yet, i can't stop myself. i know i'm being very selfish and bad, but, just can't help it! i'm bored, i think??

and it's funny how serious ppl can or cannot take the dating game. once again, welcome to the world of dating. interesting developments are yet to come or not. we shall see... :)

monday blues are just around the corner :(

training is alright for now. feeling the heat though, when the trainers played out reel-life senarios for us to react. it was quite stressful, as i don't really know how to behave and ask the right questions. it reminded me about school for a while. sighs, it's really difficult to walk out from one competitive environment to another. however, i guess, the competition faced is of a different kind now. i have never thought of outshining anyone, so, yeah, kind of a wrong environment for me i guess. however, i do want to achieve my best in anything i do, so that's not too bad i guess. just don't want to do the things i'm forced to forever.

the challenge for me right now is to juggle work, piano teaching, learning and practising. it ain't as hard as i thought. it just is much harder. sighs, i really miss my piano, but, there's nothing i can do. hearing horror stories of how late we have to work really sends shivers down my spine. everything is within expectations of course, but, i like to thing that things are not as tough as i thought. i'll just have to take each step as it goes. but, i'm really prepared for a no life siim ann for at least 3 years. sighs, can u imagine? i don't even have time to catch a movie! aargh...

have u ever wondered what it's like to fall for someone who is attached. haha, it's painful for sure. so, i do have to learn from my lesson, and remind myself, don't feel and do things on impulse. it'll come back to haunt me for sure. haha.... dear, u don't have time anyway :P

was asking my training colleagues today, will they ever date someone who smokes? all of them gave a vehement NO! wasn't that surprised. but was rather taken aback when one of them ask me why did i ask that question.... haha... then i followed up with, what if the person quit for u? some said no, and some said, then we'll see.... when i was asked in turn, i said, well, i can consider, cos it's rather sweet.

sighs, must study for the assessment on friday. hope i pass well...

my voice sounds real sexy. haha. it's from the redbox singing for about 7 hours. it was fun, hearing the "old" guys sing. laughing along with the gals... wonder when will the next opportunity come where we just basically have crazy fun.

how was training? the positive me started to feel a little enthusiastic when i arrived at the airport. however, there's not much fun in seeing the people that i have seen for the past 3 years. i mean, the feelings are the same, the expectations don't really differ, sighs, what's new? i start to ask myself...

training is boring. i mean, i rather learn on the job. but being a big company, they probably think the seniors have no time. sighs, i hope everything went in even though i was trying so hard not to sleep. the assessment next week, hopefully it's not too difficult. sighs.

i keep sighing. i don't know if my expectations are too high. i find the people boring. to a certain extent, all i keep hearing is food food and more food. they are nice, no doubt, just.... sighs.... perhaps, i really do expect too much. anyway, not really thinking too much, just live each day as it comes. and hope that i do not offend anyone, and if i do, i don't really want to care anymore. and to u, perhaps, find your own style and stop copying mine in your manner of speaking. its very irritating. i don't mind u talking negative stuff about me, just find your style alright.... damn annoying.

it's very true how work takes your mind off things. training makes me forget about my own problems for a while. which is good, i need to forget about unhappy stuff, even for a while.

sighs, i wonder, if i have the courage to pursue my own dream. it seems like i'm trapped and i can't get out of my own melodramatic mood right now, or rather, these few days. sighs.

and i want to go to the arcade.

the last day of freedom is definitely a bittersweet one. wondering what should i do? but there's still lots of packing to be done. i feel really reluctant to pack my luggage. perhaps, once it's packed, everything is set and done, and i cannot escape anymore. it's really easy to escape, running away from reality. these few days have been great ones! been thinking how sucky work is definitely helps. i made myself really abhor the idea of working. but then, the truth is, i need to work. i need the moolahs. sighs. perhaps, that's really a strong motivation. many debts to clear :(

a little excited at what the next week will bring, in the sense that, i really thrive on a suitable environment. however, i have my doubts on my working environment, however, i have a tendency to see the good in everything, so, i guess, this is no different. i hate the idea of wallowing in self-pity, though trying hard to see the positive side in everything is like self-deluding, at least, it's better than living in misery everyday. sighs....

sighs. i'm really lousy at rejecting people. my heart softens easily once a person starts to tug at my heart strings. have to resolve it soon :( shouldn't make life difficult for myself....

sighs, keep thinking of playing at the arcade. :( i should grow up soon i guess. arcade is such a good place for escapism. killing those zombies really makes my day. anyone who is keen to go, please ask me! haha.... well, at least something to look forward to my mundane life.

guess the first thing that i will miss once i'm 0verseas is my piano. can't wait to be back to feel the ivory keys beneath my fingers once again :) sighs. can't wait to come back soon :(

keep sighing. sighs. praying for a better next week. i really should thinking so much about things. even though i can cancel everything out relatively easy, i shouldn't even go to that extent of making myself miserable :( sighs.

and i wish simply, don't hide things from me. sighs.