the previous engagement ended yesterday. lesson learnt: go home when u have nothing to do. don't even bother waiting for anyone. go home early whenever u can.

sighs, i hate it when the senior asks if i have anything on. i'm like, can't i go home to have dinner? there's nothing for me to do. why should i stay. aargh! next time, learn, have the guts to just take off.

dnd is on saturday. think i shall try to look forward to the booze, otherwise, there's nothing for me to look forward to. i hate the politics involved in the committee. simply, it's full of shitheads trying to gain recognition. do what u want guys, but don't expect the rest to follow. aargh, sux.

being forced to take leave tomorrow. sighs, it's so stupid. it ain't our fault that we were efficent in the fieldwork. forced to take leave because of that? damn. i hate it when the company is so structured that they can't be flexible enough to tolerate efficiency. and since when is efficiency a bad thing. damn.

and i realise, i really hate taking orders from people. i knew it before, but working has reinforced it. sighs, why oh why are humans such social creatures. being at home for too long, i will feel like not interacting with people. and i've mastered the art of ignoring people that i don't like to a certain extent, so, i hate having to be nice to everyone at work, when, i probably feel like ignoring them under other circumstances. damn, politics.

sighs, when will my dream be fufilled?? sighs. hate life like this.

i don't know whether to hate or love my senior. i can understand why she needs help. but i hate it when she gives me tasks that is under her jurisdiction. damn. can't even slack before my next job. aargh. yes, i should be glad that i can learn more since i'm helping her. but, i don't see the point in me doing something that i don't have all the knowledge for it. sighs. and i'm just praying that the job next week doesn't require OTs. sick and tired of it!

met up with geraldine on wednesday. what she said definitely makes sense. if i want to quit, i better quit now than fight with the next batch of fresh graduates. sighs, what do i really want to do with my life? and if i don't want to stay here, what would i do when i'm overseas? perhaps, now, i should just equip myself with the necessary skills first. in another environment, perhaps, the hours are not that long, i can bear it more.

went with j and sh to nus to catch a piano duel. wow. wow. wow. they were really great! makes me miss my piano even more. haven't been practising enough. keep going out!!! haha.... i have to sacrifice going out i guess. miss having my lessons with ms goh :(

feel like talking about u to others. but something is holding me back, which is very unusual. i guess, it's the same issue again. once bitten twice shy. haha. many of your ideas and thoughts resound with mine. haha, makes me wonder, are we too similar? oh wells, time would tell.

i guess, the strong barrier that i have isn't easy to break down. almost did recently, but it didn't turn out the way i expected. oh wells, that's life. haha. but something good came out of it. in the process of trying not to be bias, sterotyping a certain gender in a way. it's difficult not to, but i shall follow my heart for once, be less hard on u and me, and see how it goes. using the mind is easy, but dealing with the heart, that's when the whole ball game changes.

catching a movie later! hope that i don't fall asleep! haha, slept too late last night! asking my heart: why are u waiting again? it makes u happy? asking my mind: i feel sleepy, i so need to sleep. haha, guess what, the heart wins again.

gonna try to run this week.... ps!!! marathon!

so i'm back in the office after my leave. sighs, back to work again. seems like a long time since i've been back to the office. the feeling is almost surreal. nobody really cares about me in the office. i feel like running away, but, what am i going to feed on? it's been 3 months since i've started work, and i still can't get used to it. with the financial crisis around me, i sound so complacent. anyway, since when have i been worried about anything that has remotely been related to responsibility? perhaps, most of the time... haha. i must sound really contradictory. oh wells, conclusion is still the same. stick with it, see how it goes, blah blah blah...

back to a more uplifting topic! my leave!!!

thursday
went swimming and movie with my twin sis. mama mia was splendid! the flow wasn't well-executed, but i had a great time swaying to the music! went back home for dinner! haven't had dinner at home since a long long time :)

friday
went PS to catch another movie... EAGLE EYE! it was a nice thriller. funny! don't ask me why, i seem to always laugh at the action movies. an old concept told in an interesting and touching way. had lunch at manhattan fish market with twin sis and ana! wow, the life of an air stewardess is really different. i'm so jealous at the places that she has travelled to! wanted to get piano books for students. but, yamaha is seriously out-of-stocked. aargh, irritating. oh wells...
one thing: no matter how hard u try to avoid meeting someone, it's somehow in God's plan that u are to meet that person. think the decision that i've made is a good one, because, i just refuse to get sucked into silly games any more. once bitten twice shy. want an apt saying.

saturday
jogging... i'm so dead ps. our marathon is coming, need to jog more!!!

sunday
went to dye my hair. it's a shocking red. yes, i know. sighs, that wasn't the colour that the saloon show me. so dead. hope the colour drops soon. uugh. red.
anyway, my uncle is back from bangkok with baby cousin and arthur! she's so lovely.... :) and arthur, simply adorable.... miss him lots when i'm back from europe! hope that he comes back soon. sighs... first time in my life, i was able to get along so well with a kid that is below 4. hahaha :)

monday
went to catch another movie. a bimbo one. the house bunny. it was a lot of fun. brainless fun that is. haha. went to play badminton after that, and now, my whole body is aching! literally, the whole body. must be the shock of doing so many sports these few days. sighs, miss playing sports. hope that i get to go swimming this week! or jogging... haha....

i had a great time yesterday. on top of the fact that i was winning. oops! i think it might just be possible. i don't know. haven't had a friendship that is just based on getting to know one another without circumstances such as sch, exams, competiton. however, i'm not so good with meeting expectations, i'll feel like running away once people start to talk to me very often. once bitten twice shy. can't make the same mistake again. but, it's just that, i don't know what to expect. i'm a little surprised at myself that i agreed to meet u. haha, we don't really know each other i guess. getting to know u was fun, and, well, let's just see. i like this pace. whatever the outcome, u are a nice guy, so great to know u!

as for other stuff that we talked about... haha, i guess, i like to take it slow :)

sometimes, things just happen without me expecting it. the consequences, are not that hard to grapple with, it's just, a hindrance that is unnecessary. i just wish that, for once, they would understand us. not through their eyes, but our eyes. we have never been made to feel wanted at home, so, why would we do everything that u asked of us willingly? u've made your own bed, now, lie on it. don't judge our reactions through your authoritative eyes. yes, u can be mad at me, u are my father after all, and i can't control your emotions. but what makes u think that i'm gonna allow u to rant at me unfairly. u can choose to say something, so can i. it's expected that i don't agree with u, and i'm very straightfoward, i say the truth, and if u can't face up to it, that's your own problem, not mine. don't start a quarrel with me and expect me to listen to u. u can't accept the fact that i'm an adult, then that's your problem not mine.

i don't want to be rude to u. but at the hour of midnight, when i was feeling very sleepy, with some chores to do, and having the thought that i have to wake up at 615am the next day, i was, not in a good mood. and following the incident on sunday, don't expect me to listen to your ranting. why must u rant when u come home everytime? i work longer hours than u, and i don't complain. u are the who is complaining, i'm just stating facts.

i'm really tired. u want to chase me out of the house, i want to get out too. but can u accept it? i feel trapped, in a place that i don't feel wanted. u know, i just don't want to hear anymore rantings. give and take. i will not be rude to u, if u just stop ranting u know. peace and quiet when i reach home after 11pm. stop ranting yar?

i sound calm now. yes i am. i will never forget a father who doesn't turn up at my convocation. i will never forget a father who says he doesn't want to take part in my grad photo.

i will also remember a father who is at my operation 3 years ago, a father who stayed with me throughout my stay in hospital, a father who held my hand at that time, telling me to be brave. i will remember a father who read books to me when i was young.

why are things so different now? did he not grow up when we did? or did we not show enough understanding towards him?

accept it? be nice to him? but he'll never change u see? we have changed, but he never will. i want the old father back. i don't think i will get it. we compromise, but he never did.

u know that things don't really work for u when:

1. you keep snapping at people even though there's no real need to.
2. you pretend to be nice to people even though u just feel like telling them "fuck off"
3. you just want to sleep yet you are caught between wanting to do your gaming and having to wake up early for work the next day.
4. you are just sick of facing the same damn thing everyday and knowing that u have to face the same damn thing for the next 3 years or so.

sighs. i just want my life back. but, if i have a life, i have no moolahs. sighs. what a simple logic, yet so difficult to grasp. because the mind is willing to work, the heart yearns for another thing. sighs. very tired. very unmotivated.

back to the same thing. i know what i want, yet, i'm facing external pressures to not get what i want. damn.

see, i can just keep complaining about this issue and not do anything about it. and i pray that i can last for 3 years. perhaps, i should seriously consider being a teacher, since, it's still pretty much schooling hours.

i need the money, money, money. i have to constantly remind myself why am i here. money, money, money. i want to travel so bad.... i need money, money, money.

it's interesting how the topics at work remain pretty much the few usual boring ones. love, travel, food and money. oh wells, if i really want to discuss something intellectual, i probably surf the net most of the time and have an internal debate within my brain. yes, things are boring. that's why, it's amazing how i can stay awake. hahaha. perhaps, right now, i should find another job first, so i can quit and still have a life.

sighs. looking forward to my LEAVE!!!