i find it extremely insulting when u say things about me based on your own judgement. i mean, u are your own mind, and u can think whatever u want. the thing is, i used to be affected by your judgements of me. however, after being affirmed by many others, no less close than you are, i realise that whatever judgements that u have of me, i'm not sure based on what, are simply things that u can't see. they are simply things that u do not wish to accept of me. i don't know why? perhaps, i can venture a guess? that u wish u were like me? but u can't, because of your own insecurities? your inability to be more open-minded, less myopic? i don't know, and i don't wish to care anymore. i used to want to change you to be a better person for your own good, to come into your own so that u are able to view things more objectively. i believe it's too late now.
perhaps, u can use the arguement that i present a different front in front of different people. take note though, the key word is no less close than u are.
tired. very tired. u still affect me far more than u think or realise. i gladly let myself be affected, cos that's what i am for. the thing is, u become a far more petty and myopic person than u are. the words that comes out of your mouth, in defense, are always because of (lack of a better initial, let's just call) IT. minute and insignificant remarks of mine are being pounded on, magnified. u used to be a better person than now. IT has changed u, i didn't want to recognise, but i have to. and perhaps, i have to let go of u as someone i once knew because of IT. i have to, and i will, because we have different lives now.
try as we can (perhaps i?), i'm unable to find common ground with u. i have recognised it very early on. perhaps, that's why we can get along very well, being fundamentally different in characteristics and behaviour. however, IT has changed u, make u recognise our difference and question it. where our difference enable us to live in peace and get along, now, it has intensify into something worse. i don't mind u questioning things, but IT has made u unwilling to see into my view but IT's own. if they are constructive changes, i'll gladly applaud them. however, he made things worse, because IT wants u to be like IT. and i don't know why u can't see. sighs. where u used to being able to see things from both side. now, it's all one-sided and myopic. sighs.
perhaps, when i put it down in words, it made all the sense now. i have been hiding these feelings for too long. and i'm ready to throw in the towel and give up the fight. what for? if the other party is unwilling to change, i can live with it, even when i don't see u turning into a better person, if u are happy. so be it. that's life? ultimately, living in happiness, even if u don't turn out to be a better person.
well, then again, i'm just being myself. randon musings....
