a brand new start

2011-11-22T15:44:00.000+08:00

2011-11-21T15:07:00.002+08:00

its really interesting how things work out in the end. i thought that i will be here for a long time. in truth, i like it here. alot. there's not much stress, its manageable. most of all, the ppl here, except for that evil witch, are really nice and easy to get along. sighs. i feel sad.. i will miss the working environment.

sighs, sometimes, i really wonder what's my motive for tendering? laziness? overwhelmed? i guess, i have stopped asking myself already. in truth, perhaps, i was overwhelmed by the amount of work i have to do, and i can't stop myself from feeling anger towards that evil witch. right now, i'm at a place of calmness regarding her. i don't want to think of her anymore, bad for my health yah. i will miss this place :(

sighs, big one is really busy nowadays... he doesn't have much time to spend with me :( miss him:( thinking of taking a short trip as i have alot of breaks... hopefully he can spare the time. trying hard to be a more understanding girlfriend. trying not to throw too many tantrums, making unreasonable demands... haha, can't stop my mood swings though, but am trying... :)

sighs, i really want the simple life. haha, i think i have finally understand my character. i don't want to climb the corporate ladder, it doesn't mean anything to me. however, i need to kick start to do what i want!! stop slacking!! haha....

many weddings coming up next year, including mine!!

so need to lose weight... next month!!!!! take photos! wedding bands! dress!! bridesmaid!! many things to plan!!!

so long, should update more, since i'm so free!!

random musings about nothing at all?

2011-08-24T11:59:00.004+08:00

sighs... i think it's more hurting? or should i use the word, bewildered? it's strange when you can't accept me for who i am. i think for a long time, i have been trying to understand and decipher the things u said to me. simply, u can't accept me for who i am. i guess, using the word hurting seems extreme, i have not been hurt, but rather, i can't understand why u can't accept me for who i am?

i find it extremely insulting when u say things about me based on your own judgement. i mean, u are your own mind, and u can think whatever u want. the thing is, i used to be affected by your judgements of me. however, after being affirmed by many others, no less close than you are, i realise that whatever judgements that u have of me, i'm not sure based on what, are simply things that u can't see. they are simply things that u do not wish to accept of me. i don't know why? perhaps, i can venture a guess? that u wish u were like me? but u can't, because of your own insecurities? your inability to be more open-minded, less myopic? i don't know, and i don't wish to care anymore. i used to want to change you to be a better person for your own good, to come into your own so that u are able to view things more objectively. i believe it's too late now.

perhaps, u can use the arguement that i present a different front in front of different people. take note though, the key word is no less close than u are.

tired. very tired. u still affect me far more than u think or realise. i gladly let myself be affected, cos that's what i am for. the thing is, u become a far more petty and myopic person than u are. the words that comes out of your mouth, in defense, are always because of (lack of a better initial, let's just call) IT. minute and insignificant remarks of mine are being pounded on, magnified. u used to be a better person than now. IT has changed u, i didn't want to recognise, but i have to. and perhaps, i have to let go of u as someone i once knew because of IT. i have to, and i will, because we have different lives now.

try as we can (perhaps i?), i'm unable to find common ground with u. i have recognised it very early on. perhaps, that's why we can get along very well, being fundamentally different in characteristics and behaviour. however, IT has changed u, make u recognise our difference and question it. where our difference enable us to live in peace and get along, now, it has intensify into something worse. i don't mind u questioning things, but IT has made u unwilling to see into my view but IT's own. if they are constructive changes, i'll gladly applaud them. however, he made things worse, because IT wants u to be like IT. and i don't know why u can't see. sighs. where u used to being able to see things from both side. now, it's all one-sided and myopic. sighs.

perhaps, when i put it down in words, it made all the sense now. i have been hiding these feelings for too long. and i'm ready to throw in the towel and give up the fight. what for? if the other party is unwilling to change, i can live with it, even when i don't see u turning into a better person, if u are happy. so be it. that's life? ultimately, living in happiness, even if u don't turn out to be a better person.

well, then again, i'm just being myself. randon musings....

2011-08-04T09:55:00.003+08:00

boss is away! so happy... haha... oops.... think it's normal that all of us who have bosses will have this thought, no matter how high a position we are... haha... i have been confirmed! kind of expected it... well, no trying to be complacent or anything, but, i think it's more tiring to retrain someone new. am i a good employee? hell no. haha... i know myself. know that i could have given more, know that there are certain things that i need to do to assuage myself with the boss's goals, know that that to get a promotion/pay increase, etc, certain things that one need to do. however, i'm not that kind of person, never is and never will be.

am i happier? i can definitely say yes. in the sense that i know that i'm learning, albeit a little blur at times. i feel happier seeing my bank account increase. but, i feel more tired too. lesser freedom, it's something that i need to get used to. initially, i need to put in effort. now, it's more of a getting used to situation. haha... think i can control my sleepy modes much better now. my bio clock has switched significantly. from a night cat to a morning bird. well, this definitely needs alot of effort!!!

i've learnt alot from my previous work experiences. dealing with ppl especially, it's a form of art. when handled well, it can save me from alot of trouble. however, i didn't know that previously, which results in me being so easily affected by silly things. recognising that everything is because of work, i can manage my emotions better. however, complaining bitterly about my bosses is something that i will never change.

ok! something more exciting to look forward to! gonna make the decision of my hotel venue soon! can't wait to really plan my wedding themes, outfits and all!! need help from my sisters!! haha... it's exciting, but, i so need to lose weight! hiaz, i love food so much. trying trying and trying!!

my big one is sick. so poor thing... hope he gets well soon....
he's a big softie.. hehe... always putting me first.... :)

2011-06-22T16:39:00.002+08:00

recently, our relationship has its ups and downs. more downs though. i think i'm trying to grapple with feelings of unrequited actions. it is undeniable that after some time, relationships do hit a plateau. certainly, expectations has to be rewritten and reorganised. however, it is just so difficult sometimes, when your heart tells u something, your mind says another, and your actions prove otherwise. 3 way that doesn't match.

i guess, i hate it when assumptions are made after a period of time together. both of us assuming that we know what the other party are thinking, making decisions based on just that. it hurts, because, i thought that i would not be what my parents are. are relationships' results inevitable in that way? routine and humdrum?

sighs, hate myself for the way i behave sometimes. trying not to be too violent and unreasonable, but sometimes its so difficult. hope that i don't have a violent streak in me.

work is getting boring. sighs....

sighs... communication with ppl can be so tiring sometimes....

thanks juan for the nice biscuits! shall enjoy it for my breakfast! it's nice meeting and talking to u again!!

2011-06-08T15:40:00.003+08:00

everytime when i log in to blogger, i will be greeted by the blogs i have some time or another... i realise that this blog is aptly titled... haha, a brand new start of things of any sorts... many things to look forward to recently... tmr, i'm going to make my first major investment!! my new flat with tbb! hopefully, we are able to select the one that we want...

sighs, today is not a good day... just feel so lethargic at work! think it's because of many facebook games playing! haha, it's really very addictive, since i have not used the com for some time!! i can get my laptop this weekend! so happy!! hopefully, i will not lose track of my sleep... will try not to be late!! oops....

my boos is very nice to me. hope it lasts. i rather have a pleasant albeit polite boss-subordinate relationship, than one that is very close which results in ugly incidents happening in future. sighs, luckily, my dept is very small... not a lot of people that i have to mind about... haha...

sighs, i wonder, who is sadder. the female or the male? i really wonder... i have nth much to add, just that, would things be different if they are allow to pursue what they want. or is it too much for me to be judgemental? i don't wish to judge, but i can't help feeling sorry for my own kind. sighs... it's situations such as this that render me helpless... should u help so that they can each get their own happiness? or, they are already happy, perhaps? who can tell....

2011-06-07T11:31:00.002+08:00

have been surfing net as usually while working.. been looking at alot of dresses... preparing for my choice of gowns for wedding day/photoshoots/etc. been kind of worried about my choice of bridal package from Signoria Nuziale. however, have been reading different wedding blogs, and now feel comforted with my choice. i guess, making a decision of such magnitude can be intimidating and scary...

was talking to tbb ytd... i guess, have never really been comfortable in the limelight. having ppl fussing over my clothes, make-up, hairdo... it just seems so invading... haha, guess, have to get used to it during my wedding preparation.... sighs.... hopefully, things can be settled soon so that i can rest at home during the weekends... know that i have been going out almost everyday, my mom is going to kill me... sighs, so many commitments...

attended a very interesting wedding ytd... feel kind of saddened by it... i guess, it's really sad if the parents and children has a distance. bystanders don't really understand the historics of the relationship, but it's still just very sad.... and i guess, making insensitive remarks by one's own relatives during the wedding is very hurtful....

tbb and i must really lose weight... sighs, many people keep commenting... it's so stressful and hurting :( see how it goes....

sianz, feel so sleepy and slacky! hope to slack for the rest of the day but i think not....!

2011-06-03T14:16:00.003+08:00

it's a hectic week. my first closing, seems quite ok when the figures tie. still feeling blur about things though. must try to get used to the accounts language. must reinforce my knowledge! sighs, if only i don't feel sleepy all the time....

trying to juggle piano and work. it's easier in audit, when there's no week day piano. feel so tired easily... argh! maybe it's me getting older and my body is screaming out to me. U NEED REST. haha... see how it goes... about my future regarding my career, still not sure of what i want yet. this manager seems easy to work with, at least she doesn't scold people in the face. better learning environment for me at least. compared to YL, whom i will remember forever. the managers in the audit environment is so stuck up and unapproachable. everything must be kept at a professional distance. lack of interaction and communication is what makes the life so unbearable...

planning for a wedding is fun! yet, busy! there seems to be many things to consider!! sighs, to have a beautiful wedding, one must have lots of money. sighs, if only i can do what i want without considering the cost, then i can take lots of beautiful photos!! haha... hopefully, this can be settled soon so that i can start to lose weight. i hope... haha...

politics in singapore... haha, don't feel like integrating myself in the online debate. i can argue both sides of the coin. but then again, i can't say if i'm pro-PAP or not. :P hope that george yeo becomes the president though!!

sighs.... want to lose weight!

2010-10-11T13:59:00.002+08:00

it has really been a long time since i last blogged. haha, my lazy fingers just seem to want to play games. and thanks to my new iphone 4 from my tbb, i'm now addicted to the phone!! aRGH! playing till the wee hours of the morning. haha, i guess, need to get used to the routine of a iphone user :P

things have changed alot. i guess, going back to coportate next year. i don't relish the thought. glued to a computer screen. i have no choice. the practical benefits of being a piano teacher doesn't outweigh one of a corporate career. i have more free time, but do i really need to have so much free time? haha, i guess the answer is no, because i spend most of it playing games.... oops.... even though i earn more than before, putting in lesser hours, the stability is not there. now, the focus is for me to earn enough money to put it into a business, doing something that we can truly call ours. :) hopefully, the job market still has place for me next year.

sighs, wish i have the motivation to practise more piano. i feel so lazy during the day. argh. i'm improving and i don't wish to deprove!!!

sighs, many family issues, hope they will just disappear!!!

2010-08-04T00:55:00.003+08:00

it's been a few days since the concert. the same old feelings returned, of course. expected by me, but surprisingly, i've come to a resolution this time round. sorted out my thinking, and vowed to be a better person. :)

how can i compete with someone where the competition standard is different. i didn't realilse this till yesterday. i have been giving myself a lot of pressure (this is good), thinking that i have to be better than her. however, i realise that i have been always giving my best to my students, ensuring that they have reached their potential, regardless of whether i have her qualifications. to me, seeing that able to do better than they can is enough for me. i should stop trying to emulate her methods and outcome, but perform my best for all my students, bringing them to their best. that in itself, is the best of all.

and i have gotten used to the idea that not all students/their parents will like me as their teacher. it came as a shock to me initially, because, this is the first time it has happened. however, i have other parents asking me to extend my contract, saying that i have transformed their child. this is all that made it worthwhile. seeing that my students are able to be interested becuase of me :P i guess, everything has its pros and cons, and the best that i can do is not to take it personally.

feeling much better regarding my career. doing what i know i can do instead of thinking poorly of myself and achieving something that is simply impossible. the bitch, yes, the practical bitch who used me so willingly, and seems to want to cast me aside now because she found someone. the bitch who disregard my capabilities. it's ok, because i feel recognised elsewhere. i guess, i have found my inner peace regarding you. for a long time, i sought your recognition, but, i realise that it's not going to happen as long as you judge me based on your myopia. it's ok, i recognised it before and am going to deal with it now. simply, u can't affect me anymore. i just look to greener pastures :P

knowing how to deal with the nitty grittiness of this career is something new. however, i'm managing fine. learning, ain't everything's about learning? haha.... so long, till the next one.

YES, and i'm still trying to lose weight. argh!

2010-07-19T00:40:00.002+08:00

february till now, 5 months exactly. haha, that's how long i've been out of action. sighs, people seem to want to blog whenever there's issues. sighs. teaching, like everything else, has it's ups and downs, and i believe that everything is linked. one thing leads to another. sighs.

sad truth 1: you have put in so much effort for your student and have seen improvement, yet, the mother chooses to entrust the child to another teacher.

sad truth 2: you are the last to know about sad truth 1.

sad truth 3: you should booklick the admin to prevent sad truth 2.

the mother of all truths: i know that i cannot expect everyone to like me, but it hurts so much, when as a teacher, i'm already planning the progress of my student and this has to happen. FUCK. perhaps, the stupid mother should stop looking at my appearance (oh, and she's so not subtle, looking at me from head to toe every single week), where none other parents have any problems with, and judge me. rejection, a process which takes place in many circumstances in life, where i have yet to fully comprehend. damn, it matters so much more when it's your livelihood. sighs.

and the stupid admin, which lacks of simple decency to inform me. FUCK. i have been nothing short of polite to them, not unlike QMC. yes, granted that i'm not friendly, but i have been polite. and this is the treatment i get. i will get my revenge (it's not childish and mindless, it's just fighting for my rights!!!), yes, i will. all the problems that i have with my students, will not be mine anymore. why should i adhere to the rules so much and to face disappointment in people that i have been cordial and polite with. argh.

damn, if i could anticipate all these problems, things would be so much easier. perhaps, having the experience and mindset to deal with all these, these would not affect me so much!! sucks big time. i guess, just part and parcel of my job. argh!!!

my conscience is clear. i always teach well, seen by the results that i produce and the rapport i have with students and parents. i guess, it's inate in me to just not get along with people managing me. haha, my problem again? well, i guess, at least i know my own strengths and weaknesses.

other things... i know i'm not an easy person to be with. often bad-tempered, sighs. i know that many things can't be helped, i know that i have to be more understanding. but sometimes, it's hard to control my emotions when things matter to me so much. still learning on dealing with my relationship. thing we are managing well, despite many downs recently. all part and parcel of learning :) thanks for being my understanding dear :)

can't wait to go genting!!

2010-02-19T11:21:00.002+08:00

the cny holidays are ending for me today. next, it's gonna be one month of teaching before i have a break. oh wells, at least i'm not dreading to go teaching as compared to the past year, where i have to physically drag myself out of the comforts of my bed. :) teaching full-time now, i can totally get the customer-oriented feel. sighs, everything about business is being customer-oriented. the realities of life. at least, it is easier than audit. would i go back to the corporate industry? it is still too early for me to come to any decision yet. i'm happy where i'm now, guess that's all that matters right now.

many thoughts swirled in my mind during this cny period. mainly to deal with people. the negative thoughts and feelings that i have to a certain cousin always arise during this period. it will take about a week for this unhealthy thoughts to dissipate. sighs. i have always hated this stupid feeling. i guess, it's mainly due to my mom's relentless competitive streak regarding them. however, during this cny, things have changed. i have understood that it's the adults that have created this ridiculous barrier. i can't close this barrier right now, but i have resolved this negative feeling that i have. :) not totally, but most of it. i think, during the next year, same period, i'm able to view things differently.

it's really funny how i'm able to dish out advice for others yet unable to apply the same logic regarding myself. however, we must always think out of context, where, even without the status, we are able to achieve the things we want to. sounds confusing? just a simple example: i have always wanted to see the world, the different environments that people live in. i can achieve that as long as i have the monetary means. this may not be due to my occupational status, but the financial decisions i make in my life. i have to get that occupational status does not equate to financial status. i'm still learning :)

learning, a life-long journey. still learning, regarding relationships. haha, things are certainly not a bed of roses. expectations have changed, and effort less needed as we understand each other more. less compromise have occurred as we understand each others moods and thought processes. well, i believe that as long as we commit and make the effort, anything can last. :)

it really has been a long time since i last blogged :)

2010-02-01T14:13:00.002+08:00

i'm wondering how am i able to like my sunday class wholly. haix, i still can't find the excitement for teaching on sundays. perhaps, it's because of that student of mine. argh. teaching piano has it's stress too. since it's a relatively large organisation, i can't do things my own way. to think that they even remind you to be patient to your students =.= oh wells, i'm earning my keep from them, guess some level of conformity is needed?

had the yearly reunion dinner last night. perhaps i'm feeling tired? i don't seem to mind alot about the things that used to bother me. :) guess it's better, as in i save my energy in bothering about unimportant things. however, it also shows that i've matured in some ways. perhaps, understanding who am i, what i want and what i have is more important then some previous generation's rivalry. haha, one thing that doesn't change: when i dislike something/someone, i will just move away from that object. haha, i just don't like u guys. period. :)

getting used to my life and routine right now. :) hopefully, i'll be ready for the exams by next year. my target is this year, to get all my pieces ready, to drill down in technicalities after that. however, the practising right now is harder, having to inculcate many things at once. haha. it's easier to demand that of my students then for myself!! discipline! not a great problem of me, but, must maintain still!

i guess, i choose my wars nowadays. when i see a discussion that i am able to give my 2 cents worth but will lead to a heated argument, i choose to shut up. sometimes, i feel that i've lost the will to fight, but perhaps, i'm just more elitist? i choose the people that i want to speak to. oops, shoot me! but perhaps, i'm more used to like-minded people i guess:)

yay! going to body world tmr! can't wait to spend the day with my dear dear!

2010-01-25T22:30:00.002+08:00

life transformers touches my heart in different ways with each episode. however, what never changes is the increase in my effort to show appreciation for the people who love and care for me. it never fail to amaze me how much i have in my life right now. i must learn to appreciate it and also help others who need help most. today's episode featured an overbearing mother. i hope that i will never become like her and also never meet one!! haha....

cny is coming!! haha, really looking forward to it. a week of no teaching. oops! sometimes it's quite tiring. but most of all, i usually have nothing much to do during the day. haha. however, one good thing that comes out of it is that i have more time to spend with my family :)

i guess, most things have its pros and cons. i think that i'm becoming more of a recluse as time goes by. not too sure though if it's a good or bad thing. i have been selfish in the past. guarding my time more preciously than most other things. things are the opposite now. guess i have to re-orient myself. :)

relationships are never easy to deal with. what is the hardest for me is managing expectations. i know it's hard for me to expect the other party to have the same standard as me. however, this feel will not dissipate easily. i guess, compromise. if only it is that easy. no matter what, learning new things as the relationship develops.

dear dear, take care of yourself ok:)

2010-01-25T01:23:00.003+08:00

it has really been a long time since i last blogged. haha, many things have changed. i wanted to get the blogging habit back, but i've been a lazy person since the change of career. so, i'm a full-time piano teacher. anyone who wants piano lessons, u know who to look for!

it is really tough getting used to working so little hours per day. i've been working 7 days a week for the past year and a half. when u start breaking down things into details, i wondered how i manage to cope with it all. but i did, and i really need to thank my dear dear for being by my side and understanding my crazy and hectic schedule. thanks dear, i didn't know if u knew it or not, i know u wished that i could have more time for you. appreciate u for giving me my own space when i need it :)

the difference in schedule is something that i must acknowledge, get used to, and deal with it. so far, i think i'm still at stage 2. haha, but i will do my best. it's difficult, but i know that both of us will work hard to make it work. i have faith in us.

sometimes, i let doubts fester in my mind regarding my career path. but i guess, it's really too soon for me to make my decision. what keeps me going is the thought of getting my diploma. i really want to get it. somehow, i feel that it's really a good thing to take my diploma when i was in jc. sighs, too late for any regrets now. at this point in time, this diploma really mean a lot to me. i can't afford not to have a heck-care attitude that i used have towards my music when i was in sec sch. and this fear that i might not succeed the first time really gets to me now and then. but i just tell myself, to have faith in ms goh and myself. :)

still have to get used to working in a big organisation. argh, appearances, why is it so hard to maintain sometimes. argh, need to get used to the fact that i don't have good students all the time!!

cny resolution! to lose weight before cny!! haha hope that i can make it!
also, to get my blogging habit back!!

2009-11-25T11:25:00.002+08:00

i guess, putting down my thoughts in writing would make things clearer, or not. u see, it's really sad that i have my family who doesn't support me in most of the things i do. i should have expected that. that's how my family works. that is why, it doesn't really affect me. the shouting, the putting-me-d0wn, the criticisims, i can deal with it. i have expected it, that's why, i can deal with it.

however, i cannot accept the fact that my father, wants to lecture me, telling me the way to work in the corporate world. perhaps, i have stopped accepting advice from my father a long time ago. simply, he doesn't really take into account my ideas, my thoughts and my circumstances. oh hindsight, i know that he wants the best for me, trying to protect me from the "dangers" of the corporate industry. however, he has never asked me about the nature of my work, never sought to understand how my industry works, and yet he wants to fester an opinion. i just can't accept that. is it so hard to just talk nicely to me? is it so difficult to just ask me about my work nature? why is it that other parents see the good in their children but mine doesn't. why is it that they are so affected by little things that doesn't mean anything at the end of the day?

i really don't want to fight with my father. i think that i can never ask him for any advice, never be close to him any longer. no matter how hard i try to remember the good that he has done for me, these constant fights just linger in me. why is it so hard for him to accept that we have grown up? why is it so hard for him to accept our ideas? he doesn't have to accept it, but listening to it is just enough. is it so hard for him to do that? must he want to bring it to the point till that he just refuses to accept other people's point of view and turn everyone else away?

i guess, at the end of the day, i'll just live the way i always have had. no lasting enemies. with regards to my family of course. haha. if i am happy with my life, i can determine failure and success to my liking. i don't have to see failure and success from another person's eyes. at the end of the day, i'm not living vicariously. i'm still living my life.

2009-11-13T16:09:00.002+08:00

ok, i think i have been somewhat showing some attitude. but whatever, i simply can't care anymore. sometimes, it's just so tiring to care so much of what others think. perhaps, i'm numbing myself in a way, so that i would not miss audit too much when i'm away. sighs, i think that i have gotten used to audit. but perhaps, i will miss it as a result of the attitude that i'm showing now. haha, oops. so i guess, when the stress comes in, i will be in deep shit.

new a1s, argh! sometimes, i wish they would be more intelligent in asking questions. hope that i wasn't like that in the past. i know i wasn't that irritating. haha. oh wells, at least, it's nice to see the new people having the drive. hopefully, they can hang in there.

argh, be booked under that person's job next week. hope she doesn't give me any grief. my status is such that she will not bother about me i guess. haha. hopefully. and i wanna go home early!! oops....

i love fridays!!

2009-11-04T09:49:00.002+08:00

ok, here it goes again. it's been more than one month since i last blogged. haha. quite a lot of things have changed. the things that i've grappled with for the past 3 months or so are going to disappear. what a relief. to be not sitting in the company and wishing for things to be different, but actually doing it. even though the response was somehow what i expect, still, dealing with it is not as easy as i thought.

my parents say the usual things that i expect. i mean, what can i expect them to say really? they have their concerns. but somehow, it's nice if they recognise that what i want might not be what they want for me? different people want different things in life. some people yearn for glamour, for power, for money, and so on. me, i yearn for simplicity for now. i thought that i can deal with the corportate world, but i was wrong. i don't want to live through the corporate world being unhappy, playing little games, acting in front of people. it's so tiring. maybe i'll miss it, being unable to interact with people of my age, but i'll live. not sure how i will take teaching piano full-time, but i'll figure it out. if not, i'll just try another thing to do. no matter what people think they know, no matter what people say, the ultimate decision lies in me. i guess, it's me being happy that matters most.

in singapore, people like to have success at their fingertips immediately. it's not wrong, to like to have a certainty to things. however, is that how the world works? i hope not. it'll be so tiring, lacking the courage to try different things and hating oneself for doing the things they don't like. ain't it a touture to live like that? i've been there. i've learnt the hard way. but i did. everything in life is a lesson to learn.

i enjoyed time by myself yesterday. watched coraline and my sister's keeper! coraline is very interesting. it certainly brings out the fact that little children should not be left alone too much. hope that i can be a good mother in future. haha. my sister's keeper, a tear jerker. sighs, it always struck me that people always regret when they lose something. so why can't people treasure it now, instead of getting affected by small issues that don't mean a thing. argh. guess that not everyone has the same sentiments as me.

sighs. waiting for the manager. hopefully she doesn't come and i can slack. haha. well, i certainly can wish...!

2009-09-15T15:27:00.002+08:00

i realise that i do not like you as a person. i was thinking that i should be nice to you, since you are leaving. and i do not wish to have "unfinished" or "unpleasant" business with anyone. however, after today's alone time with you, i realise that i just can't communicate with you. be it the way u choose to hide things (seriously, i don't really care to know since you do not want to say), shows a lack of understanding human interaction and mannerism. it just irks me because you show yourself to be dishonest and full of secrecy. my policy is such that, if you do not want people to know, simply, just don't mention anything about the topic. but to say something and profess another, it's just not right. i do not wish to associate myself with you anymore. last time. that's it.

sighs, i hate it when people bring out the worse in me. why is it that often, i can see the way people are, yet they just lack insights. argh. i know it's unfair to judge someone so badly, it's just in plain view. argh. at least i can say, i'm honest and factual.

sometimes i wonder is it so important to follow the dreams of others? what others perceive may not be what you perceive. it may also not be the best. i just know that the decision that i make, has to come from within and not from others. in that way, i guess, the mistakes or the wrong path that i take, can be blamed on one but myself. oh wells....

2009-09-14T13:53:00.002+08:00

ok. i have complained about my SM these few days. i do not like him. he's unreasonable, unfair and has unrealistic expectations. to learn under him, i really have to learn the hard way. on hindsight, i think i learn much more in this manner, albeit, i probably leave a bad impression on the SM. actually, i already have left a super damn bad impression on him, as he could actually threaten me with my ratings. on well, unknown to you, dear SM, probably, u can really see why i didn't apply to go to tax in the first place. whatever, sighs.

alot of us do not know what we want in life. maybe we think we do, or we like to pretend that we do, so that we can confidently tell everyone that we are moving in the right direction. also, many people who are not in our situation will think that we are just griping meaninglessly. however, most will not understand that this business is not for the faint-hearted, lack of office politics or a sense of remote ambitions. no matter what, i have a theory. it's a simple theory actually. do u want to make work your life?

if u think that a career is very improtant to you, by all means, go all out to impress your superiors, your managers and bosses. however, if you think that you are just earning a living to get by, then just treat it as something that gives u monetary value, and not think too much of it. and the old argument of, liking what one does comes about. yes, it's important to find something that u enjoy doing, but many might not know whtat it is yet. perhaps, just go along with what one is comfortable with? perhaps, doing something that u might not dread everyday? it may be a refreshing change after all. perhaps, for me, i know that at the end of the day, i will not stay in audit, there's really no point for me to hang on.

a piece of good news! i lost 2 kg! i'm so happy!!! hahahahahha..... herbalife rocks for now!

sleepy, hope the day ends soon, i want to go home!!

2009-09-11T13:26:00.002+08:00

i simply love spending my day in JB. cheap food and movies! simply splendid! haha... it's now back in the boring office, doing NOTHING! haha.... i think many are jealous of me. oops :)

going to watch a concert at Yong Siew Toh later. hopefully, i'll get even more motivated to pursue my diploma. :) sighs, the lack of time is the most vital attribute of all. argh.

yawns, sleepy. i'm gonna read my online story book!

2009-09-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

econs since i last blogged. on wells, been in a bad mood recently. don't know what's wrong. but the decision that i decided to make seems to have been a good one for me. at least, i'm not in so much of a bad mood. i'm focusing on what the future can be. :) hopefully, i can get what i want. anything to leave this place of nightmares.

tax, argh. sometimes, i think the higher management should just have realistic expectations from the staff. seriously, there's a reason why i'm in audit and not tax. cos my tax sucks? argh. hate it. i hate people having the expectation that i should know this and that. whatever. argh! anyway, hopefully, the work that i have handed in is up to his standard. i just don't want to look at it anymore. argh! at least i understand what the hell is going on. damn.

going to start on my diet regimen. haha. taking herbalife products. hope it works :) losing weight in a healthy manner :) think i need some getting used to it once more. haha, seriously, milk is not my kind of thing! nevertheless, i shall press on! :) i must stick to it! i must! lol... also, my exercise regimen! my 10km run is coming up, desperately in need of practising!! haha...

dear dear take care ok:) always be there for u! jiayou! muacks muacks!

2009-09-07T13:46:00.001+08:00

14th August 2009

This post is supposed to be on this date. blogged on the wrong blog. haha.

hmm, haven't been blogging for quite some time already.... oh wells, been quite busy with tax computations lately. was quite stressed recently. was given a holding company and it was so difficult!! i can honestly say that i don't totally understand what i was doing. however, i did my best. oh wells, just have to wait for the review. guess that they don't really hold high expectations from us. haha. so i can just take my time in understanding. the sucky thing is, we have to work within a budget. that really sucks... so i'm just slacking now, and praying that there's nothing for me to do till 530. it's a friday! guess that everyone has no time for us. haha :)

i love my life now. at least, for the next 3 weeks, i can plan what to do after office hours. :) i can slp early...! haha! there's it's cons too. i can't slp at night :( perhaps, i'm less tired physically and mentally. and i slp too early! haha.... hope my panda eyes go away soon!! shoo! shoo! shoo!! relationships are funny things. sometimes, it's easy for me to say i finally found someone that i can depend on, that i can let down of my protective armour and let someone into my life. however, sometimes, i find that i have to be a source of strength for the other party. and i think i know why some relationships fail. it's becuase the female party forgets that they have to be a source of strength for their other half too. still trying to strike a balance and find what is comfortable:)

it's quite dis-heartening if people don't see that your relationship with your bf will last. oh well, i guess, it's one thing to take one's comments to heart and another thing to trust oneself. i choose to trust myself for now. :) ok, there's work coming up.... well, don't think it will last very long. and, i'm sick of macdonald!!

2009-08-17T16:03:00.002+08:00

it has been quite a trumatic week.... piano wasn't the usual relief that i feel. i guess, miscommunication can be a deadly wound at all times. oh well, i decide to give the benefit of doubt to the prinicpal. i do not wish to question her motives. i do not wish to question my suspicions. i do not wish to question my loyalty and dedication to my students. i do not wish to think. till the next "hoo-ha" comes, i shall refuse to think and ponder about other options.

sighs. i hate practicality. where's the innocence of just teaching all the students. i guess, all i wanted was to challenge myself to bring out the potential in my students. promising students, i want to bring out the challenge in them. however, i guess, i will lose the opportunity soon. perhaps, from my student's perspective, it'll be better for them to find a new teacher? i don't know. all i know is that i try my best to improve. to build up on my knowledge. i don't know if it's enough. but i'm trying, and till now, i don't think that i've failed any of them. argh. hate it.

sometimes, i just wish that life is simple, really simple.

sighs, i need to lose weight. hate the me that i see in the mirror. argh. i swore to lose weight by CNY!! argh!

2009-08-05T10:41:00.002+08:00

i'm bored.... tax so far, performing the simple computations, it's not that difficult, what's more with piror year to follow. sighs... the 2 "seniors" are not around, and i have nothing much to do. it'll be exciting when i realise that i may be charging too much to personal time. oh wells, i'll decide when it comes to that. bored....

met up with g ytd:) it's always nice to know how your classmates are doing. well, in the sense, one may be comparing whether one is on par with the person of our age. most of my classmates are becoming teachers. haha. seems that it's quite a good industry to go into. stable career, consistent pay... oh wells, predictability is also quite nice i guess. instead of being in the corporate industry, where many happenings daily is not predictable. i like teaching. didn't realise that i enjoy it. i enjoy interacting with my students, finding out how they have turned into, the kind of youngsters walking in our society, :) at least it adds value to my life. feeling a sense of satisfaction when i see my students do well, or overcoming their fear.

sometimes, when people are too pracitcal, it affects me too. i have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like me, that they can give up comforts of their life to achieve satisfaction. perhaps the basic needs of monetary needs are not met. that's why. oh wells, each to his/her own. i guess, when one is happy with their life, that's all that matters? i'm happy that we still share freely, but guess that i can understand her much better and that makes it easier to talk to her. hope that things turn out well for her :)

the company is a scary place, really scary. seems like u come in with a big bang but leave without anyone knowing. rubbish...

should i or should i not? feel like though. think i'm gonna give it a try and see how things goes.... :)

meanwhile, i have an important task at hand. trying to look busy.

2009-07-31T14:39:00.002+08:00

ok. i'm bored again. haha. yes, really bored. waiting for manager. these 2 weeks are a blast. haha, working for managers who doesn't exert a huge amount of pressure on me. meeting up with friends. :) it was a blast, catching up with sis, se, hm, hq, wx and ps! i'm tired though, have been sleeping rather late these few days. But! i feel that life has some purpose after all, working and having the time to catch up with people i care about :)

hmm, it's the time of the year in the company where many people are leaving. perhaps, i will get used to it after some time. for snrs that i enjoy working with, i feel a sense of sadness. however, i feel happy for them as they will be rid of this shit hole. wonder when will my turn be? oh well, since i'm still staying for a while, i choose not to think too much about it. so far, not much pressure on me yet. haha, shall just enjoy my life for a while more still.

sometimes, i wonder what my motivation in teaching piano is. is it the money? or the passion? i guess, it's really hard to quantify the percentage of monetary motivation and passion. i guess, one has to be practical, even with the passion, one has to earn some money. sometimes, it feels hurtful to know that your principal doesn't value u as much as u think she does. i have been with her for 5 years, yet my percentage doesn't increase. yet, my fees doesn't increase. yes, i admit my qualifications are not on par with the new teacher, i admit that, however, it's just so unfair. for the same student, she is not even charging me at market rate. it's fine, but if she increase the student's fee accordingly to the qualifications based on the old fee, it's fair. but she did not. she just gave a $10 discount off the market rate. damn. it's just so unfair. and why didn't i point it out? well, i always tell myself that i have a full-time job, shouldn't complain too much i guess? i like my current students, so i guess, perhaps, just stay till my current students have finished their studies? oh well, life's like that sometimes. will ask her if i decide to go full-time. oh crap, just feel like letting off steam.

sighs, economics vs passion.

haha....

2009-07-28T09:30:00.003+08:00

argh... damn bored. waiting for the manager. hope she is not MIA. otherwise, i'll have a whole day of pretending that i have things to do. argh... took a cab today. and the uncle thinks i'm married!! haha... he was shocked when i told him my age. oh man.... haha.... have been meeting nice cab driver recently....! yesterday and today. sometimes, i don't mind them talking. but sometimes, i want them to give me peace too. but i like those kind that tell me about their children. haha, so i can get a first hand experience of what people in my generation are doing with my life.

met this uncle yesterday who was retrenched. it's very sad. i think he feels abandoned by his company. previously, he held a very high post. i guess, when age is catching up, it's very difficult to find jobs even though the experience is there. also, with younger people, the payout is not as expensive. oh well, economics meet practicalism.

watched harry potter yesterday! it was a very nice movie. haha. i enjoyed it very much. perhaps, everyone keeps telling me how boring it is. my expectations were very much lowered. well, many details were not in the movie. but, it's like that i guess, how can u put all the details into a 2./5 hour movie. emma watson is so cool! like her!

hopefully, i'll get a slack week:) the manager is always missing! oh wells, better than working.

2009-07-24T15:03:00.003+08:00

argh! can't believe how stupid i am!! i should have done the work given to me for the whole day! sighs, what a rarity, the manager has nothing for me to do. and she's going for a discussion! she was actually asking other managers to use me. argh!! haha. well, hopefully, when it's 530, she's not back from the discussion and i can go home!! :) shall just exit my groove. silly me thought that she needed the things in a hurry. :) slack week! i'm happy!

sometimes, it really takes 2 hands to clap. what is it called? i believe it's understanding and compromise.

understanding: it is important to understand each other's goals. perhaps, to understand what is important to one. that's the interesting thing. what is important to one may not be important to others. perhaps, why relationships always meet a problem is due to this factor. each party is unable to understand why certain things and ideas are important to the other. this will lead to arguments. and the scary thing is, people break apart when they are unable to resolve the arguments. hopefully, this does not happen to my relationships. :/

compromise: reaching a compromise is as difficult as understanding one another. reaching a compromise means being less stubborn to holding on to one's beliefs. i believe that everything can be compromised, it just depends on the degree that the other party is willing to go to give in to the other. sighs, compromise, and i realise that i'm very stubborn. argh!

i know that i'm selfish at times. i'm unwilling to change alot of myself, in terms of, habits, behaviour and beliefs even though i'm in a relationship. i'm trying, however, i do question myself sometimes. is it better off being single? where i do not have to worry about compromising. but i refuse to let go yet. my dear dear means alot to me:) i'm willing to try and accomodate. things are different when one is in a relationship. often, we cannot do things by our whism and fancy, we have to try to understand and accomodate. this i will try. be less selfish.

haha. musings on my part, don't take it too seriously?

:)

2009-07-22T14:55:00.002+08:00

i just so love doing nothing. waiting for the manager to call me. how long have i been waiting? about 4 hours? it's not so bad, surfing the net, reading on gossips. kind of a slack and good life. except that, the manager's gonna question me about why things are not done. and supposedly, am i to say that they are tasks belonging to the seniors? we shall see. it's been another minute pass, and no phone call. damn. it's really not too bad, till the manager probably wants me to stay late to complete some task that i could have completed like 2 hours ago? i'm just a lowly A1, don't expect too much... that's the problem with people sometimes, assuming about everything. damn.

feeling like i'm falling sick. hope it's not the SWINE. hahaha. feel like taking MC tomorrow. what a stupid shit job. senior has abandonned me. manager, i hope, it's nice. seems not too, from what my fellow colleagues say. hope to go back early today. what more can a girl ask?

haha... interesting lunch i have. it's weird. guess that's how it is, meeting dear dear's friends. need to get used to it :)

argh, the manager is still MIA. hope she doesn't look for me at 4pm. i will curse her. haha....

2009-07-21T09:54:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i ponder over the necessity of treating my colleagues nicely. bantering with them, smiling at them. i was doing it before. but right now, i just seem to have lost the need to do all these. perhaps, doing all these will earn a good feedback, but, what are the seniors looking for? sometimes, the corporate world is just so practical. if u have the ability, people will rave and flock to u. however, if u are just an average joe, people will not even give 2 hoots about u. however, the world is made up of average joes. people who are born smart often neglect the feelings of average joes. perhaps, we'll just have to deal with it the best we can.

in university days, i was very affected by how people view me. of course, who wants to be viewed as stupid. however, when working, i've learnt to let go. there are just too many things in life to be bothered by how people view me. i'm more concerned with how my family, dear dear and real friends relates to me. :) working, creating a facade of yourself, i find it tiring. haha, ignorance is bliss. i've always believed in that.

slacking now... hopefully the client gives me what i need! argh. haha....

can't wait for the next week of leave!

2009-07-20T16:04:00.003+08:00

ok, it's been about 2.5 weeks since i last blogged. haha, i realise that i have a tendency to blog whenever i'm stuck in office. oh well, the current job is not too difficult. consolidation, agreeing figures are not too difficult, just need to find out where the figures come from? except that i'm supposed to be stationed in office. argh, it's so far from home! one good thing is that the snr is not from my team, haha, and she comes in later than me. yay! and she seems nice. hope that i can slack! not a very good attitude? well, i can't be bothered too much. it's just work, not my life. i refuse to make it my life. *bleah*

had a wonderful leave period. went to lots of swimming. managed a genting trip in between. went to JB for the day and got really fat. managed to treat my grandma and parents. most importantly, spent time with my sisters, and dear dear! hehe.

back to reality. how does one deal with reality? realise that i'm not too affected by things. find that i can't behave like giggly teenage girls much longer. sometimes, i wonder, why do some people just have so much energy. perhaps, its just me who is tired most of the time. argh. well, think it's gonna be a tough next month. starting out in tax, hopefully, managers and seniors are nice. anyway, if they are not, don't think that they can affect me that much, after all, i'm just a lowly A1. haha. being an A1 has its merits in certain ways.

my students are having exams next month. kind of anxious about my cousins. chanced upon the elder cousin's blog yesterday. it's quite sad that she finds piano stressful. oh well, didn't realise that i have that effect of stressing my students. perhaps, i set high expectations for my students and myself. overall, i guess, a teacher just want her students to do well? have to make up for students these few weeks. hopefully, it's enough for them to get at least a merit. yes, i'm that demanding. haha. i don't just want them to pass. it'll reflect their technicialities too?

musings on my part: be single and attached has its pros and cons. can't really say which is the better option or choice? just that they entails different expectations and planning in life. like what my dear dear said, he doesn't like to see me tired. sometimes, i think that i feel tired too much that i don't really think about things. and when i do think about things, they tend to overwhelm me. for instance, the past 2 weeks, have been thinking more about things, marriage, family, future, career. thinking about them means i must make a decision. had come to terms with many things, and the conclusion, i don't want to think too much about how things are not working out. just have a few options at hand, so that i know how to walk the next step, that's more important than anything.

human relationships are very vulnerable. hate to see ppl arguing uselessly, hate shouting aimlessly. perhaps, as what bh said, i'm really just a "peaceful person who likes freedom". that perhaps, sums me up most well. :)

and i soooo need to meet u up. dear PS!!

2009-07-02T13:19:00.002+08:00

it's been about 4 months since i last blogged. many things happened? not really, but i've grown wiser, smarter, and perhaps, more cynical about people. corporate world, many people want to get inside. sometimes, i wonder, at what cost? think all of us have changed in one way or another. efforts not being recognised, think i have to deal with it. damn. i hate it. i don't want to understand any more things about the audit, tax or anything else. i just don't. as usual, they don't interst me alot. argh. i hate it! damn. just wish that i can stop thinking about all these. courage, think this topic has been prevalent in most of my entries, which i still lack sorely. i want to go out and do what i want. but i just lack the stupid courage. and i don't want to listen to anything. hate how it affects me. i sound incoherent. and i know. just typing anything that comes to my mind. sighs. whatever.

2009-02-04T11:03:00.003+08:00

wow. my previous entry was more than a month ago. not surprising, since i'm on this job, i often don't have time to do the things i want. and guess what? it's still the cny period, yet, i don't even feel it. argh! peak period, darn, i must really try to get used to it.

working for this manager has its merits. i really admire her to a large extent, how she gets things done efficiently. however, it's at the expense of her family. well, wonder how she can let work overtake her life. perhaps, there's really no choice in the matter? hmmz... got scolded by her before, haha, looking back now, i thought that i would not be affected much, but guess i was wrong. really stress, trying not to make mistakes and get things done efficiently. not easy, when i've been slacking for a long time. well, being on a tightrope all the time is not a fun thing exactly. looking forward to my next job. client, NEC! haha, accounts should be clean, ppl polite. and with juan! haha, should be a much better experience :)

really tired. a week of 20 hrs slp is not sufficient. sighs, going to look old really soon :( whatever. off-peak=slping time!

went with twin sis and her friend to timbre. really like the ambience there. nice chill-out place to relax. hope to go again soon! haha, sis wanna intro the pump room and other likes of it, haha... enjoy chilling-out! company must be right though.

unexpected things happen in the family. sighs, hope that grandma will be alright. hate to see anything happen to her at this age. she has enough.

someone is still treating me very nice. haha, hope it lasts. i have faith. glad we took the time to talk things out. it really helped, looking forward to spending more time with u after the peak period. :)

unexpected friends have been contacting me... haha! glad that i'm still remembered. and i miss hanging out with my friends. ps! juan! hm, hq, wx! yoke! and my, we'll meet up soon! argh, peak period.

oh yar, i need to spend time with my sistas~! too! love them!

2009-01-02T22:49:00.002+08:00

never thought that i would start a new year like this. sighs. cried 3 times today. wonder what's wrong with me. never thought that i would be this easily affected, vulnerable... whatever. sighs. must be myself back again. the strong gal that i'm so proud of, where has it gone? damn, and perhaps i know the reason very well.

and today, i learn the important lesson of compromising. as much as i want to speak to u, talk to u, i know i cannot be so selfish to deprive u of your night of fun. sighs. i was surprised that u couldn't tell that i was crying when talking to u. oh wells, i'm still learning. sighs.

have to work tomorrow. sighs.

but other than this, i think i have reasons to smile. :) at least twin sis is not mad at me.

sighs, turning 23 soon. bugger...

2008-12-31T10:04:00.002+08:00

how time flies. it's the time of the year where one makes new year resolutions once again! haha. according to my tradition, it's the usual category and segregation. :)

career.
haha, the easiest to talk about. hmmz, what's there to say? still working as usual. perhaps, i need to put in more effort to understand what i'm doing when i'm doing instead of trying to understand whenever something crops up. in a nutshell, have to be more focused even though my heart is screaming "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN". and perhaps, the company should consider revamping their policy of forcing people to take leave. argh. initially, i thought, it's not hard to force myself to do something that i don't enjoy, just do it. but, perhaps, in audit, it's not that easy to sit do something i don't enjoy. oh wells, with the bad economic situation, there's nothing much that i can do. sighs. haha. perhaps, should explore other options really soon (sighs... another headache...)

piano wise, it's the same as usual. just hope that my students taking exams will do well:) as for me, sighs, not practising as much as usual:( damn, i didn't realise that this would happen. with other aspects of my life flourishing, i sort of forgotten about this. don't want to give up though, i just need to reorganise the important things in my life.

family.
i love my family. enough said. :)

health.
doing well. happy! :)

love.
ahz. this topic. haha. not the usual musings that i would have. like being an independent woman, free of emotional entanglements........ etc. i found it:) just want to say, i enjoy u in my life. the little things that u do for me, i will remember and keep it close to my heart. thanks dear :) will do my best to make the effort to keep the relationship strong :)

that's about it... hope to have a good year ahead!

2008-12-23T10:16:00.002+08:00

christmas is just around the corner! looking forward to it! there's the usual family dinner. good food! haha! i like it when the extended family gathers. there's just the warm feeling within me, where we cousins will just talk crap with each other, grown-ups catch-up and harmless teasing. :) this year would be a little different i guess. looking forward to u coming over :)

christmas this year would be special. having plans for once instead of the usual expectations. haha. i guess, it's because i'm spending it with u that makes it so meaningful. it'll be a great night :)

there will be a christmas lunch in the office tomorrow. haha, hope i get to win those wonder prices! :)

work is going on well, in the sense that i'm getting used to it. the routine, the expectations. however, dealing with the senior's expectations is another thing. sighs, audit is really a funny business. last year's and this year's team do really matter. it's so ironical that the processes within the client remains the same, yet, different teams audit to different extents. sometimes, which makes me think it's a lot of bullshit. sighs. and my senior just took me off the engagement that's with her. so it really speaks of my performance. oh wells, what can i do i guess. that's life, learn from my own mistakes. move on.... sighs...

will be catching up with lots of friends! can't wait! haha....

happy one month dear :) appreciate u being there for me. appreciate u always making me laugh. appreciate u for tolerating my idosyncracies. appreciate u for making the extra effort. appreciate u for understanding my schedule. the list goes on. appreciate u just for being there. :)

2008-12-02T10:53:00.002+08:00

i really feel like saying things in a literal sense, but i find myself at a loss for words. because, i'm usually very direct with things. i don't like to beat around the bush. i don't want to hurt people's feelings, yet i'm contradicting myself. because i know that if i'm going to say things as it is, i'm really going to hurt the people who care about me.

looking at things from different perspectives really help. talking about things really help too. maybe it's not anyone else's fault, but just internal conflicts that need to be resolved, internal confusions that needs to be sorted out, internal issues that need to be compartmentalised.

perhaps, all in all, i really need to talk to myself. ask myself, what do i really want? what do i really need? instead of focusing on what i think i need at this point in my life. life happens at different stages. perhaps, what is needed in other people's life may not necessarily be needed in mine at this stage.

i've always thought that i'm the silly one. the kind that will live for it. but i'm not, and that really surprises me. is there something that i'm not seeing? is there something that is not there? i have the answer, yes, i do. it's very clear to me. but can i let go? it is this answer that i have that scares me.

i want things to be fair. even though i know that life is often unfair. my honesty will hurt. i know. but i don't want to lie anymore. i don't. perhaps, all that is lacking, it is the courage to let go.

and perhaps, the solution simply is, to give it more time. time heals all wounds. time can also reassure things.

i want to give it time. i don't want to be someone who says this, and does another. i care too much to brush it away, i care too much to leave it alone. if i say i don't know what i feel, i'll be lying, because i do.

and at the end of the day, i don't even know why i'm blogging about this. perhaps, just take things with a pinch of salt.

2008-11-23T22:57:00.002+08:00

reading my last blog entry. many things have changed. how time flies.... haha...

where do i start?

i'm happy that u are so patient with me. happy when i'm with u. happy when u make me laugh. happy that u care for me.

i'm told to enjoy it while it lasts. :)

i am. i keep smiling. and that's a good thing.

yes, i'm afraid, but i'm not alone....

u turned back for me. that is enough. u care enough to turn back. i appreciate it very much. thank you for waiting.

i'm happy :)

2008-11-07T19:25:00.002+08:00

i have my answer. i see alot of myself in u. and the more u try to say stupid things, the issue is going to get darker than it already is. sighs, why are guys so stupid at times. the more that u try to think that it is not, the more u will give thought to it. so why can't people just avoid the whole issue?

haha, i thought that i was the foolish one. so my friends were right, i was wrong. and when i was wrong, i tend to think too much about things. and even if i think too much, i guess, i need to, so that i can protect myself.

pushing people away. that's what i've done best. done that many times, and so far, none has stayed with me. i guess, it's an inate nature in me to push people away. i guess, the one that stays will be the one. and perhaps, it all boils down to me, having to make the effort to adapt to new things. i will not try anymore. i'm very tired, playing the guessing game. perhaps, i can set my mind at ease right now. irritating.

and its very childish to try and convey msg through msn. guys. they are just stupid.

oh wells, i'm bias and a bitch. live with it.

2008-11-06T10:16:00.002+08:00

it's raining these few days... sighs... feeling a tad bit cold in the office. some musings on my part i guess. i'm not experiencing the joy that i suppose i should have. i think i'm really destined to be alone. don't really like the idea of someone knowing lots of stuff about me, i guess, perhaps need some getting used to? and i don't even know if i want it?

no matter what others say, i guess, ultimately, its what i feel. i think its quite clear on my part. i don't want any emotional attachments right now. as for sending out the wrong signals? well, i don't see any problems in that. haha. i'm not the one who is initiating everything.

and no matter how similar u want us to be, there are many differences. i think for me, it's basically east vs west. i identify that right away, and usually, most guys fail this test. so, nothing much to say, except that, u are a really nice person. am i confused? not really. perhaps, i need to practise how to reject in a nice way.

just had a chat with rebecca. perhaps, i guess, i'm just someone who doesn't appreciate things. i like being alone. hate committments. haha, perhaps that's just the answer to everything. oh wells.

2008-11-05T10:57:00.002+08:00

damn the office internet. it's so slow!! i can't check the elections' results. aargh! haha, i'm even more excited about it than my own elections. oh wells, u know the drill.

ps, so sorry that we couldn't meet yesterday. hope that u enjoy your taiwan trip. a much needed trip, i believe, which will rejuvenate u... take care and have fun!!

managed to went for a jog yesterday. sighs, getting fatter day by day! aargh! i hate staying in office and getting fat, really wonder how people keep fit. go for a run after work? that works if one is not feeling too tired about it. sighs...

the train ride to work in the morning is aargh!! i can't understand why some people like to squeeze inside the train when there's inadequate space!! i don't wanna touch u even if u want to. yucks.... irritating! and the most amazing thing, i was early for once in the office!! haha... was so shocked to see an empty office and empty lift. think i shall try to achieve this amazing feat once more tomorrow and enjoy my breakfast! :)

engaging in childish antics, but i can't stop myself. no excuses that i can give myself about it, but, oh wells, whatever! hahahaa...

and if u want to come and initiate talking to me, u should. because i think u know that i will approach u if u don't do anything about it. because, i'm dead t0wards it already. so it depends on u, whether u care enough. but apparently, most guys don't. so that's it i guess.

tuas, here i come next week... sighs!

2008-11-04T14:11:00.003+08:00

today is US election day. Hope that Obama wins! McCain reminds me of the old geezers that had been running the US. It's time for some changes to be made! Especially to the foreign policy. Wish that there would be more peace around the world. Wishful thinking? Definitely. lesser fighting would be welcomed though...

caught HSM awhile ago. wow, being young is definitely something that i miss. doing stupid things like falling in love, having little worries, and simply just having fun thinking that the whole world is laid out for u. oh manz, i miss that feeling.... sighs, time can't go back, and i have to start thinking of grown-up things. it's irritating, because, some of the stuff, i can do without thinking. like paying my bills, planning my future career path and of course, finding a life partner.

right now, planning my future career path is at the top of my list. i know what i want, yet, i'm afraid to persue it. damn it, why must i be so tied down by these things, like, missing my family, being ostracised by a new environment, adapting to a new country, what job can i find overseas. but these are things that people get used to it over time. just hope that i have the courage to step out and plan it. perhaps, when things are in motion, i'll be less likely to be undecided and have the courage to step forward. another 6 months, and i'll start looking. damn the less promising economy now. be turning 23 soon. not getting any younger but older, and if i don't start planning, i'll be 30 soon, going nowhere near to fulfilling my dreams.

and my piano career, sighs, let's not talk about it, even though it's on my mind all the time. perhaps, i should just shelve if temporaily for 5 years. sighs. i don't want to give it up!!!

my bills --- it's going well, hope to pay it off soon!!

sighs, i'm tired about talking about this issue, but it seems like the easiest things to talk to your colleagues about, other than work. oh wells. since i have the intention to talk about it, here goes. i have always wondered why do people who are similar to me, doesn't really appeal to me. in work, in love. in work, i find people who are similar to me in behaviour and personality, i can't bear to speak to them. oops. haha, perhaps, i should start disliking myself? but NO! i love myself too much...! it's the same for anyone, and that makes me wonder, how do people find love? i can't possibly find someone that's like the total opposite from me? and i do enjoy talking to u, doing stuff together, but somehow, it's just wow for me and not WOOHOO!! YEAH MANZ! DAMN IT FEELS SO GOOD! at this point in time, it's not easy to relate to another person. and on an intellectual i have not find someone of the opposite sex who can yet. haha. i sound like i think of myself too high on a level. but yes, i do like people who have brains instead of brains full of themselves. and yes, many are like that.

still the same old conclusion, see how it goes. and does that equals to sending out the wrong signals? somehow, i'm past caring about that. even though i think i hurt someone before, but oh wells, he brought it on himself. haha, yes, i'm evil, but if i'm not, i'll hurt myself. and why should i?

tired. of. work. but its life, i just need to get used to it. sighs....

2008-10-30T10:33:00.002+08:00

the previous engagement ended yesterday. lesson learnt: go home when u have nothing to do. don't even bother waiting for anyone. go home early whenever u can.

sighs, i hate it when the senior asks if i have anything on. i'm like, can't i go home to have dinner? there's nothing for me to do. why should i stay. aargh! next time, learn, have the guts to just take off.

dnd is on saturday. think i shall try to look forward to the booze, otherwise, there's nothing for me to look forward to. i hate the politics involved in the committee. simply, it's full of shitheads trying to gain recognition. do what u want guys, but don't expect the rest to follow. aargh, sux.

being forced to take leave tomorrow. sighs, it's so stupid. it ain't our fault that we were efficent in the fieldwork. forced to take leave because of that? damn. i hate it when the company is so structured that they can't be flexible enough to tolerate efficiency. and since when is efficiency a bad thing. damn.

and i realise, i really hate taking orders from people. i knew it before, but working has reinforced it. sighs, why oh why are humans such social creatures. being at home for too long, i will feel like not interacting with people. and i've mastered the art of ignoring people that i don't like to a certain extent, so, i hate having to be nice to everyone at work, when, i probably feel like ignoring them under other circumstances. damn, politics.

sighs, when will my dream be fufilled?? sighs. hate life like this.

2008-10-17T13:25:00.003+08:00

i don't know whether to hate or love my senior. i can understand why she needs help. but i hate it when she gives me tasks that is under her jurisdiction. damn. can't even slack before my next job. aargh. yes, i should be glad that i can learn more since i'm helping her. but, i don't see the point in me doing something that i don't have all the knowledge for it. sighs. and i'm just praying that the job next week doesn't require OTs. sick and tired of it!

met up with geraldine on wednesday. what she said definitely makes sense. if i want to quit, i better quit now than fight with the next batch of fresh graduates. sighs, what do i really want to do with my life? and if i don't want to stay here, what would i do when i'm overseas? perhaps, now, i should just equip myself with the necessary skills first. in another environment, perhaps, the hours are not that long, i can bear it more.

went with j and sh to nus to catch a piano duel. wow. wow. wow. they were really great! makes me miss my piano even more. haven't been practising enough. keep going out!!! haha.... i have to sacrifice going out i guess. miss having my lessons with ms goh :(

feel like talking about u to others. but something is holding me back, which is very unusual. i guess, it's the same issue again. once bitten twice shy. haha. many of your ideas and thoughts resound with mine. haha, makes me wonder, are we too similar? oh wells, time would tell.

i guess, the strong barrier that i have isn't easy to break down. almost did recently, but it didn't turn out the way i expected. oh wells, that's life. haha. but something good came out of it. in the process of trying not to be bias, sterotyping a certain gender in a way. it's difficult not to, but i shall follow my heart for once, be less hard on u and me, and see how it goes. using the mind is easy, but dealing with the heart, that's when the whole ball game changes.

catching a movie later! hope that i don't fall asleep! haha, slept too late last night! asking my heart: why are u waiting again? it makes u happy? asking my mind: i feel sleepy, i so need to sleep. haha, guess what, the heart wins again.

gonna try to run this week.... ps!!! marathon!

2008-10-14T11:08:00.002+08:00

so i'm back in the office after my leave. sighs, back to work again. seems like a long time since i've been back to the office. the feeling is almost surreal. nobody really cares about me in the office. i feel like running away, but, what am i going to feed on? it's been 3 months since i've started work, and i still can't get used to it. with the financial crisis around me, i sound so complacent. anyway, since when have i been worried about anything that has remotely been related to responsibility? perhaps, most of the time... haha. i must sound really contradictory. oh wells, conclusion is still the same. stick with it, see how it goes, blah blah blah...

back to a more uplifting topic! my leave!!!

thursday
went swimming and movie with my twin sis. mama mia was splendid! the flow wasn't well-executed, but i had a great time swaying to the music! went back home for dinner! haven't had dinner at home since a long long time :)

friday
went PS to catch another movie... EAGLE EYE! it was a nice thriller. funny! don't ask me why, i seem to always laugh at the action movies. an old concept told in an interesting and touching way. had lunch at manhattan fish market with twin sis and ana! wow, the life of an air stewardess is really different. i'm so jealous at the places that she has travelled to! wanted to get piano books for students. but, yamaha is seriously out-of-stocked. aargh, irritating. oh wells...
one thing: no matter how hard u try to avoid meeting someone, it's somehow in God's plan that u are to meet that person. think the decision that i've made is a good one, because, i just refuse to get sucked into silly games any more. once bitten twice shy. want an apt saying.

saturday
jogging... i'm so dead ps. our marathon is coming, need to jog more!!!

sunday
went to dye my hair. it's a shocking red. yes, i know. sighs, that wasn't the colour that the saloon show me. so dead. hope the colour drops soon. uugh. red.
anyway, my uncle is back from bangkok with baby cousin and arthur! she's so lovely.... :) and arthur, simply adorable.... miss him lots when i'm back from europe! hope that he comes back soon. sighs... first time in my life, i was able to get along so well with a kid that is below 4. hahaha :)

monday
went to catch another movie. a bimbo one. the house bunny. it was a lot of fun. brainless fun that is. haha. went to play badminton after that, and now, my whole body is aching! literally, the whole body. must be the shock of doing so many sports these few days. sighs, miss playing sports. hope that i get to go swimming this week! or jogging... haha....

i had a great time yesterday. on top of the fact that i was winning. oops! i think it might just be possible. i don't know. haven't had a friendship that is just based on getting to know one another without circumstances such as sch, exams, competiton. however, i'm not so good with meeting expectations, i'll feel like running away once people start to talk to me very often. once bitten twice shy. can't make the same mistake again. but, it's just that, i don't know what to expect. i'm a little surprised at myself that i agreed to meet u. haha, we don't really know each other i guess. getting to know u was fun, and, well, let's just see. i like this pace. whatever the outcome, u are a nice guy, so great to know u!

as for other stuff that we talked about... haha, i guess, i like to take it slow :)

2008-10-08T10:55:00.002+08:00

sometimes, things just happen without me expecting it. the consequences, are not that hard to grapple with, it's just, a hindrance that is unnecessary. i just wish that, for once, they would understand us. not through their eyes, but our eyes. we have never been made to feel wanted at home, so, why would we do everything that u asked of us willingly? u've made your own bed, now, lie on it. don't judge our reactions through your authoritative eyes. yes, u can be mad at me, u are my father after all, and i can't control your emotions. but what makes u think that i'm gonna allow u to rant at me unfairly. u can choose to say something, so can i. it's expected that i don't agree with u, and i'm very straightfoward, i say the truth, and if u can't face up to it, that's your own problem, not mine. don't start a quarrel with me and expect me to listen to u. u can't accept the fact that i'm an adult, then that's your problem not mine.

i don't want to be rude to u. but at the hour of midnight, when i was feeling very sleepy, with some chores to do, and having the thought that i have to wake up at 615am the next day, i was, not in a good mood. and following the incident on sunday, don't expect me to listen to your ranting. why must u rant when u come home everytime? i work longer hours than u, and i don't complain. u are the who is complaining, i'm just stating facts.

i'm really tired. u want to chase me out of the house, i want to get out too. but can u accept it? i feel trapped, in a place that i don't feel wanted. u know, i just don't want to hear anymore rantings. give and take. i will not be rude to u, if u just stop ranting u know. peace and quiet when i reach home after 11pm. stop ranting yar?

i sound calm now. yes i am. i will never forget a father who doesn't turn up at my convocation. i will never forget a father who says he doesn't want to take part in my grad photo.

i will also remember a father who is at my operation 3 years ago, a father who stayed with me throughout my stay in hospital, a father who held my hand at that time, telling me to be brave. i will remember a father who read books to me when i was young.

why are things so different now? did he not grow up when we did? or did we not show enough understanding towards him?

accept it? be nice to him? but he'll never change u see? we have changed, but he never will. i want the old father back. i don't think i will get it. we compromise, but he never did.

2008-10-07T15:08:00.002+08:00

u know that things don't really work for u when:

1. you keep snapping at people even though there's no real need to.
2. you pretend to be nice to people even though u just feel like telling them "fuck off"
3. you just want to sleep yet you are caught between wanting to do your gaming and having to wake up early for work the next day.
4. you are just sick of facing the same damn thing everyday and knowing that u have to face the same damn thing for the next 3 years or so.

sighs. i just want my life back. but, if i have a life, i have no moolahs. sighs. what a simple logic, yet so difficult to grasp. because the mind is willing to work, the heart yearns for another thing. sighs. very tired. very unmotivated.

back to the same thing. i know what i want, yet, i'm facing external pressures to not get what i want. damn.

see, i can just keep complaining about this issue and not do anything about it. and i pray that i can last for 3 years. perhaps, i should seriously consider being a teacher, since, it's still pretty much schooling hours.

i need the money, money, money. i have to constantly remind myself why am i here. money, money, money. i want to travel so bad.... i need money, money, money.

it's interesting how the topics at work remain pretty much the few usual boring ones. love, travel, food and money. oh wells, if i really want to discuss something intellectual, i probably surf the net most of the time and have an internal debate within my brain. yes, things are boring. that's why, it's amazing how i can stay awake. hahaha. perhaps, right now, i should find another job first, so i can quit and still have a life.

sighs. looking forward to my LEAVE!!!

2008-09-30T21:26:00.006+08:00

everytime when i have the mood to blog, i would be distracted by games. oh why? haha, just cos i have not played for a long time. last week was my first offical assignment, and boy was it a tough first week. sighs, i never imagine that i would work till so late for my first assignment. 2 days till 10pm and 2 days till midnight!! it was an experience that i guess would be repeated really soon. and i even came to work on a sunday. sighs. the adrenalin rush at first was soon replaced by tiredness and me missing my bed terribly. :(

sighs, hate meeting datelines, even though there was nothing much to meet. and i get bored so easily. sighs, can't really see myself going through the same audit process over and over again. praying that i can last till i finish paying my debt!! sighs.

this 2 weeks have been really crazy. working till midnight almost everyday is no fun at all. sighs, so tiring! i can't even think properly. sighs, really hope that i have the motivation to last till it ends :( this week is especially tiring... however, i rather enjoy it....

why?! cos there's a PH! went for teacher's gathering in the morning :) it's good to catch up once in a while. though, i was too tired to want to mingle :( went shopping after that! i have to stop spending! have been buying too many clothes.... must stop! especially online spreeing! went to celebrate dad's bday after that at this wonderful place of crabs! what a delicious spread... :)

i will stop having negative thoughts towards u, and it worked! i just don't want to feel anything towards u. i'm sick and tired of trying to get worked up whenever we conversed. sick of your childish antics. sick of u trying to show-off. try it, it will work.... just don't feel anything towards u...

working and being tired keeps my mind off things. i guess, whatever that i have done, work came at the right time. and whatever that is happening now, if it does, i'll see how it goes, though, i have not much fate in this kind of things...

must start running, swimming. basically exercising! and read the newspapers. miss out on so many exciting things! must catch up soon!

2008-09-15T09:17:00.002+08:00

i have played a game that i knew i would never win. yet, i still continued with it. oh wells, lesson learnt. do not play with fire, or u end up getting burnt. the degree of my burns are not that serious, but, i do not wish to dwell on it any longer.

perhaps, i'm just someone, who doesn't like people to make use of me. yes, who likes to be made used of? my point is, if i don't get your intentions, i rather choose to go.

i went to church yesterday. and i was so stupid. all the time, i thought i was on the right path. my focused path. even when i veered off track so much, i failed to notice. but, i'm back now. with God, who keeps me safe and secure. that's all i need right now. hopefully, i'll get to go to church regularly, and keep nonsense out of my life.

my parents came back yesterday! ah, back to my life of rules and regulations. last week, i was busy doing chores. it reinforce my belief of hiring help in future. hate doing chores.

hope to meet my friends soon. i miss u ps.... catch up soon alright? :) haha, we need to train for the marathon!!!

2008-09-06T17:33:00.002+08:00

have the day off for piano today. what a lucky breather :) however, went back for some makeup lessons. students have exams again soon. seems like i don't really have a down period. haha, could do with the down period, so i don't have to be constantly on alert for my students...! oh wells...

was having flu in the morning. or rather, thought was having my usual sinus.... was having a drippy nose throughout the train ride. i must have looked a sight! really couldn't be bothered about it. was having trouble keeping my puffy eyes open. and my nose was really terribly drippy when teaching my students. sigh, feel quite bad. hope i didn't pass anything to them. guess what, i have a full-blown fever right now. :( have not been so sick for a long time, sighs, forgotten how weak one can be. hope that the sickness persists till monday so i can go and get MC. hahaha.... ok, that's really terrible of me. sighs. spoilt my plans of swimming and jogging. damn.

went for jc class outing yesterday. think the last time that i saw them was 2 years ago. it's really a different kind of interaction between them and the uni ppl. for once, i've forgotten how english they are. haha. and i have a tendency to speak to RV ppl in mandarin. oops. it's nice, but i was too tired to really interact much. it's nice to just observe ppl though. guys will always be guys. gals, quiet ones are still quiet. haha. some changes though. glad i went though... had a chance to drink... :) wonder, did the late nights caused me to be sick.... haha...

and gals, will always muse about romantic developments. :) interesting to see how things go.

ok, i need to rest....

2008-09-03T08:57:00.002+08:00

damn. so far, you are the only guy who can make me cry almost instantly. i wonder, why am i so affected by you. perhaps, the guilt trip works pretty well. i hate it, when you choose not to understand me, but, enforce your own ideals and beliefs on me. it's just so irritating and pointless. why can't u just understand that things don't always have to go your way. damn it.

i miss my piano so bad. didn't really want to leave it once i started practising yesterday. i hate myself for wanting to cry because i can no longer do the things i want to do. why is it so hard just to do the things that i really want to do. i hate being conformed to social pressures. and why is it that i know what i want yet i don't go about getting it. it's because, i lack the so-called damn thing - courage.

why can i be so fearless at times, yet when it comes to my life, i just lack the courage to pursue what i want. sometimes, i wonder, is all this strong persona just a fake front. i know ppl think i'm fake, but, i don't really want to bother about it. i've always wondered why am i like that. the answer that i came up with, perhaps, i just don't really like ppl to see my real self. which brings down to another topic, are there many things to hide? i don't know. just that, i've been so used to this part of me that i don't think i can change myself. the thing is, i just don't like to have to pretend so much when i don't at comfortable environments and places. perhaps, i just need to get used to this whole damn office thing.

seems like many things attributed to my breakdown yesterday. have not cried for a long time, and, sighs, i think, i really miss my piano. sighs.

2008-08-28T09:09:00.002+08:00

27/8/08
finally had a chance to blog. this week has been a busy one. with my students exams coming up, wow, don't really have a chance to breathe. just hope that all of them pass with flying colours! :)

managed to catch up with hm, hq and wx yesterday... we had dinner at a french restaurant... the food is rather different.... then we had really nice ice cream at the creamery...! teh tarik ice cream... superb!! really miss talking to them. it seems like nowadays, all the topics revolved around finding a partner.

wanted to blog initially on that day. haha, at work, nonetheless, i was distracted by internet surfing... work is boring now. everyone tells me to enjoy it while i can. but, i can't really do the stuff that i want to do in co, so, doesn't really make a difference. but, i realise, online msn can be really addictive... haha... so if u do see me online during office hours, really, come talk to me, instant replied almost guranteed :)

many surprises this week. sometimes, it's the little things that catch u offguard that makes life so much sweeter. :) wondering why am i so stupid sometimes. doing the things that i don't like, yet, the things that i like, i don't indulge in it enough. aargh! i used to enjoy using the computer, even for the whole day. now, it's like, i've gotten my wish finally. but, haha, i rather rest my eyes these days....

my students are taking exams today. wishing them all the best! hopefully, all of them will give me the result that i want them to have :)

just gotten the news from my team mate that my engagement is postponed to 2 weeks later. more time for slacking in the office. aargh. i just can't stand doing nothing. i rather go running, swimming, movies... many many things... since i've more free time, i should get my butt down to some serious piano practising and also, exercising! yes, dear ps, let's run the marathon by then at full speed and energy and most important of all, stamina!

was just talking to this guy fren of mine. so, guys do categorise girls into different categories, ie, sweet-looking, demure-looking, independent, etc... so, that's really no different from us. haha. and, it's not a surprise that most guys are looking for sweet-looking, motherly kinds. expectations, why are they just so predictable. haha. perhaps, all singaporean guys have a common trait, predictability. or does that apply to all? perhaps, in their dictionary, the goal that they have in finding a partner is one that can be a mother to their children. haha.

sighs, meaningless life....

2008-08-23T22:54:00.004+08:00

i heard a piece of stunning news today. my piano student, of 11 years old, has a girlfriend for a year. i'm shocked, seriously... it really brought me some new insights of how the young are viewing relationships. i thought of my childhood(not so long ago! haha), it was all so innocent... everyone's basically my friend. of course, there are all those teasing. and he even showed me her gf's pic on his handphone. my oh my.... i thought he was trying to impress me, but, his sister looked so serious. well, there's something new to discover everyday...

i've honestly underestimated the impact of my actions. i thought it would not affect me that much, but, the results showed otherwise. erasing someone from your life doesn't take much. deleting someone from your handphone list, msn list, friendster list, facebook listing, etc. pretending that the person doesn't exist, simply, doesn't take much. but, the memories will always come back whenever u are at a place that means alot to you. those memories, just refuse to go away. time will make them go away, and by then, i hope that i will think of u less often.

my heart feels heavy nowadays. i know the reason why. but i must stick to what i've started with. what can i do? i want to stop playing, no point in misleading you and me. sighs...

the piano exams are arriving. can't wait for it to be over...! hope that all my students pass. i have some doubts, but being a teacher, i can only hope and pray for the best :)

been complaining much about ppl recently. returning back to a not-so-pleasant me in the past. i will try to control, but sometimes, ppl do things to irritate me, and, i just can't help but let out steam. aargh! and, also, i want to improve myself, most of all, feel some motivation to work hard instead of thinking of slacking all the time. yay! no engagements for 2 weeks, will be able to be let off early! i must enjoy these 2 weeks. really.

hope to catch up with my sisters, friends. :)

相信 - 孙燕姿

突然觉得我只是一个人
有点孤单浅浅的忧郁
我不知道明天会不会很美丽
虽然今天天很蓝而云很白风很凉
今天日记空白没有关系不必每件事情都在意
不想工作不想困扰自己不必刻意想你
该是我的总会来就算挑战我不走开
一点点你的微笑已经让我觉得温暖
我还不懂坚持正好让我学会去爱
我曾经看见困难变得胆小不够勇敢
但还是要相信相信感觉相信简单
有一天等我懂得现实也许更灰心
至少现在让我去相信哦
我还是会相信相信感觉相信简单

2008-08-21T13:19:00.002+08:00

was returning home these days, i felt very old suddenly. i don't know why, but the feeling just overcame me, making me think, is this what i'm going to feel from now on? neverending work responsibilities, neverending demands, neverending obligations. sometimes, i just wish i possess the courage to let my emotions show, to present what i really feel. but, being social creatures, we usually just control everything.

good things are coming by next week. gonna meet up with my sec sch frens! can't wait... :)

so many things that i want to do, yet, simply, there's no time. i will even want to sleep more instead of doing fun things. damn, i'm really getting old.

some things need to be done. perhaps, after all, i'm really too practical for my own good. after interaction with colleagues my batch, i realise that all of us are really practical. the degree of it, varies of course, but we all are. so being practical beings, and being subjected to social judgement, i choose to do things that need to be done. because, i think, u don't know what u want. the noble me wants to think that i'm doing it for your own good. partly, but, for selfish reasons, i think, all things come to an end. the impact on me, i don't know yet, but, simply, it'll be good for u.

i seldom care about what people think about me. in the personal sense. and u are no exception. when i care, which only happens once so far, it probably means something more.

this week, is quite eventful for me. many things happen, yet, luckily, i was able to discard it aside. i don't really want to think about it.

back to boring training. perhaps, when there's more time, i'll be able to get away from my tv and bed to use the com. :)

2008-08-17T00:36:00.002+08:00

feeling tired during the weekend, guess that i must sleep everyday... sighs... working really makes me wonder, where do i find the time to enjoy life.... there's so many things that i want to do, yet, i can't seem to find the time to complete it.

finally! managed to get to the arcade.... haha, really miss it. though, the feeling is different, in a different kind of situation. somehow, the feeling of abandonment is gone. sighs, don't think i will ever feel that kind of freedom again.

welcome to the working adult world. suddenly, i see a lot of different sides to ppl. sometimes, i do wonder, which is the real side to a person. but then, the naive me will always want to see the better side of a person. so, if i do complain about it in future, remind me again, why am i just so easily trusting of what others say at face value. perhaps, just a part of me that doesn't want to grow up yet. sighs.

and i wonder, why do ppl always think too much and see too deep in certain things. when actually, it meant nothing. on saying that, i should stop playing. can't help it though. certain measures that i can take, yet, i can't stop myself. i know i'm being very selfish and bad, but, just can't help it! i'm bored, i think??

and it's funny how serious ppl can or cannot take the dating game. once again, welcome to the world of dating. interesting developments are yet to come or not. we shall see... :)

monday blues are just around the corner :(

2008-08-13T21:27:00.002+08:00

training is alright for now. feeling the heat though, when the trainers played out reel-life senarios for us to react. it was quite stressful, as i don't really know how to behave and ask the right questions. it reminded me about school for a while. sighs, it's really difficult to walk out from one competitive environment to another. however, i guess, the competition faced is of a different kind now. i have never thought of outshining anyone, so, yeah, kind of a wrong environment for me i guess. however, i do want to achieve my best in anything i do, so that's not too bad i guess. just don't want to do the things i'm forced to forever.

the challenge for me right now is to juggle work, piano teaching, learning and practising. it ain't as hard as i thought. it just is much harder. sighs, i really miss my piano, but, there's nothing i can do. hearing horror stories of how late we have to work really sends shivers down my spine. everything is within expectations of course, but, i like to thing that things are not as tough as i thought. i'll just have to take each step as it goes. but, i'm really prepared for a no life siim ann for at least 3 years. sighs, can u imagine? i don't even have time to catch a movie! aargh...

have u ever wondered what it's like to fall for someone who is attached. haha, it's painful for sure. so, i do have to learn from my lesson, and remind myself, don't feel and do things on impulse. it'll come back to haunt me for sure. haha.... dear, u don't have time anyway :P

was asking my training colleagues today, will they ever date someone who smokes? all of them gave a vehement NO! wasn't that surprised. but was rather taken aback when one of them ask me why did i ask that question.... haha... then i followed up with, what if the person quit for u? some said no, and some said, then we'll see.... when i was asked in turn, i said, well, i can consider, cos it's rather sweet.

sighs, must study for the assessment on friday. hope i pass well...

2008-08-08T23:21:00.002+08:00

my voice sounds real sexy. haha. it's from the redbox singing for about 7 hours. it was fun, hearing the "old" guys sing. laughing along with the gals... wonder when will the next opportunity come where we just basically have crazy fun.

how was training? the positive me started to feel a little enthusiastic when i arrived at the airport. however, there's not much fun in seeing the people that i have seen for the past 3 years. i mean, the feelings are the same, the expectations don't really differ, sighs, what's new? i start to ask myself...

training is boring. i mean, i rather learn on the job. but being a big company, they probably think the seniors have no time. sighs, i hope everything went in even though i was trying so hard not to sleep. the assessment next week, hopefully it's not too difficult. sighs.

i keep sighing. i don't know if my expectations are too high. i find the people boring. to a certain extent, all i keep hearing is food food and more food. they are nice, no doubt, just.... sighs.... perhaps, i really do expect too much. anyway, not really thinking too much, just live each day as it comes. and hope that i do not offend anyone, and if i do, i don't really want to care anymore. and to u, perhaps, find your own style and stop copying mine in your manner of speaking. its very irritating. i don't mind u talking negative stuff about me, just find your style alright.... damn annoying.

it's very true how work takes your mind off things. training makes me forget about my own problems for a while. which is good, i need to forget about unhappy stuff, even for a while.

sighs, i wonder, if i have the courage to pursue my own dream. it seems like i'm trapped and i can't get out of my own melodramatic mood right now, or rather, these few days. sighs.

and i want to go to the arcade.

2008-08-02T22:56:00.002+08:00

the last day of freedom is definitely a bittersweet one. wondering what should i do? but there's still lots of packing to be done. i feel really reluctant to pack my luggage. perhaps, once it's packed, everything is set and done, and i cannot escape anymore. it's really easy to escape, running away from reality. these few days have been great ones! been thinking how sucky work is definitely helps. i made myself really abhor the idea of working. but then, the truth is, i need to work. i need the moolahs. sighs. perhaps, that's really a strong motivation. many debts to clear :(

a little excited at what the next week will bring, in the sense that, i really thrive on a suitable environment. however, i have my doubts on my working environment, however, i have a tendency to see the good in everything, so, i guess, this is no different. i hate the idea of wallowing in self-pity, though trying hard to see the positive side in everything is like self-deluding, at least, it's better than living in misery everyday. sighs....

sighs. i'm really lousy at rejecting people. my heart softens easily once a person starts to tug at my heart strings. have to resolve it soon :( shouldn't make life difficult for myself....

sighs, keep thinking of playing at the arcade. :( i should grow up soon i guess. arcade is such a good place for escapism. killing those zombies really makes my day. anyone who is keen to go, please ask me! haha.... well, at least something to look forward to my mundane life.

guess the first thing that i will miss once i'm 0verseas is my piano. can't wait to be back to feel the ivory keys beneath my fingers once again :) sighs. can't wait to come back soon :(

keep sighing. sighs. praying for a better next week. i really should thinking so much about things. even though i can cancel everything out relatively easy, i shouldn't even go to that extent of making myself miserable :( sighs.

and i wish simply, don't hide things from me. sighs.

2008-07-31T23:18:00.011+08:00

had a lovely day with my grandma and sister when we went to the flower exhibition at suntec city! many flowers.... haha.... one of my favourite things in the world... i just love seeing flowers... it got a little tiring at the end, my legs were absolutely killing me!! nevertheless, it was a nice day :)

few days left to freedom... sighs.... work is starting soon... sighs... the thought of meeting new people is kind of exciting, but, why oh why, am i still sighing... sighs....

i'm addicted to playing arcade games! oh my.... at this age and time.... haha....

some pictures at the exhibition!

2008-07-28T22:52:00.006+08:00

it took me half a day to figure out what u were driving at last night. i must be really dense or the recent inactivity on my brain has really caused me to be incapable of thinking properly. haha. no matter what, nothing is gonna make me change my stance or mind on what i feel right now. the protective layer i had successfully wrapped around myself for the past year ain't gonna melt away just because what u said make sense. sometimes, even the most rational and logical response warrants illogical and irrational thoughts just so to keep out irritating thoughts and unnecessary heartaches.

i've finally figured out what i feel for u. it is a huge sense of relief because i've been too confused by recent going-ons that my judgement has been clouded. i think it's time that i face up to reality instead of trying to hold on to the unthinkable. it is too selfish that the "whatever" side of me can't even compromise with it. oh wells, another issue closed. :)

it's a tiring day today. went swimming and arcade! haha, didn't realise that at this ripe old age i can still enjoy arcade games. perhaps, it's all because of my parents who didn't believe in bringing us to the arcade to play when we were young! haha, trying to find my childhood now.

went prawning yesterday. didn't had much luck in catching one :( oh wells, prawning is not really for me, since, i don't really have much patience for doing nothing.... :)

final week of freedom. gonna try to enjoy it, in spite of the anticipation of work next week :(

some pictures from my convocation!

lovely rose from my sis :)

mom and sis:)

best friends of all time! hm and hq!

desmond! lovely surprise to see u there!

unclelemon!
oon tang! pri sch fren!! it's a long long time :)

group mates of the year!

5 lovely gals :)

hat throwing! finally!

peishan:)

eight of us.mag:)

2008-07-25T22:22:00.002+08:00

To Be With You - Mr Big.

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

one of my favourite song of all time :) the words are so simple, yet, went right through to a person. no matter what happens, one is not alone. there will always be someone to walk the journey with you, either good or bad ones. why cry for the one u lost? instead, be glad that the one you lost has not destroyed u yet, because, he made u stronger for the next one :)

i do not know you. yet, i feel for you. i have been on your side through this whole mess. girl power rules. been through, done that. no guy is worth your tears. the tears will fall, but they will stop one day. rejoice when that day comes. meanwhile, go through life knowing that u have so much more than him to live for. no matter what u have done, it's all in the past. let go. it's hard, who says giving up someone is easy? but it can be done. if he loves u, he will come back. if he's not trying, it shows alot, and u should not bother anymore.

heartfelt words from someone who is always supportive of guys who treat gals badly :)

no matter how hard i try to think that i'm not a substitute, i can't. perhaps, that's not your intention, but that's how i infer. oh wells, be there and done that. no one can make me something i'm not. i've started this game, and i can stop. it's been fun, but, perhaps, i'm just bored. yes, i'm hard-hearted. because,

1. guys lie to u all the time. they can't be trusted.

2. they hide things from u and expect you to be there for them all the time.

3. since guys can do it, so can i.

4. guys find substitute, just to allay their insecurities. why should u be the one to be the substitute?

5. at the end of the day, guys will disappear once their confidence have been built up by u.

6. screw guys.

2008-07-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

F.I.R - 我们的爱

回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时的你说　要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头

从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起　我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再　不再哭泣

我们的爱　过了就不再回来
直到现在　我还默默的等待

我们的爱　我明白　已变成你的负担
只是永远　我都放不开　
最后的温暖　你给的温暖

不要再问你是否爱我　现在我想要自由天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界　不再寂寞

was listening to this song while having my daily walk. it reminded me of the MV i saw recently when i was at kbox. it was very touching. the love between two, once lost, will never come back. it left one party waiting silently for something that never can be. in the MV, it was about life and death. on a lighter note, ain't that true about most couples. the love lost, amidst anger and betrayal, will never be forgiven, unless one can overlook the mistakes of the other. this kind of love is truly noble and is what i called real love. however, it is only often seen in movies. in reality, true love only occurs when one go through sickness with their loved ones. have witnessed some of these moments, and it is truly unforgettable and heart-wrenching.

2008-07-22T21:19:00.002+08:00

really tired today... felt very drained.... today is convocation day, finally, the day where i can wear the "four-sided" hat and feel proud of myself. somehow, i'm rather neutral about it. my spirits were lifted mildly when i went to cut my hair, iron my clothes, getting ready. the feeling of rejoice only hit me when i saw hm and hq, where we really took funny pics... haha, and saw some familiar faces which lighted up my day....

all in all, thoughts of finally being able to wear the hat.

i don't know, simply. it signifies another phase of my life. my career. if only i'm walking into a path where i know i'll be happy, probably, i feel more alive by it. nothing is certain, what makes me think that this current path i've chosen will not make me happy? because, i guess, people makes a big difference. i was just looking back into my university life, wondering what happy memories i have, and it took me quite a while to conjure up a satisfying picture. was i asking to much? or have i not grown up to accept the nasty of reality? perhaps, from all the things i think that makes me unhappy, my expectations were too high, those things doesn't make me unhappy, i was looking for far too much?

but then, it didn't really take much for me to answer what makes my uni life so memorable. the people i meet, definitely. internship was a very fun and happy time for me. meeting down-to-earth people, though very little, makes me feel as though all is not lost in the process of growing up and acknowledging realities of life.

seeing different people today brings back different memories and thoughts. primary sch friends, sec sch friends, jc friends and uni friends. some ppl come back with different status. oh wells, seeing more couples does make me feel a little lonely. and this also signifies acknowledging that things are gonna change drastically soon. i really feel old. oh wells, everything is in God's hands.

sometimes i wonder, what others really think of me. have not been thinking about that in a long time. the introvert me will always be taken over in social events. i've become very bubbly and cheerful. not that it's bad, sometimes, people will think u are being fake by over-reacting. saw it in an episode of ANTM cycle 10. thinking about it, it's gonna be more tiring when working. caring so much about how others see me, makes life seems so mundane and meaningless. living for others. ugh....

anyway, happy bday mom! hope u like the fish & co dinner!

gonna start work in 2 weeks :( hope that the overtly pessimistic me has been thinking too much negative thoughts. things will always turn out for the better!

post pics after sis is done....!

2008-07-22T00:37:00.002+08:00

Try it! It's eerily true...

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2008-07-20T16:25:00.004+08:00

dear ps! miss u sorely.... wishing you all the best in mfa... let me know when u are out of work and we'll chill before all the whirlwind of school and work gets in the way... and also, don't think too much alright... life's good for you right now and i love to hear from you about *winks* take care!

today is a day of chores. haha, have not mopped the floor for a long time. it doesn't really help that i have a middle finger which seems to be sprained. and of all fingers.... life really works out interesting doesn't it. hope it doesn't get any worse. don't relish the thought of visiting the doc. my dislike for the doctors have not really gone away... hopefully, my piano playing doesn't get affected :(

disappointed in my friends. i guess, it's really the end for us. both of us played a part and i know that u don't see it that way. sighs, i have been blocking thoughts about u for about a month, and i have to face up to reality about it. sighs, does our friendship have what it takes to go through this rough patch? somehow, i don't think so. missing u? yes, definitely, a little. we've been friends for so long. God will show the way if this friendship is meant to last.... have faith, it's all that i have to do actually. as for u, hope that things work out for u in the long run. your life, career and friends :)

was writing in my physical diary today. it suddenly struck me that women are funny creatures. no matter how much a strong front that they present, inside is a vulnerability that is easily shaken by people. many have told me that i have the courage to stand up for myself, am determined, essentially, characteristics that attribute to strength. in spite of what i tell people, i have allowed this vulnerability to be shaken recently. whether by purpose or not, it has happened. oh wells, it's time that i learn my lesson once again from recent events. it's so easy to let one's emotions overwhelm and feel things that one doesn't normally feel. it's time to rearrange myself once again and be the person that i was not so long ago.

and i wonder, why did i ever put faith into you? anyone can be foolish, i'm no exception.

courage, many lack this. courage to admit that you are wrong. courage to apologize when you are in the wrong. courage, to admit your doings/wrongdoings. courage to say that one have insulted another. i've learnt this the hard way. perhaps, through maturity and experience, one can then build up and possess this courage. and i forget because i still can't believe how i allow myself to be swept into all these. as for me, i lack the courage to say i need your friendship, because, you have always shaken this vulnerability of mine. oh wells, as i said, i can also learn again.

another disappointment. i'll live.

extremity. singaporeans always have the inclination to see things this way. well, for matters of the heart, i do that too. haha, i'm human. other things, what can i say? we are in singapore.

expectations about responses have been met. my personality of being an analytical thinker has its merits. haha, yup, obviously, it's laughable.

next week promises to be a busy one :) good, i need some positive distractions in my life.

God Bless. :)

2008-07-20T16:23:00.001+08:00

been pms-ing lately. feeling that i'm constantly in a bad mood. sighs, and i'm being too impatient to be students. sorry helen and matthew, i know that i'm not being the nicest teacher around lately. will try to be nicer next week. perhaps, the idea of work looming is taking a toll on me:(

2008-07-17T22:13:00.003+08:00

yesterday was a tiring day. went to jb to eat and shop! haha.... ate lunch at kenny rogers. yum... after that, went shopping! bought 2 tops, a bag and a shop. it's official, i'm broke! sighs. seeing many nice things, but lack the financial capability to buy. it's not a nice feeling. i'll just have to wait for my first pay... sighs, what a long wait.... haha... for dinner, we went to this road side to eat sambal sotong, stingray and lala!!! my favourite is the sotong! haha... ate prawn mee, popiah and also oyster omelette! it's been a long time since the family went out together... nice.... :)

went swimming with the sisters today. very tired... need to rest... :)

2008-07-12T23:10:00.003+08:00

i seem to always blog on a saturday. perhaps, need to release much added-on steam my students had given me during the day. also, having a bad sore throat. don't know if it's sore throat, but it just itches like crazy and i seem to be developing a cough :( sighs, hope it goes away soon.... nice day today though... aunt bl treated us to jap food! thanks :) also we managed to buy mom's bday present. and she likes it! cool!

had a nice dream last night, in fact, all of my dreams came true. kind of sucky for reality? because, dreams don't come true. oh wells, i can hope can't i??

have a nice week this week. went out to collect my stuff for convocation. met up with jy and wy. i've always enjoyed chatting to wy, somehow, this down-to-earth gal had the effect of opening my heart to sharing my complaints, opinions and musings about life. gal, life is very short, learn to live it to your own happiness :)

met up with gera after that. hmm, nice time catching up! it's always great to meet up and chat about family, friends, life and people. work life has started for u, and hope that we can keep in touch here and there :)

suddenly looking forward to convocation :)

2008-07-06T00:45:00.002+08:00

today started off sleepy. i've purposely slept early, yet, still felt so sleepy. really wondering how am i gonna adapt when work starts :( sighs. many readings await me, but, i still can't get the drive and motivation to start reading them.

went to vch to catch a pianist, Christoper Taylor performing Goldberg Variations, BWV 988 by Bach. it was a wonderful peace. the theme resonate throughout the whole performance, and it was splendid. the second one wasn't so wonderful. perhaps, i need to learn to appreciate a seemingly calm variation without many changes in between. nevertheless, it has sparked off my interest and also motivation to go to more performances and concerts :)

more often than not, i keep thinking about my future. wondering, what will happen to me. not in the melodramatic sense, rather, do i want to be stuck here, in singapore, never accomplishing my dreams. i also thought of the courage that i need to possess to escape from here. i've never doubted the safeness of my country, my family and friends. but, there seems much to offer in life than staying here. always, the pasture is greener on the other side. but, if i don't venture out, will i ever know that the grass is the greenest in singapore?

i've never ever given you a chance before. however, after i came back from europe, i have been thinking about us, what u say. and i'm starting to care for you, looking forward to chatting with you. things and actions that i've never experience in a while. giving expectations is something that i will never do (once bitten twice shy), but somehow, i'm hopeful once again. hopeful that, perhaps, you can give me the courage to leave here, and pursue my dreams. i'm afraid, i might not have the courage once the expiry date i have given myself arrived.

thoughts. thinking far too much again. has not happened for a long time. good though. i need to think...

2008-07-02T23:34:00.003+08:00

overall view of paris

the ticket says it all, the louvre!

some pieces from the louvre!

paintings!

ancient egyptian stonestained glass
Maman by Louise Bourgeois, famous sculpture....

night view of paris

just thought to share some pictures :)

2008-06-30T23:34:00.004+08:00

Had a lovely day with ps today. We must not be too lazy the next time! great time catching up :)

More pictures below!

Pont du Gard, my favourite place in Avignon

Beside Pompidou center, a lovely fountain

Basilique du Sacré-Cœur

One of the many parks in London! Look at how lovely the tulips are!! :) My love in the middle, ain't he so adorable?? :)

2008-06-29T16:22:00.004+08:00

piano teaching. seems that i get rather worked up over it whenever the exams are near. especially, whenever i have non-cooperative students :( sigh. it's always a cycle. not that i'm that unhappy, it's just the kind of things that i can do without. and, the irritating thing is, it always happens near the exams period!

i have been giving u time to consolidate your thoughts, and i'm glad that things are fine for u. i have been looking for a sense of closure for some time, and, when i couldn't, i find myself being very nasty to u. haha. but it's over now, and the peace that i have now, it's very comforting. perhaps, i'm really that kind of person who doesn't like to keep any pages unturned, any chapters incomplete.

losing a fren, well, who doesn't care for what i feel. realise it only recently, when the quarrel, escalated into something major. all the time, i have been careful of what i portrayed in case, u get hurt. but when the ball is in my court, u don't care. so much for the friendship, huh?

many things to look forward the next week.... can't wait! kbox, outings with friends, swimming! bring it on!!! :)

some pictures from europe :)

france alps!

Saint Jean Cap Ferrat - Villa Ephrussi de Rothschild

my uncle's house! facing the mountains!

french rivierafirst time on a carousel

upload more next time!

2008-06-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

suddenly, it just dawned on me. that i shouldn't become someone that comes online for a reason. where, the reason is a person specifically. i cannot ever fall into this trap again. i reminded myself today once again.

oh wells, the scent of romantic interest has been picked up by me. whether it's my imagination or otherwise, it certainly brought some excitement into my life right now. but, i can't let it overwhelm me, that's definitely dangerous, at least for me. haha. see how it goes, though, i'm just a little more than pessimistic regarding romance. don't think i will ever waver my decision not to fall in love that easily just yet. it's not the right time.

sex and the city was splendidly fabulous! a movie not to be missed! brings a lot of truths that are often ignored. ps, it's great to see you again.... let's meet up soon!

europe, should be talking about it, haha, kind of lazy to blog.... what can i say, next time i guess.... haha....

2008-06-09T15:12:00.002+08:00

frustrated by things. any relationships are not easy to manage. yet, humans are social creatures. it's so complex. damn, and so far, the most challenging relationships that i've faced are family ones. finding myself affected by things, people. when, i usually forget them relatively easily. oh wells, one can't really stop the mind from wandering if the thoughts just come to me. sometimes, all of us must learn to let go better. i can do it, but learning to let go is not as easy as it sounds. i've always live by the policy of letting people do what they want, live how they want, as long as they are not hurting anyone. it's not as easy as it sounds as, but i can do it. and the point is, i realise i've let go at this point already. so, if others really want to nitpick at things, thinking that life is really pathetic for them, and everyone is at fault but themselves, i can only respect the decision that they have made. no matter what, it's a free country.

sighs, piano students, can't they just practise for once?

have to get my motivation for piano playing back. it's really not there right now :(

concovation is just a month and half away. don't even know what am i looking forward to anymore... life goes on, with a purpose, i've to find mine?

2008-05-30T21:30:00.003+08:00

it seems as though all the thoughts i had in mind had disappeared. oh wells.... been away for quite a while, to be exact, 4-5 weeks. the first 3 was in europe, while the next 10 days were in australia. different places, different feelings. let's deal with the most recent one first:

australia.

we were in darwin and melbourne. darwin, i enjoyed the quietness. it was unlike singapore of course, a little town, with a small population. it's a pity that i didn't get to go around more places while i was there. perhaps, one day, but maybe not, many other places to visit.

melbourne, a bustling city. the shops close too early for my liking. well, different city, different culture. the first thing that struck me was the squareness of the city. everything street is well-labeled and organised. perhaps, a little too straight for my liking. but then, i feel right at home there, probably because of the vast asian population there. things are expensive there of course, oh wells, didn't have much time to explore the city throughly too. that's also a pity. will i return? hard to say, many other places to visit as well. haha. there's always many other places to visit.

expectations

perhaps, my expectations from the trip was very high. i thought that this is a group trip. since everyone agreed to go on the trip, there should be the effort to interact and make it a group thing, without any complicated relationship entanglements. as usual, i'm wrong. it was fun during the start, fun doesn't usually last. it was obvious that not everyone share my thoughts. people usually like to stick with what they know and am comfortable with, i can't argue with that. at least, i made the effort. even if nothing comes out of it, i've tried, and i can live with that. i'm idealistic, wanting the best, but it didn't materialise, but i've tried. once, i left, and i thought, it was a wrong decision. so, i try again now. it reaffirms the decision that i've made the first time i guess. it's time for me to acknowledge the truth that not everyone can hang around one another. perhaps, that's another facet of life that i have to learn.

perhaps, my actions also depict otherwise? sighs, what to do, can't really know what others think about me unless they say?

it's really great to be able to talk to you again. i really feel very comfortable around you. one of the few that i can share my thoughts as it is. i just don't understand, and till this day, i have not figured it out. there's this invisible barrier between us that always appear now and then. we don't really talk about it, yet, after a long period of not talking, we can still talk comfortably. i probably gave more thought to this friendship than i thought, and yet, things are always bumpy for us. move on. these 2 words seem equally hard for both of us. minor and seemingly unimportant things always magnify in my actions to u and vice versa. perhaps, that's the invisible barrier that is not worked out yet. competition? comparison? well, one day, God will show me the light of this friendship.

so, life, is really not a bed of roses. 2 more months of rest before starting work. have many things to sort out, basically, what i wanna do with my life. talk about my europe trip in the next entry. tired.... so long....

Free-IQTest.net

2008-04-17T13:48:00.001+08:00

Free-IQTest.net - IQ Test

2008-03-30T22:35:00.002+08:00

sometimes it's really disappointing how people behave. perhaps, on our part, we shouldn't have force, but still.... sighs... i didn't know you very well but still, just wonder is it my "privilege" to see this side of you? actually something i rather do without

but still, it's good to see that others are doing well.

exams are coming.

so is my overseas trip.

let's clear them one by one.

2008-03-14T16:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes, it's really easy to tell from one's behaviour. i have given up already. it's really tiring to go from having expectations to realising that it's all rubbish. from the show of why why love, if there's no expectations, means there's no hope. maybe i should just start living by this motto, or have i not already?

tired. tired of starting to feel tied down once again. sigh, i don't understand why u always have that effect of me. trying not to think that u are using me, yet it is so hard not to. perhaps, it really is just a coincidence that circumstances are always such that.

trying to find the motivation to understand complex concepts, do my homework, go to class. and yet, it is not there....

2008-03-06T21:11:00.002+08:00

finally, all the quizzes are over for now.... i have not had so many quizzes in my entire uni life except for this semester. studying studying and studying. hopefully, i can pass today's quiz, but not completely sure that i can. sighs. the only thing that i can look forward to is not to fail that badly i guess.

still about school stuff, my presentation question for audit is out. sighs. more interactions with smart people again. it doesn't affect me as much as before, just that i hope to be able to study for my subjects and go to class peacefully without feeling so aargh!!

things are good now, really good :)

i don't know, i really don't know. i seem to think about you more often then not nowadays. it is even more so after i've seen you. however, it will die down the next day till i see you the next time. i don't think that i've fallen for you but just the kind of happiness that is hard to describe. however, i'm wondering if i'm suppressing what i can feel just because i'm afraid. anyway, i'm leaving everything for God to decide. not that affected by it yet, which i don't think i will unless you do something, which i know you will not. haha. don't really want any hinderance while i'm studying for now.... :)

2008-03-01T23:10:00.002+08:00

it's really heart-warming when my students take the initiative to share part of their lives with me. it's even more heart-warming when the quiet ones even take the initiative to talk to me about their school lives. it's even more heart-warming when a new student trusts u completely to talk to u about their lives without asking. that is when i believe i have make a little difference in their lives. most important of all, i just want them to achieve their potential in piano playing... :)

sigh. i hate to thing about this issue. damn. don't understand why this issue will subconsciously creep into my thoughts... GO AWAY! I DON'T NEED YOU! God, I believe in You.

2008-02-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

the holidays are coming to an end. and i have not studied all that i'm suppose to study. not that i'm feeling particulary down about it. and tutorials not done yet, and not that i'm particulary panicky about it too... so remind me once again, why am i still in school?

to a better topic. i'm going to france and london! haha.... i can feel a big hole burning in my pocket. well, so be it! i want to enjoy myself before working... *wide grin*

sometimes, i wish that u can see our friendship from both perspectives, instead of thinking that you are the one that needs pity all the time. perhaps, sparing a thought for me, my upbringing and family considerations instead of passing jibes at me all the time. i can take all of it, but my patience has a limit and it's enough already. if you did not go all sacarstic on me, i would not have been pissed by you at all. i'm at much fault too. i shouldn't promise so much when i could not carry out, but must you go all out to be sacarstic to me all the time. i have a life, perhaps, go find yours too, i'm an alone kind of person, if i have to literally spell it out to you.

sigh, perhaps, a good friend gone once more.... :(

sometimes, when i look at the whole situation, i want to laugh. i will not make myself foolish for a stupid guy. enough said....

2008-02-27T23:41:00.002+08:00

so it all boils down to this. we have all grown up and matured. we can't say stupid and meaningless things like "we don't care anymore" simply, how much does it mean? i really can't judge much about another person, but, i wonder if people always think out of the box, stop thinking of the world around them, but think for others at times...

alright, enough about that. this always happens. the hopeful me always hope that things could be different each time, that i don't have to always be the one to take the first step regardless of who is in the wrong. yet, each time round, i'm always the one... i don't mind simply because u are. just that u don't often see it. i'll get heartache everytime yet, i don't see that in you. have u stopped caring a little each time?

when i've decided to stop having good feelings towards u, i've stopped. and yet, i heard something today that made me change my mind a little. haha, if it turns out well, then good, if not, then God has other plans. but i can't help but smile :)

2008-02-14T23:40:00.002+08:00

so today is valentine's day. warmest wishes to those attached, married, etc. kudos to singles who are free of committment! haha. a case of not eating the grapes and labelling it sour? u'll be my judge...

usually, i don't really think about my single status. but when i do, i find myself looking around and seeing no one. that doesn't really bother me so much as before. perhaps, i need to be really alone before i feel that i need someone else to satisfy my loneliness... but again, i can always turn to GOD :)

i think it's really hard to find someone who fits all my criteria, there is no one who is a perfect fit, and yet, when there is, i find that i don't fit their criteria. sometimes, or rather, the idealistc one says love is enough. but seeing so many stuff around me, practicalism takes over? well, what do i know. i have much to learn.

so, at the end of the day, female power still stands. perhaps, when GOD decides i'm ready, i'll fine a guy who will make me want to fall for him all over again.

2008-02-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

so here am i, on a monday morning, blogging away when i have a class at 1030. haha. oh wells, i'm giving it a miss. the reasons justifying are very stupid. simply, i do not wish to see my grp mates and feel so lousy just after cny. yup, it's really stupid, but i simply couldn't care less anymore. i was just thinking if i carry this attitude to my workplace, i'm gonna be so damn dead. perhaps, i'll deal with it when it comes then...

this year, for cny is simply FABOLOUS! haha. played much mahjong (could do with more). ate great food! wow. simply wonderful. on day 2, my uncle brought us to this restaurant for dinner. each table was about 700 bucks. OMG! let me show u the foods...!

this is the pumpkin dessert. doesn't it look simply splendid!

this is the 8 treasures tea! nice nice!

shark's fin! needless to say!!

scallops basket. heavenly!

duck with mushroom and vegetables!

haha, in case u are already jealous, let just say, thanks to my dear uncle! or i'll never have to eat such good food in the near future at least!

here are some pictures taken over cny!

the four lovely ladies... *winks*

my family :)

my twin sis!

another one :)

younger sis :)

that's all for now.... cny is over... sigh... back to hated reality!!!

2008-02-01T01:05:00.000+08:00

so once again, i'm blogging after a long absence. this week is gonna be real busy, but i don't seem to get the motivation to do anything. sighs. and i'm starting to hate aa304 grp. i can't process fast enough, so am i gonna get lost in the corporate world? damn, it's just so unfair. bah! i can't wait for the presentation to be over. it's really stupid to fight in class to talk. contribute to get participation points. what does it all amounts to anyway? in real life, you are not gonna to fight for your right to speak in a formal environment. it'll lead to fight and chaos anyway. uugh! stupid stupid!

hopefully, i'll get the essay presentation done tomorrow, and the aa306 slides. many many things...

sometimes, i can't help but just wonder, when will it be my turn? *winks*

2008-01-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

timetable blues... i can think of a million and one reasons to take a minor and also another million and one reasons not to take. if only i can find it in me the energy to fight for it. have sent in my appeal and am waiting for it. somehow, i'm already resigned to whatever fate that awaits me and also happily accepting that i have a 3-day week. oh sighs...

life is indeed very unpredictable. sometimes, i feel very helpless at situations and the only thing that i can do is to lend a listening ear. and i hope that it is enough. take care dear, hope life will be bearable for u soon...

school has officially opened. i'm going through the motions and routines faithfully. but, why can't i find in me the sparkle to interact with people, the motivation to do well. i'm already throwing in the towel internally without trying. i'm just doing what i have to do, without feeling like doing it. well, the comforting thing is that i actually don't mind doing it, even though i'm already numb towards any satisfaction i may or may not get. perhaps, it's all about getting used to things...

hope that i can sleep tonight. sleep has not come easy for the past few days. damn.

2008-01-09T16:36:00.000+08:00

a day after my birthday. here's to all who wished me a happy birthday! thanks for remembering. in order of messages (haha)... aunt eleanor, unclelemon, yoke, jiaying, wanling, hui min, jiaming, jieling, candy, geraldine, aunt bee lian, yanzhen, mischelle, szee ying and angelina. the belated messages, thanks too! aunt yen peng and yi ming. thank you all :) i had a memorable bday yesterday with my twin sis, we caught a movie and had this lovely jap food lunch cum dinner and of course, shopping!

recently, i managed to complete all the books i borrowed from the library, very overdued books. haha. all are very interesting books which captured my attention, perhaps, i've never read storybooks for a long time. must start reading soon, otherwise my brain will go dead. haha. must stop playing computer games!

oh well, i might just have to live with a 5 day week. and the best of it, the last semester of my school life that i have to have a 5 day week. sighs. :( see how it goes, if i managed to get my module at all....

feeling hungry right now. control, i must lose weight! cny is coming!

2008-01-07T17:33:00.000+08:00

i'm turning 22 tomorrow. people usually say let's hope we mature by then and face life with a renowned sense of purpose. somehow, i don't really want to grow up anymore, i have more or less grown up to a certain extent. this is to say, i don't look forward to getting older. more pressures, more expectations, more responsibilities. all these point towards committment(of any kind), which i hate. oh well, that really sums up my birthday. but i'm looking forward to spending bday with my twin sis :)

suddenly, the whole idea of couples seem to have magnify, especially with the year 1s (after blog-hopping). well, i would like to get attached when i was in year 1, however, after an unpleasant experience, and some serious soul-searching, it doesn't seem as important as before. there are many things that we can appreciate besides having another half. it all seems so tiring, loving someone without any gurantees, showing (horrors of horrors) committment and wasting time going out (oops). haha, perhaps, when i'm ready, i'm ready...

to u: take care alright. talk to me anytime. time will heal all wounds (sounds cliche, but it's really true)

i hope to feel more geared up for school. have to get rid of feeling simply sianz all the time. sighs.

2008-01-02T22:19:00.000+08:00

i don't know why am i thinking about u again. is it a case of regretting after experiencing loss? i have no idea. once again, i find myself, trying to find out information about you. i miss you much more than i care to admit. and i don't want to justify what is the meaning behind this missing you part, i don't even know what it means. what i do know is that, i'm trying to find excuses to talk to u, perhaps, i just hate knowing that i'm truely misplaced, displaced and replaced.

today is a good day! =) went jogging with ps! it's been along time since i've ran on the track. it's good to see her after so long! =) stay strong dear.... i know you can make it no matter what happens....

school is starting soon. sigh, why do i feel that the holidays has only just started?

2007-12-12T16:29:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, after much heart-wrenching waits, i've gotten the call that i wanted. i've never ever wanted a call so much in my entire life. it meant even much more to me than waiting for someone. since i've not much choices, i have to make do with this one. it's not a bad choice. on hindsight, not getting the other offer may just be a blessing in disguise. God has His plans for me all along. =) Thank you.

it's really amusing and interesting to notice how people who have everything that they want really take things for granted. can't blame them really. who wouldn't want to always think that things are better on the other side? ain't that what motivates people to a higher goal? these people also tend to find faults with most things, for reasons that i cannot fathom. well, finding unhappiness with things, is it also another way to motivate themselves to find a higher goal? the question that i want to ask them is "are you happy?" more often then not, they'll tell u that they are. i believe them. the irony is, is they are so, why are they constantly complaining, seeking for greener pastures, and not contented? i don't agree that we should live in contentment and not improve ourselves when we can. i just don't understand the constant disatisfaction. it really is a thin line between the two, ain't it? i'm just an observer.

matters of the heart is the most difficult issue of all. no matter how determined we are, how strong we are, it just never ain't enough. to u: hope the pain tides over soon and u'll find the happiness u deserve soon :)

2007-11-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

exams are finally over! instead of feeling the euphoria that most feel, i'm still feeling my usual oh yeah, another phase it's over. well, but i'm oh so happy that i don't have to open another textbook! so now, just waiting for the results. still praying that i don't fail one of the modules. sigh. oh well.

interviews are here. i really wanna go kpmg, but they didn't select me. what can i do? life is really like that, if u ain't got the goods, u ain't got nothing. but, i'm rather optimistic i think? pissed with jy today. what does she mean by "i give kpmg's chance to u"? fuck. u mean i have to depend on u to get my job? on hindsight, i don't think she literally means that, but what the fuck, she offended me. and rather seriously. perhaps, she should learn to think through that thick head (apparently it's full of intellect, since she got all the interviews, like i fucking care) of hers before she says anything. and i remember i told a friend before, i fight for the things i care about, and i guess, i don't care about her views fucking enough to scold her. life's really complexing.

went kbox with yoke today. make me sing so much. no voice already! :)

i must practise my piano real hard! hopefully, i can improve lots this hols. the only sane thing, besides GOD (rank 1st), that keeps me from breaking apart at the practical world.

enjoy all i can now.

2007-11-23T13:36:00.000+08:00

right now, trying to study for my jap and business valuation. sigh, suddenly, am panicking, might not be able to finish studying!!! haha, hopefully, i can finish studying. :)

ps, enjoy yourself in canada! :) upload loads of photos! :) talk to u soon :P

sometimes, i wonder if i do think too much about certain things. i try not to put everything in a bad light, but negative thoughts do surround me when it comes to this. i have been complaining a lot about this recently, poor sis. haha.

have u ever wondered if u have been used by someone? i try not to think of it that way, yet, this naggy feeling will come back. most of the time, everyone is practical, making friends because they have certain value, making friends because they are of use to u, making friends for many reasons, but none so for the purpose of just making friends. well, that's just my personal experience. have been thinking alot about these things recently, admist my studying that is. haha. sigh, why can't life be simple? really yearn for things simple, whereby academic stuff doesn't take over and corrupt everything simple. who am i kidding? past the academic stuff, it'll be working life. another competition of another level will take place once again. does it ever stop? perhaps when we die...

my cousins didn't do well for their PSLE. move on!

study hard from now on! :)

2007-11-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, one paper down! was feeling quite restless when studying for that paper. well, the fate will be out in a month's time. *fingers-crossed*

it's nice talking to u again ps. hope that things turn out alright for u. none of us wants to be caught in that kind of situation. take care :)

suddenly, at a loss for words. more often lately, i find myself grasping for things to talk about. is it that there are lesser problems nowadays that require less thoughts to be revealed? haha, which is good in a way. perhaps, more blogging mood after exams!

jiayou in studying to all! :)

soulmate - natasha bedingfield

2007-11-16T22:59:00.003+08:00

i really love this song. :) it really speaks the soul of a single woman. :)

2007-11-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

all the presentations are finally over! i'm so glad. kind of disappointed at my presentation today. i didn't really put in the effort to try and present well. don't understand this kind of attitude i have. sigh. somehow, the content doesn't really want to stay with me. excuses i guess. also, the tutor's attitude plays a major role too. he is not even concentrating much on the presentation. well, anyway, it's over, so really glad of it.

went to watch stardust today. it's a very nice movie! i love those fairytale kind of movies. it takes the realism out of the practical world, allowing me to indulge in my childhood fantasies of princes, stars and witches. it's been a really long time since i last watched a movie! enjoyed it very much with my younger sis...!

i hate it when in a group, u treat me not very nice. when we are alone, u treat me very nice. what game are u playing at? it's irritating me very much so. in any ways, i shall not be very nice. what are u trying to prove? hiding? it's none of my business. so stop playing games with me, i have no patience for u.

after spending a considerable amount of time with a group of females, it's been a little tiring i must say. i think, i'm much better at one-to-one. haha.

ok, hopefully, tomorrow's jap oral will be a pass, with FLYING colours!

pre-exam

2007-11-05T16:01:00.000+08:00

the world is really a practical one. in order to get something, we must give something back. it's been a long time that i've seen a situation where the giving is voluntary. perhaps, this is a little extreme. sometimes, the other person just wants to return the favour. in reality, nothing is ever free. the cynical me always want to seek for perfection, and when i can't, cynicism overtakes me, and i'm left to speculate on the selfishness of human beings. this culture and mindset has been repeated into my mind since young. and, i've never stop to think of whether is this right or wrong? i've just been taught to repay anything given, not to take anything for free. but, is the world really like this? i wonder....

have you ever been really disappointed in a person? this often happens when expectations have been building up by you towards a person. whenever we tell ourselves not to develop expectations towards another, we have already broken this rule. i'm glad, that, i have no more chance to be disappointed in you anymore.

exams are really just around the corner. hopefully, this time, can do much better than previous semesters. i want to give myself a chance to do well, at least, see how much i can go by putting in the effort. i have to learn to work under pressure, instead of running away as i often do. it's really a bad habit. i will admit defeat if i don't do well, at least, i have achieved my potential? haha.

sometimes, i just wish that the wound in my heart will close once and for all. by nature, i'm not a full disclosure kind of person. often, i prescribe to minimum disclosure. nothing much i can really do about it. heard from hm that i should not force myself in this kind of thing. sometimes, i really wish i can give myself the chance that i deserve, by just trusting the people around me. i don't think i can do that anymore, except for a few close friends to my heart. =)

sigh. study hard for the exams everyone!

2007-10-31T16:55:00.000+08:00

each individual has a different story. often, when we don't look deeper into each person and the circumstances unique to one, we often neglect to emphatise with that individual. that is often how i see things nowadays. perhaps, when one knows many things, they have a clearer picture of the different situations, what to do and how to see things. no matter what, it is still irresponsible to shirk from basic stuff that we have to do.

i think that sometimes, all of us have an answer in our hearts. it's just that we tend to think about it. why? perhaps, to justify our reasons? justify the decision that we have made? ensure that we have not made any mistakes? whatever it is, we'll just have to trust ourselves.

sometimes, i really muse at the things that happen around me. well, i tend to see the funny side of things. somehow, still feeling damn neutral about most things!

sigh, exams are coming. have to mug hard!

presentations

2007-10-25T18:47:00.000+08:00

205 presentation is down. there's one for 206 next monday. after that, there's only cesim left! phews.... perhaps, can get some much needed studying done! haha...!

well, i've never felt so uptight for a presentation before. perhaps, it's the thought that the group wants to do well that adds on to the pressure. luckily, i didn't make much errors, some people even thought that i'm calm. haha, unknown to them, my insides were trembling! the other seminar mates commented to me that the mood and tension change quite immediately, upon entering the conference room. oh well. presentation was quite alright, perhaps, the tutor just wanted to help all of us achieve a reasonable overall grade. it's kind of disappointing, as the tutor has high hopes for us, but we didn't really meet his expectations. oh man, it's been a long time since anyone expects much from me. haha.

have been watching the search for the next pussycat doll recently! haha, i really enjoy the show! i hope that i can finish this before the exams. no distraction! similarly, i must also finish watching magicians of love! so that, i can concentrate on the exams. jiayou to me!

yesterday, i can't really get to sleep. many thoughts just going through my mind. i think its the stress of the presentation. suddenly, much uncertainties an possibilities have opened before me. i don't really know what to expect. for once, i've not been giving much thought to it. i like to be prepared for things in life. i hate to be thrown into ambiguity, perhaps, that's why i like to explore possibilities, so that, i can prevent things that i don't want to happen. so, this neutrality kind of scares me, i need to have a certain stand, so that, i'll know what to do when the time comes. oh man...

gonna start putting in more effort to my music. even though my teacher says that my pace is ok. hopefully, i can get to take the exam earlier.

sending in many applications recently. sigh, what a hassle. oops. haha.

2007-10-22T23:12:00.000+08:00

i understand fully now, the concept of why certain people can be in a world, and that it is impossible for others to penetrate that world. with this realisation, i've understand why some people can come together and how some people just can't be together no matter what.

i hate feeling stupid. damn it. why do people have to expect others to be like them too? can't they understand and empathise how others do not possess the intelligence that they have. sux.

sigh, i'm really very tired. off to bed.

bye.

a satisfying day

2007-10-20T21:54:00.000+08:00

my students' practical results are out! haha. i have 8 students taking exams. grade 3: distinction! grade 1: merit! the others, pass! haha! i'm happy! seeing the happy looks on my students' faces put a smile on mine! some of them, were just whiskers away from a merit or distinction. well, i'm glad their faces reflect are the determination to do better! it makes me feel that everything is worthwhile. all the make up, scolding and exasperation! the next round is coming up! hopefully, more students will do better! can't wait! just hope that i have the opportunity to be there to see their joyful and happy faces next year!

can't say that about my studies though. haha!

talking about music, i can't say that for myself. :( recently, much projects' datelines are around the corner. i didn't have much chance to practise. kind of disappointed and sad, but, i'm gonna try and practise more!!! i want to do well myself too! :)

i was surprised that u are attached already. i didn't expect that u would be in such a haste. i thought u were more rational then that. in many ways, i'm glad for u. perhaps, u can realise that the world doesn't revolve around only u, learn to care for others before putting yourself first and most important of all, better yourself because of your other half. no matter what your reasons are, i wish u all the best. and may it last while it can.

haha, it's really funny how things change so quickly. just last week, i happen to see that your nick reflects "i just can't forget u". oh well, haha. i'm just being egoistic. bear with me! =P sometimes, i do wish that things were different. that we didn't know each other under such circumstances. that i can get myself to fall enough for u to accept u. but, u'll have to be another person i guess. haha. nobody's perfect.

when someone's an only child, it's inevitable that they are individualistic. it stems from their upbringing, where the centre of attention is only on them. in addition, they lack the caring factor for others too. i happen to have a grp mate like that, and it just makes me pissed that she's damn self-centred in caring only for herself. well, 2 can play the game. i can be nasty to, and u have tested my patience far too much. grow up. whatever, just do something. damn pissed.

i happen to see on channel u's shoot programme, where the topic was, are teenagers unable to express themselves as they hide more and more behind the computer and using online chats as their wall. well, i do agree, because, i realise that the people aroud me also hide their true self alot on msn. i guess, that can't be helped, everyone has a protective layer they want to hide. hmm, depending on the degree i guess. is it good or bad? i don't think it's very good, because, we have cultivated a culture of hiding all the time. it's scary that we are unable to express ourselves adequately, in terms of emotions in reality. it's really sad to see this happening.

do you believe that u can tell alot by the look in one's eyes. i didn't use to believe that, till i started to realise that i'm kind of right. unless the person's eyes is really small. haha! it's scary on how much one can read, how much the other party wants to hide. the steely look will wash over the eyes. i have seen it, scary. why did i mention this? perhaps, i have been doing projects with different people, and, just happen to observe it.

i'm feel indifferent about u. i wish that things were much different, that u didn't tell me anything. but, i do know about it now, and, i hate the power i have over u. i wish that u have the courage to try, fight for the things u want, instead of living so much in the past. i really want to help, but i don't have the heart anymore. i really want to give this up, i'm tired. much too tired. am i avoiding u? i really have no idea. sigh. will it resolve soon?

projects are ending soon! yes!