i guess, putting down my thoughts in writing would make things clearer, or not. u see, it's really sad that i have my family who doesn't support me in most of the things i do. i should have expected that. that's how my family works. that is why, it doesn't really affect me. the shouting, the putting-me-d0wn, the criticisims, i can deal with it. i have expected it, that's why, i can deal with it.

however, i cannot accept the fact that my father, wants to lecture me, telling me the way to work in the corporate world. perhaps, i have stopped accepting advice from my father a long time ago. simply, he doesn't really take into account my ideas, my thoughts and my circumstances. oh hindsight, i know that he wants the best for me, trying to protect me from the "dangers" of the corporate industry. however, he has never asked me about the nature of my work, never sought to understand how my industry works, and yet he wants to fester an opinion. i just can't accept that. is it so hard to just talk nicely to me? is it so difficult to just ask me about my work nature? why is it that other parents see the good in their children but mine doesn't. why is it that they are so affected by little things that doesn't mean anything at the end of the day?

i really don't want to fight with my father. i think that i can never ask him for any advice, never be close to him any longer. no matter how hard i try to remember the good that he has done for me, these constant fights just linger in me. why is it so hard for him to accept that we have grown up? why is it so hard for him to accept our ideas? he doesn't have to accept it, but listening to it is just enough. is it so hard for him to do that? must he want to bring it to the point till that he just refuses to accept other people's point of view and turn everyone else away?

i guess, at the end of the day, i'll just live the way i always have had. no lasting enemies. with regards to my family of course. haha. if i am happy with my life, i can determine failure and success to my liking. i don't have to see failure and success from another person's eyes. at the end of the day, i'm not living vicariously. i'm still living my life.

ok, i think i have been somewhat showing some attitude. but whatever, i simply can't care anymore. sometimes, it's just so tiring to care so much of what others think. perhaps, i'm numbing myself in a way, so that i would not miss audit too much when i'm away. sighs, i think that i have gotten used to audit. but perhaps, i will miss it as a result of the attitude that i'm showing now. haha, oops. so i guess, when the stress comes in, i will be in deep shit.

new a1s, argh! sometimes, i wish they would be more intelligent in asking questions. hope that i wasn't like that in the past. i know i wasn't that irritating. haha. oh wells, at least, it's nice to see the new people having the drive. hopefully, they can hang in there.

argh, be booked under that person's job next week. hope she doesn't give me any grief. my status is such that she will not bother about me i guess. haha. hopefully. and i wanna go home early!! oops....

i love fridays!!

ok, here it goes again. it's been more than one month since i last blogged. haha. quite a lot of things have changed. the things that i've grappled with for the past 3 months or so are going to disappear. what a relief. to be not sitting in the company and wishing for things to be different, but actually doing it. even though the response was somehow what i expect, still, dealing with it is not as easy as i thought.

my parents say the usual things that i expect. i mean, what can i expect them to say really? they have their concerns. but somehow, it's nice if they recognise that what i want might not be what they want for me? different people want different things in life. some people yearn for glamour, for power, for money, and so on. me, i yearn for simplicity for now. i thought that i can deal with the corportate world, but i was wrong. i don't want to live through the corporate world being unhappy, playing little games, acting in front of people. it's so tiring. maybe i'll miss it, being unable to interact with people of my age, but i'll live. not sure how i will take teaching piano full-time, but i'll figure it out. if not, i'll just try another thing to do. no matter what people think they know, no matter what people say, the ultimate decision lies in me. i guess, it's me being happy that matters most.

in singapore, people like to have success at their fingertips immediately. it's not wrong, to like to have a certainty to things. however, is that how the world works? i hope not. it'll be so tiring, lacking the courage to try different things and hating oneself for doing the things they don't like. ain't it a touture to live like that? i've been there. i've learnt the hard way. but i did. everything in life is a lesson to learn.

i enjoyed time by myself yesterday. watched coraline and my sister's keeper! coraline is very interesting. it certainly brings out the fact that little children should not be left alone too much. hope that i can be a good mother in future. haha. my sister's keeper, a tear jerker. sighs, it always struck me that people always regret when they lose something. so why can't people treasure it now, instead of getting affected by small issues that don't mean a thing. argh. guess that not everyone has the same sentiments as me.

sighs. waiting for the manager. hopefully she doesn't come and i can slack. haha. well, i certainly can wish...!

i realise that i do not like you as a person. i was thinking that i should be nice to you, since you are leaving. and i do not wish to have "unfinished" or "unpleasant" business with anyone. however, after today's alone time with you, i realise that i just can't communicate with you. be it the way u choose to hide things (seriously, i don't really care to know since you do not want to say), shows a lack of understanding human interaction and mannerism. it just irks me because you show yourself to be dishonest and full of secrecy. my policy is such that, if you do not want people to know, simply, just don't mention anything about the topic. but to say something and profess another, it's just not right. i do not wish to associate myself with you anymore. last time. that's it.

sighs, i hate it when people bring out the worse in me. why is it that often, i can see the way people are, yet they just lack insights. argh. i know it's unfair to judge someone so badly, it's just in plain view. argh. at least i can say, i'm honest and factual.

sometimes i wonder is it so important to follow the dreams of others? what others perceive may not be what you perceive. it may also not be the best. i just know that the decision that i make, has to come from within and not from others. in that way, i guess, the mistakes or the wrong path that i take, can be blamed on one but myself. oh wells....

ok. i have complained about my SM these few days. i do not like him. he's unreasonable, unfair and has unrealistic expectations. to learn under him, i really have to learn the hard way. on hindsight, i think i learn much more in this manner, albeit, i probably leave a bad impression on the SM. actually, i already have left a super damn bad impression on him, as he could actually threaten me with my ratings. on well, unknown to you, dear SM, probably, u can really see why i didn't apply to go to tax in the first place. whatever, sighs.

alot of us do not know what we want in life. maybe we think we do, or we like to pretend that we do, so that we can confidently tell everyone that we are moving in the right direction. also, many people who are not in our situation will think that we are just griping meaninglessly. however, most will not understand that this business is not for the faint-hearted, lack of office politics or a sense of remote ambitions. no matter what, i have a theory. it's a simple theory actually. do u want to make work your life?

if u think that a career is very improtant to you, by all means, go all out to impress your superiors, your managers and bosses. however, if you think that you are just earning a living to get by, then just treat it as something that gives u monetary value, and not think too much of it. and the old argument of, liking what one does comes about. yes, it's important to find something that u enjoy doing, but many might not know whtat it is yet. perhaps, just go along with what one is comfortable with? perhaps, doing something that u might not dread everyday? it may be a refreshing change after all. perhaps, for me, i know that at the end of the day, i will not stay in audit, there's really no point for me to hang on.

a piece of good news! i lost 2 kg! i'm so happy!!! hahahahahha..... herbalife rocks for now!

sleepy, hope the day ends soon, i want to go home!!

i simply love spending my day in JB. cheap food and movies! simply splendid! haha... it's now back in the boring office, doing NOTHING! haha.... i think many are jealous of me. oops :)

going to watch a concert at Yong Siew Toh later. hopefully, i'll get even more motivated to pursue my diploma. :) sighs, the lack of time is the most vital attribute of all. argh.

yawns, sleepy. i'm gonna read my online story book!

econs since i last blogged. on wells, been in a bad mood recently. don't know what's wrong. but the decision that i decided to make seems to have been a good one for me. at least, i'm not in so much of a bad mood. i'm focusing on what the future can be. :) hopefully, i can get what i want. anything to leave this place of nightmares.

tax, argh. sometimes, i think the higher management should just have realistic expectations from the staff. seriously, there's a reason why i'm in audit and not tax. cos my tax sucks? argh. hate it. i hate people having the expectation that i should know this and that. whatever. argh! anyway, hopefully, the work that i have handed in is up to his standard. i just don't want to look at it anymore. argh! at least i understand what the hell is going on. damn.

going to start on my diet regimen. haha. taking herbalife products. hope it works :) losing weight in a healthy manner :) think i need some getting used to it once more. haha, seriously, milk is not my kind of thing! nevertheless, i shall press on! :) i must stick to it! i must! lol... also, my exercise regimen! my 10km run is coming up, desperately in need of practising!! haha...

dear dear take care ok:) always be there for u! jiayou! muacks muacks!

14th August 2009

This post is supposed to be on this date. blogged on the wrong blog. haha.

hmm, haven't been blogging for quite some time already.... oh wells, been quite busy with tax computations lately. was quite stressed recently. was given a holding company and it was so difficult!! i can honestly say that i don't totally understand what i was doing. however, i did my best. oh wells, just have to wait for the review. guess that they don't really hold high expectations from us. haha. so i can just take my time in understanding. the sucky thing is, we have to work within a budget. that really sucks... so i'm just slacking now, and praying that there's nothing for me to do till 530. it's a friday! guess that everyone has no time for us. haha :)

i love my life now. at least, for the next 3 weeks, i can plan what to do after office hours. :) i can slp early...! haha! there's it's cons too. i can't slp at night :( perhaps, i'm less tired physically and mentally. and i slp too early! haha.... hope my panda eyes go away soon!! shoo! shoo! shoo!! relationships are funny things. sometimes, it's easy for me to say i finally found someone that i can depend on, that i can let down of my protective armour and let someone into my life. however, sometimes, i find that i have to be a source of strength for the other party. and i think i know why some relationships fail. it's becuase the female party forgets that they have to be a source of strength for their other half too. still trying to strike a balance and find what is comfortable:)

it's quite dis-heartening if people don't see that your relationship with your bf will last. oh well, i guess, it's one thing to take one's comments to heart and another thing to trust oneself. i choose to trust myself for now. :) ok, there's work coming up.... well, don't think it will last very long. and, i'm sick of macdonald!!

it has been quite a trumatic week.... piano wasn't the usual relief that i feel. i guess, miscommunication can be a deadly wound at all times. oh well, i decide to give the benefit of doubt to the prinicpal. i do not wish to question her motives. i do not wish to question my suspicions. i do not wish to question my loyalty and dedication to my students. i do not wish to think. till the next "hoo-ha" comes, i shall refuse to think and ponder about other options.

sighs. i hate practicality. where's the innocence of just teaching all the students. i guess, all i wanted was to challenge myself to bring out the potential in my students. promising students, i want to bring out the challenge in them. however, i guess, i will lose the opportunity soon. perhaps, from my student's perspective, it'll be better for them to find a new teacher? i don't know. all i know is that i try my best to improve. to build up on my knowledge. i don't know if it's enough. but i'm trying, and till now, i don't think that i've failed any of them. argh. hate it.

sometimes, i just wish that life is simple, really simple.

sighs, i need to lose weight. hate the me that i see in the mirror. argh. i swore to lose weight by CNY!! argh!

i'm bored.... tax so far, performing the simple computations, it's not that difficult, what's more with piror year to follow. sighs... the 2 "seniors" are not around, and i have nothing much to do. it'll be exciting when i realise that i may be charging too much to personal time. oh wells, i'll decide when it comes to that. bored....

met up with g ytd:) it's always nice to know how your classmates are doing. well, in the sense, one may be comparing whether one is on par with the person of our age. most of my classmates are becoming teachers. haha. seems that it's quite a good industry to go into. stable career, consistent pay... oh wells, predictability is also quite nice i guess. instead of being in the corporate industry, where many happenings daily is not predictable. i like teaching. didn't realise that i enjoy it. i enjoy interacting with my students, finding out how they have turned into, the kind of youngsters walking in our society, :) at least it adds value to my life. feeling a sense of satisfaction when i see my students do well, or overcoming their fear.

sometimes, when people are too pracitcal, it affects me too. i have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like me, that they can give up comforts of their life to achieve satisfaction. perhaps the basic needs of monetary needs are not met. that's why. oh wells, each to his/her own. i guess, when one is happy with their life, that's all that matters? i'm happy that we still share freely, but guess that i can understand her much better and that makes it easier to talk to her. hope that things turn out well for her :)

the company is a scary place, really scary. seems like u come in with a big bang but leave without anyone knowing. rubbish...

should i or should i not? feel like though. think i'm gonna give it a try and see how things goes.... :)

meanwhile, i have an important task at hand. trying to look busy.

ok. i'm bored again. haha. yes, really bored. waiting for manager. these 2 weeks are a blast. haha, working for managers who doesn't exert a huge amount of pressure on me. meeting up with friends. :) it was a blast, catching up with sis, se, hm, hq, wx and ps! i'm tired though, have been sleeping rather late these few days. But! i feel that life has some purpose after all, working and having the time to catch up with people i care about :)

hmm, it's the time of the year in the company where many people are leaving. perhaps, i will get used to it after some time. for snrs that i enjoy working with, i feel a sense of sadness. however, i feel happy for them as they will be rid of this shit hole. wonder when will my turn be? oh well, since i'm still staying for a while, i choose not to think too much about it. so far, not much pressure on me yet. haha, shall just enjoy my life for a while more still.

sometimes, i wonder what my motivation in teaching piano is. is it the money? or the passion? i guess, it's really hard to quantify the percentage of monetary motivation and passion. i guess, one has to be practical, even with the passion, one has to earn some money. sometimes, it feels hurtful to know that your principal doesn't value u as much as u think she does. i have been with her for 5 years, yet my percentage doesn't increase. yet, my fees doesn't increase. yes, i admit my qualifications are not on par with the new teacher, i admit that, however, it's just so unfair. for the same student, she is not even charging me at market rate. it's fine, but if she increase the student's fee accordingly to the qualifications based on the old fee, it's fair. but she did not. she just gave a $10 discount off the market rate. damn. it's just so unfair. and why didn't i point it out? well, i always tell myself that i have a full-time job, shouldn't complain too much i guess? i like my current students, so i guess, perhaps, just stay till my current students have finished their studies? oh well, life's like that sometimes. will ask her if i decide to go full-time. oh crap, just feel like letting off steam.

sighs, economics vs passion.

haha....

argh... damn bored. waiting for the manager. hope she is not MIA. otherwise, i'll have a whole day of pretending that i have things to do. argh... took a cab today. and the uncle thinks i'm married!! haha... he was shocked when i told him my age. oh man.... haha.... have been meeting nice cab driver recently....! yesterday and today. sometimes, i don't mind them talking. but sometimes, i want them to give me peace too. but i like those kind that tell me about their children. haha, so i can get a first hand experience of what people in my generation are doing with my life.

met this uncle yesterday who was retrenched. it's very sad. i think he feels abandoned by his company. previously, he held a very high post. i guess, when age is catching up, it's very difficult to find jobs even though the experience is there. also, with younger people, the payout is not as expensive. oh well, economics meet practicalism.

watched harry potter yesterday! it was a very nice movie. haha. i enjoyed it very much. perhaps, everyone keeps telling me how boring it is. my expectations were very much lowered. well, many details were not in the movie. but, it's like that i guess, how can u put all the details into a 2./5 hour movie. emma watson is so cool! like her!

hopefully, i'll get a slack week:) the manager is always missing! oh wells, better than working.

argh! can't believe how stupid i am!! i should have done the work given to me for the whole day! sighs, what a rarity, the manager has nothing for me to do. and she's going for a discussion! she was actually asking other managers to use me. argh!! haha. well, hopefully, when it's 530, she's not back from the discussion and i can go home!! :) shall just exit my groove. silly me thought that she needed the things in a hurry. :) slack week! i'm happy!

sometimes, it really takes 2 hands to clap. what is it called? i believe it's understanding and compromise.

understanding: it is important to understand each other's goals. perhaps, to understand what is important to one. that's the interesting thing. what is important to one may not be important to others. perhaps, why relationships always meet a problem is due to this factor. each party is unable to understand why certain things and ideas are important to the other. this will lead to arguments. and the scary thing is, people break apart when they are unable to resolve the arguments. hopefully, this does not happen to my relationships. :/

compromise: reaching a compromise is as difficult as understanding one another. reaching a compromise means being less stubborn to holding on to one's beliefs. i believe that everything can be compromised, it just depends on the degree that the other party is willing to go to give in to the other. sighs, compromise, and i realise that i'm very stubborn. argh!

i know that i'm selfish at times. i'm unwilling to change alot of myself, in terms of, habits, behaviour and beliefs even though i'm in a relationship. i'm trying, however, i do question myself sometimes. is it better off being single? where i do not have to worry about compromising. but i refuse to let go yet. my dear dear means alot to me:) i'm willing to try and accomodate. things are different when one is in a relationship. often, we cannot do things by our whism and fancy, we have to try to understand and accomodate. this i will try. be less selfish.

haha. musings on my part, don't take it too seriously?

:)

i just so love doing nothing. waiting for the manager to call me. how long have i been waiting? about 4 hours? it's not so bad, surfing the net, reading on gossips. kind of a slack and good life. except that, the manager's gonna question me about why things are not done. and supposedly, am i to say that they are tasks belonging to the seniors? we shall see. it's been another minute pass, and no phone call. damn. it's really not too bad, till the manager probably wants me to stay late to complete some task that i could have completed like 2 hours ago? i'm just a lowly A1, don't expect too much... that's the problem with people sometimes, assuming about everything. damn.

feeling like i'm falling sick. hope it's not the SWINE. hahaha. feel like taking MC tomorrow. what a stupid shit job. senior has abandonned me. manager, i hope, it's nice. seems not too, from what my fellow colleagues say. hope to go back early today. what more can a girl ask?

haha... interesting lunch i have. it's weird. guess that's how it is, meeting dear dear's friends. need to get used to it :)

argh, the manager is still MIA. hope she doesn't look for me at 4pm. i will curse her. haha....

sometimes, i ponder over the necessity of treating my colleagues nicely. bantering with them, smiling at them. i was doing it before. but right now, i just seem to have lost the need to do all these. perhaps, doing all these will earn a good feedback, but, what are the seniors looking for? sometimes, the corporate world is just so practical. if u have the ability, people will rave and flock to u. however, if u are just an average joe, people will not even give 2 hoots about u. however, the world is made up of average joes. people who are born smart often neglect the feelings of average joes. perhaps, we'll just have to deal with it the best we can.

in university days, i was very affected by how people view me. of course, who wants to be viewed as stupid. however, when working, i've learnt to let go. there are just too many things in life to be bothered by how people view me. i'm more concerned with how my family, dear dear and real friends relates to me. :) working, creating a facade of yourself, i find it tiring. haha, ignorance is bliss. i've always believed in that.

slacking now... hopefully the client gives me what i need! argh. haha....

can't wait for the next week of leave!

ok, it's been about 2.5 weeks since i last blogged. haha, i realise that i have a tendency to blog whenever i'm stuck in office. oh well, the current job is not too difficult. consolidation, agreeing figures are not too difficult, just need to find out where the figures come from? except that i'm supposed to be stationed in office. argh, it's so far from home! one good thing is that the snr is not from my team, haha, and she comes in later than me. yay! and she seems nice. hope that i can slack! not a very good attitude? well, i can't be bothered too much. it's just work, not my life. i refuse to make it my life. *bleah*

had a wonderful leave period. went to lots of swimming. managed a genting trip in between. went to JB for the day and got really fat. managed to treat my grandma and parents. most importantly, spent time with my sisters, and dear dear! hehe.

back to reality. how does one deal with reality? realise that i'm not too affected by things. find that i can't behave like giggly teenage girls much longer. sometimes, i wonder, why do some people just have so much energy. perhaps, its just me who is tired most of the time. argh. well, think it's gonna be a tough next month. starting out in tax, hopefully, managers and seniors are nice. anyway, if they are not, don't think that they can affect me that much, after all, i'm just a lowly A1. haha. being an A1 has its merits in certain ways.

my students are having exams next month. kind of anxious about my cousins. chanced upon the elder cousin's blog yesterday. it's quite sad that she finds piano stressful. oh well, didn't realise that i have that effect of stressing my students. perhaps, i set high expectations for my students and myself. overall, i guess, a teacher just want her students to do well? have to make up for students these few weeks. hopefully, it's enough for them to get at least a merit. yes, i'm that demanding. haha. i don't just want them to pass. it'll reflect their technicialities too?

musings on my part: be single and attached has its pros and cons. can't really say which is the better option or choice? just that they entails different expectations and planning in life. like what my dear dear said, he doesn't like to see me tired. sometimes, i think that i feel tired too much that i don't really think about things. and when i do think about things, they tend to overwhelm me. for instance, the past 2 weeks, have been thinking more about things, marriage, family, future, career. thinking about them means i must make a decision. had come to terms with many things, and the conclusion, i don't want to think too much about how things are not working out. just have a few options at hand, so that i know how to walk the next step, that's more important than anything.

human relationships are very vulnerable. hate to see ppl arguing uselessly, hate shouting aimlessly. perhaps, as what bh said, i'm really just a "peaceful person who likes freedom". that perhaps, sums me up most well. :)

and i soooo need to meet u up. dear PS!!

it's been about 4 months since i last blogged. many things happened? not really, but i've grown wiser, smarter, and perhaps, more cynical about people. corporate world, many people want to get inside. sometimes, i wonder, at what cost? think all of us have changed in one way or another. efforts not being recognised, think i have to deal with it. damn. i hate it. i don't want to understand any more things about the audit, tax or anything else. i just don't. as usual, they don't interst me alot. argh. i hate it! damn. just wish that i can stop thinking about all these. courage, think this topic has been prevalent in most of my entries, which i still lack sorely. i want to go out and do what i want. but i just lack the stupid courage. and i don't want to listen to anything. hate how it affects me. i sound incoherent. and i know. just typing anything that comes to my mind. sighs. whatever.

wow. my previous entry was more than a month ago. not surprising, since i'm on this job, i often don't have time to do the things i want. and guess what? it's still the cny period, yet, i don't even feel it. argh! peak period, darn, i must really try to get used to it.

working for this manager has its merits. i really admire her to a large extent, how she gets things done efficiently. however, it's at the expense of her family. well, wonder how she can let work overtake her life. perhaps, there's really no choice in the matter? hmmz... got scolded by her before, haha, looking back now, i thought that i would not be affected much, but guess i was wrong. really stress, trying not to make mistakes and get things done efficiently. not easy, when i've been slacking for a long time. well, being on a tightrope all the time is not a fun thing exactly. looking forward to my next job. client, NEC! haha, accounts should be clean, ppl polite. and with juan! haha, should be a much better experience :)

really tired. a week of 20 hrs slp is not sufficient. sighs, going to look old really soon :( whatever. off-peak=slping time!

went with twin sis and her friend to timbre. really like the ambience there. nice chill-out place to relax. hope to go again soon! haha, sis wanna intro the pump room and other likes of it, haha... enjoy chilling-out! company must be right though.

unexpected things happen in the family. sighs, hope that grandma will be alright. hate to see anything happen to her at this age. she has enough.

someone is still treating me very nice. haha, hope it lasts. i have faith. glad we took the time to talk things out. it really helped, looking forward to spending more time with u after the peak period. :)

unexpected friends have been contacting me... haha! glad that i'm still remembered. and i miss hanging out with my friends. ps! juan! hm, hq, wx! yoke! and my, we'll meet up soon! argh, peak period.

oh yar, i need to spend time with my sistas~! too! love them!

never thought that i would start a new year like this. sighs. cried 3 times today. wonder what's wrong with me. never thought that i would be this easily affected, vulnerable... whatever. sighs. must be myself back again. the strong gal that i'm so proud of, where has it gone? damn, and perhaps i know the reason very well.

and today, i learn the important lesson of compromising. as much as i want to speak to u, talk to u, i know i cannot be so selfish to deprive u of your night of fun. sighs. i was surprised that u couldn't tell that i was crying when talking to u. oh wells, i'm still learning. sighs.

have to work tomorrow. sighs.

but other than this, i think i have reasons to smile. :) at least twin sis is not mad at me.

sighs, turning 23 soon. bugger...