first and foremost, after much heart-wrenching waits, i've gotten the call that i wanted. i've never ever wanted a call so much in my entire life. it meant even much more to me than waiting for someone. since i've not much choices, i have to make do with this one. it's not a bad choice. on hindsight, not getting the other offer may just be a blessing in disguise. God has His plans for me all along. =) Thank you.

it's really amusing and interesting to notice how people who have everything that they want really take things for granted. can't blame them really. who wouldn't want to always think that things are better on the other side? ain't that what motivates people to a higher goal? these people also tend to find faults with most things, for reasons that i cannot fathom. well, finding unhappiness with things, is it also another way to motivate themselves to find a higher goal? the question that i want to ask them is "are you happy?" more often then not, they'll tell u that they are. i believe them. the irony is, is they are so, why are they constantly complaining, seeking for greener pastures, and not contented? i don't agree that we should live in contentment and not improve ourselves when we can. i just don't understand the constant disatisfaction. it really is a thin line between the two, ain't it? i'm just an observer.

matters of the heart is the most difficult issue of all. no matter how determined we are, how strong we are, it just never ain't enough. to u: hope the pain tides over soon and u'll find the happiness u deserve soon :)

exams are finally over! instead of feeling the euphoria that most feel, i'm still feeling my usual oh yeah, another phase it's over. well, but i'm oh so happy that i don't have to open another textbook! so now, just waiting for the results. still praying that i don't fail one of the modules. sigh. oh well.

interviews are here. i really wanna go kpmg, but they didn't select me. what can i do? life is really like that, if u ain't got the goods, u ain't got nothing. but, i'm rather optimistic i think? pissed with jy today. what does she mean by "i give kpmg's chance to u"? fuck. u mean i have to depend on u to get my job? on hindsight, i don't think she literally means that, but what the fuck, she offended me. and rather seriously. perhaps, she should learn to think through that thick head (apparently it's full of intellect, since she got all the interviews, like i fucking care) of hers before she says anything. and i remember i told a friend before, i fight for the things i care about, and i guess, i don't care about her views fucking enough to scold her. life's really complexing.

went kbox with yoke today. make me sing so much. no voice already! :)

i must practise my piano real hard! hopefully, i can improve lots this hols. the only sane thing, besides GOD (rank 1st), that keeps me from breaking apart at the practical world.

enjoy all i can now.

right now, trying to study for my jap and business valuation. sigh, suddenly, am panicking, might not be able to finish studying!!! haha, hopefully, i can finish studying. :)

ps, enjoy yourself in canada! :) upload loads of photos! :) talk to u soon :P

sometimes, i wonder if i do think too much about certain things. i try not to put everything in a bad light, but negative thoughts do surround me when it comes to this. i have been complaining a lot about this recently, poor sis. haha.

have u ever wondered if u have been used by someone? i try not to think of it that way, yet, this naggy feeling will come back. most of the time, everyone is practical, making friends because they have certain value, making friends because they are of use to u, making friends for many reasons, but none so for the purpose of just making friends. well, that's just my personal experience. have been thinking alot about these things recently, admist my studying that is. haha. sigh, why can't life be simple? really yearn for things simple, whereby academic stuff doesn't take over and corrupt everything simple. who am i kidding? past the academic stuff, it'll be working life. another competition of another level will take place once again. does it ever stop? perhaps when we die...

my cousins didn't do well for their PSLE. move on!

study hard from now on! :)

first and foremost, one paper down! was feeling quite restless when studying for that paper. well, the fate will be out in a month's time. *fingers-crossed*

it's nice talking to u again ps. hope that things turn out alright for u. none of us wants to be caught in that kind of situation. take care :)

suddenly, at a loss for words. more often lately, i find myself grasping for things to talk about. is it that there are lesser problems nowadays that require less thoughts to be revealed? haha, which is good in a way. perhaps, more blogging mood after exams!

jiayou in studying to all! :)

soulmate - natasha bedingfield

i really love this song. :) it really speaks the soul of a single woman. :)

all the presentations are finally over! i'm so glad. kind of disappointed at my presentation today. i didn't really put in the effort to try and present well. don't understand this kind of attitude i have. sigh. somehow, the content doesn't really want to stay with me. excuses i guess. also, the tutor's attitude plays a major role too. he is not even concentrating much on the presentation. well, anyway, it's over, so really glad of it.

went to watch stardust today. it's a very nice movie! i love those fairytale kind of movies. it takes the realism out of the practical world, allowing me to indulge in my childhood fantasies of princes, stars and witches. it's been a really long time since i last watched a movie! enjoyed it very much with my younger sis...!

i hate it when in a group, u treat me not very nice. when we are alone, u treat me very nice. what game are u playing at? it's irritating me very much so. in any ways, i shall not be very nice. what are u trying to prove? hiding? it's none of my business. so stop playing games with me, i have no patience for u.

after spending a considerable amount of time with a group of females, it's been a little tiring i must say. i think, i'm much better at one-to-one. haha.

ok, hopefully, tomorrow's jap oral will be a pass, with FLYING colours!

pre-exam

the world is really a practical one. in order to get something, we must give something back. it's been a long time that i've seen a situation where the giving is voluntary. perhaps, this is a little extreme. sometimes, the other person just wants to return the favour. in reality, nothing is ever free. the cynical me always want to seek for perfection, and when i can't, cynicism overtakes me, and i'm left to speculate on the selfishness of human beings. this culture and mindset has been repeated into my mind since young. and, i've never stop to think of whether is this right or wrong? i've just been taught to repay anything given, not to take anything for free. but, is the world really like this? i wonder....

have you ever been really disappointed in a person? this often happens when expectations have been building up by you towards a person. whenever we tell ourselves not to develop expectations towards another, we have already broken this rule. i'm glad, that, i have no more chance to be disappointed in you anymore.

exams are really just around the corner. hopefully, this time, can do much better than previous semesters. i want to give myself a chance to do well, at least, see how much i can go by putting in the effort. i have to learn to work under pressure, instead of running away as i often do. it's really a bad habit. i will admit defeat if i don't do well, at least, i have achieved my potential? haha.

sometimes, i just wish that the wound in my heart will close once and for all. by nature, i'm not a full disclosure kind of person. often, i prescribe to minimum disclosure. nothing much i can really do about it. heard from hm that i should not force myself in this kind of thing. sometimes, i really wish i can give myself the chance that i deserve, by just trusting the people around me. i don't think i can do that anymore, except for a few close friends to my heart. =)

sigh. study hard for the exams everyone!

each individual has a different story. often, when we don't look deeper into each person and the circumstances unique to one, we often neglect to emphatise with that individual. that is often how i see things nowadays. perhaps, when one knows many things, they have a clearer picture of the different situations, what to do and how to see things. no matter what, it is still irresponsible to shirk from basic stuff that we have to do.

i think that sometimes, all of us have an answer in our hearts. it's just that we tend to think about it. why? perhaps, to justify our reasons? justify the decision that we have made? ensure that we have not made any mistakes? whatever it is, we'll just have to trust ourselves.

sometimes, i really muse at the things that happen around me. well, i tend to see the funny side of things. somehow, still feeling damn neutral about most things!

sigh, exams are coming. have to mug hard!

presentations

205 presentation is down. there's one for 206 next monday. after that, there's only cesim left! phews.... perhaps, can get some much needed studying done! haha...!

well, i've never felt so uptight for a presentation before. perhaps, it's the thought that the group wants to do well that adds on to the pressure. luckily, i didn't make much errors, some people even thought that i'm calm. haha, unknown to them, my insides were trembling! the other seminar mates commented to me that the mood and tension change quite immediately, upon entering the conference room. oh well. presentation was quite alright, perhaps, the tutor just wanted to help all of us achieve a reasonable overall grade. it's kind of disappointing, as the tutor has high hopes for us, but we didn't really meet his expectations. oh man, it's been a long time since anyone expects much from me. haha.

have been watching the search for the next pussycat doll recently! haha, i really enjoy the show! i hope that i can finish this before the exams. no distraction! similarly, i must also finish watching magicians of love! so that, i can concentrate on the exams. jiayou to me!

yesterday, i can't really get to sleep. many thoughts just going through my mind. i think its the stress of the presentation. suddenly, much uncertainties an possibilities have opened before me. i don't really know what to expect. for once, i've not been giving much thought to it. i like to be prepared for things in life. i hate to be thrown into ambiguity, perhaps, that's why i like to explore possibilities, so that, i can prevent things that i don't want to happen. so, this neutrality kind of scares me, i need to have a certain stand, so that, i'll know what to do when the time comes. oh man...

gonna start putting in more effort to my music. even though my teacher says that my pace is ok. hopefully, i can get to take the exam earlier.

sending in many applications recently. sigh, what a hassle. oops. haha.

i understand fully now, the concept of why certain people can be in a world, and that it is impossible for others to penetrate that world. with this realisation, i've understand why some people can come together and how some people just can't be together no matter what.

i hate feeling stupid. damn it. why do people have to expect others to be like them too? can't they understand and empathise how others do not possess the intelligence that they have. sux.

sigh, i'm really very tired. off to bed.

bye.

a satisfying day

my students' practical results are out! haha. i have 8 students taking exams. grade 3: distinction! grade 1: merit! the others, pass! haha! i'm happy! seeing the happy looks on my students' faces put a smile on mine! some of them, were just whiskers away from a merit or distinction. well, i'm glad their faces reflect are the determination to do better! it makes me feel that everything is worthwhile. all the make up, scolding and exasperation! the next round is coming up! hopefully, more students will do better! can't wait! just hope that i have the opportunity to be there to see their joyful and happy faces next year!

can't say that about my studies though. haha!

talking about music, i can't say that for myself. :( recently, much projects' datelines are around the corner. i didn't have much chance to practise. kind of disappointed and sad, but, i'm gonna try and practise more!!! i want to do well myself too! :)

i was surprised that u are attached already. i didn't expect that u would be in such a haste. i thought u were more rational then that. in many ways, i'm glad for u. perhaps, u can realise that the world doesn't revolve around only u, learn to care for others before putting yourself first and most important of all, better yourself because of your other half. no matter what your reasons are, i wish u all the best. and may it last while it can.

haha, it's really funny how things change so quickly. just last week, i happen to see that your nick reflects "i just can't forget u". oh well, haha. i'm just being egoistic. bear with me! =P sometimes, i do wish that things were different. that we didn't know each other under such circumstances. that i can get myself to fall enough for u to accept u. but, u'll have to be another person i guess. haha. nobody's perfect.

when someone's an only child, it's inevitable that they are individualistic. it stems from their upbringing, where the centre of attention is only on them. in addition, they lack the caring factor for others too. i happen to have a grp mate like that, and it just makes me pissed that she's damn self-centred in caring only for herself. well, 2 can play the game. i can be nasty to, and u have tested my patience far too much. grow up. whatever, just do something. damn pissed.

i happen to see on channel u's shoot programme, where the topic was, are teenagers unable to express themselves as they hide more and more behind the computer and using online chats as their wall. well, i do agree, because, i realise that the people aroud me also hide their true self alot on msn. i guess, that can't be helped, everyone has a protective layer they want to hide. hmm, depending on the degree i guess. is it good or bad? i don't think it's very good, because, we have cultivated a culture of hiding all the time. it's scary that we are unable to express ourselves adequately, in terms of emotions in reality. it's really sad to see this happening.

do you believe that u can tell alot by the look in one's eyes. i didn't use to believe that, till i started to realise that i'm kind of right. unless the person's eyes is really small. haha! it's scary on how much one can read, how much the other party wants to hide. the steely look will wash over the eyes. i have seen it, scary. why did i mention this? perhaps, i have been doing projects with different people, and, just happen to observe it.

i'm feel indifferent about u. i wish that things were much different, that u didn't tell me anything. but, i do know about it now, and, i hate the power i have over u. i wish that u have the courage to try, fight for the things u want, instead of living so much in the past. i really want to help, but i don't have the heart anymore. i really want to give this up, i'm tired. much too tired. am i avoiding u? i really have no idea. sigh. will it resolve soon?

projects are ending soon! yes!

a sudden urge

it's sort of in the middle of the night and i suddenly feel very much like blogging. haha. been feeling pretty good these few days. perhaps, the cloud of gloom has gone away and i can smile easier now. right now, many projects suddenly playing the catching game with me. sigh, i just resent projects sometimes. they are like hindering me from studying. well, 205 is gonna be down soon, which i'm so glad of. =)

206, oh wells, it's just kind of hard to do a proj when i don't really have any idea what is going on. been trying, but its really very confusing. haha, what much of a choice do i have, perhaps, just to cope with it. maybe, i'll survive fine after the storm. a little wet but not drenched. hopefully! =)

311, hmm, kind of hard to say whether it is easy or difficult for me right now. however, i'm enjoying lessons with the tutor. i can't believe it, i'm actually travelling 3 hours to have a 2 hrs lesson with him. well, i think, the tutor does really affect the interest towards a subject. it's been the case for me for the past 2 years. hopefully, this is also no exception. =)

sometimes, when i don't see, i don't remember. and when i see, i remember. a lot in fact. i keep scolding myself for being useless. it's been abt a year already, yet, i still feel some anger towards him. i guess, it's not easy to put down totally. perhaps, putting down is easy, but, totally, it's impossible. by hardening myself against whatever he stands for, the people around him, i may be able to prevent myself from softening my stance towards anything about him. perhaps, u may wonder if it is a heavy price to pay? well, i've never thought that it is, perhaps, the monster that i see in him, is able to overwhelm any other factors.

yes, i'm taking a lot of preventive measures, which, i believe, is necessary. i think it is difficult for some people to understand why is it so hard to take the tiny step out of the turtle shell and feel for another again. i don't know. for me, i just don't want to get hurt again. the need not to get hurt does really overwrite the feeling to fall in love. one may think it is stupid to have all these defences just because of one person. well, i have no answer for that, except that, it is very painful to get hurt. the ache in my hurt went away after quite some time and it is still there, perhaps, not constantly, but little waves here and then. it is enough, to remind myself, i cannot let another similar incident from happening, to get hurt again.

who doesn't want to fall in love? who doesn't want to feel protected all the time? who doesn't want to be able to depend on another person for emotional things? if i do meet someone who can give me all that, i think i'll fall in love pretty soon. but is it that easy? i know that God has the perfect person for me, perhaps, it's not the time yet. then, i shall wait for Him, to lead me to the one. be patient i guess. i've learnt not to yearn anymore. be at peace. =)

having fun with the people i'm hanging out with nowadays. we maybe be aquaintances, but, i feel happier nowadays. perhaps, we should be thankful for the little things, and not be unhappy for the things we expect but can't get.

ok, have to go to bed already! 1:43 am....

love this song! enjoy!

all about relationships

i do understand that one changes with the environment, with time and even with the people u hang out with. basically, everyone changes to almost anything. sigh, how i wish i'm not feeling all these negative thoughts towards u. i can't help but think that i'm obligated towards you and i resent feeling that. it seems as though our relationship has not changed at all. u are still u, yet, am i the one that has changed that much? once, i treasure u alot. so much so that i care too deeply about what is happening towards u. however, now, i just don't feel like replying. i feel so tired. am i ready to give it all up? i don't know yet. once, your jokes seem to cheer me up a lot. now, i find it tiring to respond to u. can i ever give him up? we shared so much. yet, this relationship doesn't seem to be able to grow. i feel so stifled whenever you are around. i've been making excuses to avoid u. haiz.

my heart gave a lurch just now. why oh why, that does this wall of mine is unable to be broken down by anyone? i've read a book today called safe harbour. there was this line from the book, saying, i can feel my wall slowly being chipped away by.... how i yearn to say this very phrase one day. one fine day.

i find my defences breaking down today. damn, i realise that i've forgotten to protect myself once again. i allow myself to feel for something that i've forgotten for a while. well, that's really life?

hopefully, the resolve to study stays on. sigh. sigh.

i need more motivation

if only i can feel more towards doing well for quizzes. sigh, i don't even feel as though the world is falling down on me even though i will fail the quiz. sigh, i don't even feel down that i don't really know how to do any questions. sigh, can i feel more about my studies? somehow, the quiz seems to be a hinderance to the finals. yeah, stupid thoughts on my part, but still, they come. i don't have the full confidence of doing well, yet, right now, i just don't feel like doing anything about it yet. if so, when is the right time? damn, i really do see things from too much perspectives.

sometimes, i wonder, am i that different from others? everyone around me is so concerned about their studies. even though there's some who doesn't show it, the fact that they keep talking about it shows. sigh, i don't even want to talk about it. i have long stopped thinking what is my niche, the lack of it, or even whether am i going down the right path. as long as i can get a job, i have no other worries. sigh, can i get just a little bit of motivation? sigh.

well, another thing that perks me up! hikaru! this anime is so nice.. i've been chasing after if for a few days. perhaps, after i've finished it, i'll get back to studying! haha.... =)

suddenly, i feel that there are many strangers around me. it seems we were friends before, but now, everything just changes. i can't help but muse at the uncertainty of change. change is good i believe. it's hard to imagine life as a constant. that'll be quite boring. however, one thing that strikes me is that people are bothering to keep up with appearances much. well, perhaps, life is always like that. we can't always expect the idyllic aspects of life.

many projects are upcoming. hopefully, they'll all go away soon and i concentrate on studying. whatever time that i have left. sigh... =(

friendships. relationships.

as requested by dear ps, here am i! haha. firstly, i'm proud to announce that i've slept 8.5 hrs the night before! it's been a long time that i can have the luxury of at least 8 hours of sleep, even though, 7 hours is not that bad too. =)

yesterday's piano lesson was the usual, however, i seem to have lost my drive always after the exams. perhaps, the exams are rather far, so, i can relax, but, i will lose some of my motivation. =) haha. well, let me slack for a while. :p i hate rude students, and, i have this boy, who is showing real shit attitude towards me. well, it's my last lesson with him next week, and boy, am i gonna show shit attitude towards him. wonder how parents teach their kids these days. *despairs*

friendships is another form of relationships which i thought is relatively easier to manage then love relationships. however, the recent spate of events made me think otherwise. i've never thought that friendships is measured by the length of time you know another person. for example, does it mean that a friend i've known for 10 years should be more important then a friend i've known for a year, even though i seem to be able to share more things with this friend of a year. pardon me, but i've always thought that knowing another person is how unique lives are interwined this way. if i've met this person and we can share things together, eg, thoughts, ideas, feelings, doesn't it show how lucky we'll be able to become friends?

an incident happened to this friend of mine, and made me think, of friendships. they've known each other for about 8 years, and her friend accused her of treasuring friends she've known for less then 3 years then her of 8 years. to me, it's kind of stupid, when the things they are arguing about, of all, is about a guy. throwing a friendship for a guy, if u ask me, is pretty stupid... *groans* well, i'm really in no position to judge, perhaps, asking my friend's friend to be less selfish and think of my friend's point of view. *shakes head* although, i think that is unlikely to happen.

well, i'm not very capable of handling things in this particular department myself. however, i'm finding myself happier and lighter compared to previous semesters. what is happiness? perhaps, to me, it's simply, living for myself and not for others. not having to put on so much of a front. life is simpler this way. yes, i'm selfish, i want what's best for myself, well, i think, i have lived too much for others when they don't even give shit loads about me. :p haha, that's a little bias, well, i rather see less of people's "face colour" then giving my own "face colour". once again, my judgement about friendship, perhaps, our lives are not meant to be interwined.

my english is becoming poorer as the day passes. been speaking more mandarin then ever! aargh! i've been trying to articulate properly, it's my fear that i'll lose the ability to put sentences together! haha. well, it's happening bit by bit already... :(

anyway, the holidays, albeit, for a week, it's a much anticipated one for me. gonna go for many kbox sessions, movies, and of course, jogs, and sleep!!! a much dreaded quiz. BUT life's really great with the holidays!

ps, we are gonna go for kbox right??? haha.... miss mugging with u.... take care in US!!!

updates. updates. updates.

ok, it's not really that bad. updating my blog in like 3 weeks. haha. have been watching too much tv shows on youtube. much too much. :P well, not totally, i have been somewhat hardworking this semester, trying to do tutorials, admist ponning lectures. sigh, have been missing far too much classes this semester. it's not that i've lacked the drive as seen in previous semesters, on the contrary, i've been more hardworking. just lazy to go to school.

damn, it's the 179 queue all over again. i have to wake up 10 minutes earlier!!! just to be in sch in time. it doesn't use to be this way. sigh. 10 minutes is very previous to me! :P

have been watching movies like crazy this weeks. the recent ones i have caught are 1408, the bourne ultimatum, ratatouille, hairspray. my favourite one is hairspray! i just love musicals! the energy is infectious! haha, and, zac efron, is so cute! well, i love his eyes.... :P

juggling between music studies and piano is a little challenging right now. have not been practising as much as i should. hopefully, it's enough for the lesson later on. =)

my parents are in silk road now. juggling household chores, school, piano and tv time is definite very challenging. probably, that's why i have been forsaking school. sigh, i know it's wrong. i have to try to do work today!!! haha....

the holidays are around the corner. hopefully, get to go kbox at least once! there's a holiday spread in today's papers. haha, i feel so much like going to australia! =) well, but i don't think i have the company. :( oh wells... =)

work hard this semester :) you go girl!

*ps: miss you lots!

bullet train

each week, i wait fervently for fridays to come. the signify the short freedom that i have from school. just one more day, and it is time for freedom again. haiz, i'll never keep to my rules of sleeping by 11pm everyday, completing my tutorials in time. somehow, another module always overwrites everything. just hope that i'm putting in enough, i really want to do better.

the things that are going well are my projects. well, in the sense, not much things that has to be done within this period. i can relax a little. and jap, i'm starting to get the hang of things. and best of all! my piano! i'm so gald that my life has taken on a sort of routine. :)

haha, i met this really nice guy recently. somehow, i can't help but wish that maybe it's my turn to have some luck in my love life. well, at least it sure beats your mom complaining about it all the time. *groans* somehow, it's funny how the parents want yet the children doesn't want it. well, we shall see....

to peishan:

i'm gonna miss you lots. the phone calls, anytime, any night, anyday.
the occassional messages of how are yous.
studying (hahahaha)

take care alright. :)

may december come quickly.... :)

expectations and losses

everyone seems to think that their life is the worst. ain't that the case? so that, when they arrive home, they expect everyone to accept their tempers, mood swings, etc, as nobody has it any worse then them. i'm no exception. however, a brand new day will begin, and another day will start with its new moods an tempers. so, why can't these people start sparing a thought for others around them, and, perhaps, they can see that their lives are not the worst of all.

lost, who hasn't lose things? and why do everyone seem to think that what they have lost is so much more than others? perhaps, by looking around, and sparing a thought for those who has lost even more, a home, a family..., ain't that worse?

i'm sick and tired of people expecting things from me. i've done what all u have wanted me to do. nobody has ever asked me what i'm facing, and results is what i'm expected to produce. and if i can't, it's my fault. damn, i'm trying my best to try and live up to all expectations and i'm very tired about it. try feeling stupid in a group of people when i don't even have to have the feeling of feeling this way. try to impress the tutors among people who are even better than you, when i don't even need to do this. what does all this point towards to? a better grade? in a stupid environment where i don't even want to be in. why am i doing all of this? for myself? if i have a choice, i would not choose this path. because i have none, because i know that i'm expected to graduate, wear the stupid gown, from a university. i have never thought of any other paths. yet, no one understands. taunts, insults, and i'm expected to accpet all of those? i've accepted whenever i'm being critised, yet, nobody ever understands how i feel. i've never expected to be asked, just to leave me alone sometimes. u have your bad days, why can't i have mine?

lost, i seem to have lost many things. a good friend to a boyfriend. the person i love to a friend. my confidence to a group of achievers. many things. yet, i can still laugh and see things positively. move forward, that's what i'm trying so damn hard to do, and why must all of you come poke me here and then. to hurt me even more? at peace, finding the peace, that's all i ever wanted to do. there are so many other things to live for, i'm living for them now. give me the peace.

it has been a long time

it's really been a long time since i've last blogged. the part of me that wants to hide has emerged again. sometimes, i'm really tired of this hide-and-seek game, wondering how long will it still continue? or simply, its a human nature to hide? really tired....

today, i'm shocked. rather, it has been a long time, too long, in fact, that someone just tell me something about myself, something as it is. i appreciate the honesty and will try my best to change. i've been pondering about this issue for some time and did not realise that it shows. should i forsake the present and move back to the past or vice versa? i've been trying to strike a balance between the two and have hurt (not literally) both parties. i did not expect it to be that difficult, perhaps, by the unwelcomed presence. i've been veering between 2 extremities of characteristics. damn, is it that easy for me to change, or rather, is it that hard to just be myself? have i been too used to hiding? damn....

been irritated of late by childish behaviour. it wasn't that so in the past. i've changed? or perhaps, i've no longer welcome the comforts of laughter, which is irritating. life is indeed confusing at times. sometimes, i feel like i'm in the middle, with strings attached all over, and being pulled. i don't know where to go, and is this the price i have to pay? i don't know, sometimes, i think, it's not a price, perhaps, a much need experience to learn how to strike a balance? i'm positive...

the strong urge not to get hurt is within me so strongly. i have not felt my defence level this high in ages. perhaps, it has to do with people assuming too much, taking things for granted. some may wonder, how long am i gonna keep this enemity up? and i wonder, is it enemity? perhaps, it's just the part of me that really doesn't want to get hurt. and i'm really tired of protecting myself, can't i just let go, go with the flow, without thinking that all of u are out to get me? it's hard, and somehow, the refusal to even try a little tells alot? is it that the hurt has already gone beyond repair? i don't even feel a thing, the anger refuses to engulf me anymore, ain't that even worse than at least feeling something?

just wanna live this one year peacefully, without being disturbed.... i'm extreme sometimes. and i just want my own peace. perhaps, i can finally achieve it, without hurting people that i care about....

damn, 205, stupid and demanding module....

flash back

anyone can be an actor. well, everyone is an actor. it really depends on how well one can act. we must really reward ourselves for acting so well.... however, it all boils down to only one thing. nobody cares anymore.

we have a history behind us. try as we might, it is hard to erase it totally away, and at once. i'm speaking for myself. i've learnt the hard way. it is impossible to take something away totally, but let time heal everything. be patient, and one day, everything will be fine again. what's the point in crying over spilt milk? nobody is willing to do something about it, everyone has stopped caring already. is it the road that we are heading when we embarked on this journey? lately then not, i've been questioning everyone's intentions. that is what happen when i'm alone at home most of the time. i welcome this solitude. have been missing it for a while. no expectations to face, just my own. who am i kidding? nobody can survive totally alone, but perhaps, i can, for a while.... facing up to the decisions i have made, accepting the consequences, relishing in what has been already done.

is this it? when one has managed to forget another totally? i don't know... i'm still waiting for that apology which i know will never come. perhaps, waiting is the wrong context. u owe me an apology i guess. i have been trying so hard to reconcile what u feel, what i feel, what is right and what is wrong. in the end, i'm facing it all alone, the catalyst to my decision? peishan says that my tolerance level is very high. haha, i do not deny it, it's pretty high, well, what's done has been done. i should stop running away and face up to these issues in my life.

once, everyone avoided each other, shying away from prevalent issues, trying to not create trouble? i'm the rebellious child, making things difficult for everyone, which, perhaps, is just my voice crying out, "pls, take a look at me. not everything is fine." maybe i should have make things clearer? but that's just not me, and i don't think that i should change so much just because i'm not accepted. once, i can change the way i am. i'm willing to change for the person i love, the people i care about, till i realise, that nobody is willing to do that for me. now, everyone has become the happy family, because, they are tired, and wants to be together. as the rebellious child, i'm happy for them. perhaps, the happy family can truly share, rejoice together over ups and downs without feeling the shadow of the rebellious child. people are selfish, including myself. still trying to protect myself from all that could hurt me.

expiry dates. everyone talks about them. perhaps, it just came sooner then expected. if God allows me to forgive and forget everything that has happened, in the blink of the eye, i would have already done so. however, i just could now, no matter how hard i try. i have stopped trying, surrendered to God, to give me the peace and calm. i have the tranquility. just need the heart to forgive and forget. once again, it is time. time is still the ultimate remedy...

sigh, doing PA report.....

today is the last day of internship!!! haha.... andrew is damn nice... lucky us do not have to work! yay! we went to his PENTHOUSE.... oh my... it's so so cool!! i want mine too :D haha, hopefully, i'll be able to have the means in the near future...! we went around the company taking photos... i'll be missing szee ying a lot!!! she's a nice nice senior.... taught me lots of things with patience.... nice to talk to too.... really miss her alot... felt like tearing.... hopefully, we'll keep to the promise of meeting!! =) God gave us a reason for meeting the rest of the 7, and the people in the office.... hopefully, we'll keep in contact... :P

went to do my hair today... hopefully the colour comes out nice! =) went to chicago steakhouse today for dinner with twin sis... =) the food is not that particularly fantastic... :( time to slim down!!! found a new job (sorta) again... haha.... at least, most of my expenses will be taken care of... hehe.... =)

that's all.... the new week without work is gonna start again!! looking forward to it...!

Die Hard 4.0

caught die hard 4.0 yesterday... it's a nice show! it's a funny action-packed movie! at least there is no dull moment for me.... the storyline is about this guy who is cruxified by the US defence agency as he thought their system inadequate. there is room for more defence to be in place, thus, he set out to break the defence doors. however, the hacker that developed the logarithm was saved by the detective, as the bad guy wanted to destroy all evidences. as such, all the action began. can't help but think that asian talent is still not fully recognised despite being used in movies. maggie q barely spoke in the show, and was killed very early on... darn.... but she's damn cool! haha....

these few days are so tiring... reached home at about 11pm. and i have to wake up at 630am. everyday seems to be a blur.... haha... hopefully, for today, i can reach home at a relatively comfortable time so that i can rest... haha.... but i love meeting friends... =) many of them are leaving already, and it'll be quite long before i can see them again... :P

work work work... haiz.... boring... nothing to do... wasting time away...

and there's still that report looming.... sigh...

harry potter is gonna be out tmr! but i guess i'll have to catch it next week... =( haha... can't wait!!!

thinking of a certain someone...

Nah, No Sparks Right Now

You and your guy friend are just that... friends At least, that's how you see your relationship with him Could things change later? Of course - and you know that. Friends make the best boyfriends, so don't discount him completely.

Are You Crushing on Him (And Don't Even Know It)?

subjects registration

today was a nerve-racking time, registering for timetable.... oh my, haha, it's the first time that i don't actually get the subjects registered immediately.... haha.... but thank God, for giving me, always, what i really want. =)

well, today, back at the office, was really boring.... and my dear senior, gave me a job at the last minute.... i just have to finish it.... thanks to m and wy for waiting.... =)

went to treat dinner.... haiz.....

right now, i'm simply just full of acceptance that people will always be selfish and think for themselves. in the past, i do not have much proof, just by things i see, which may not be enough. now, hearing those words from your own mouth, i realise that, yes, people are just indeed selfish. well, that's life i guess.... live on... =)

money money money

something upsetting has happened to me, and i cried. sigh, it has been a long time since i've cried, and i'm proud of it. probably about half a year? haha.... damn it, this stupid incident has made me realise that everyone is selfish, and that i can't expect everyone to have good intentions right from the beginning... misjudge people, damn it, i've always done that....

from the beginning, i've always thought that when someone asks u for a favour, their will be some incentive given. with that assumption, that's why i agreed. i was tired that night, and may not have infer whatever u typed clearly. yes, that is my fault. however, i've never ever thought that you are not as simple as u seem. i've always believed that everyone is good, is that how i've always been bullied? no matter what u say about this whole incident, someone will always want to come out as though one has done nothing wrong. however, in this situation, u have wanted to resolve all blame which i find it very wrong.

when u propose to sell that damn thing to pay the amount back, i was stunned. seriously, i was. only someone, who just want to benefit from your own sale would have come out with that solution instead of finding one that benefits both ways. and when u say that u have become worse off, who hasn't? why is it that u are so bloody selfish to think that u are the only one that has suffered... and u were rude to my parents. granted that they said some unkind things about you, u have no right to say that, in the first place, u were the one who thought u could make a quick buck.

disappointed, truly disappointed in ppl. it seems as though, the people that i meet somehow harbour unpure intentions. sux.... i do not profess to have saintly behaviour, and i can't expect everyone to have the same thoughts as me, just that, it's damn unfortunate to have this stupid thing happen, especially one involving money.... i was feeling damn bad and all for thinking that i have caused this whole incident, till i was told that, i do not have to feel guilty and all, it's him who has the whole situation wrong.

suxs.... damn suxs....

2 more weeks to the end of internship.... i will miss the people here, but i will not miss being desk-bound. the audit outside of the company was more fun then anything else... haha.... hopefully, i have the energy and motivation to remain in this industry for long... =)

similarly, hope that i'm not being much too sensitive.... :D

transformers!

today is not considered a slow day for me, at least i stop looking at the watch many a times just to see how fast the day has progressed. it's just that my laptop is being kooky... it keep hanging!! damn, i hope it's not going to die on me soon.... sigh, i can see more money flying out already... so laptop dear laptop, please take good care of yourself.... =)

haha.... the time after lunch is just so sleepy.... perhaps, it has more to do with the fact of me watching transformers yesterday!! haha, it was a brillant show.... try to catch it! =) i had no intention of catching the show yesterday, but, i was slightly taken aback when ym asked me out for dinner, out of the blue, and we end up catching the show... haha... i love the movie... the effects were great, the actors believable... the sad thing, perhaps, megan fox, is kind of not acting? haha... that's just my personal opinion, but she's hot... oh boy is she..... love it love it! go watch it!!!

well, willing for time to pass quickly... i wanna go home!! haha.... =)

christina aguilera rocks!!!

it's such a great day that i decide that i must blog... went to christina aguilera's concert yesterday.... oh my!!! love it love it love it!!! she has such great showmanship compared to the other asian stars.... it is natural, instead of seeing it as just another show.... i can't help but compare the western singers with the asian counterparts.... oops.... haha.... don't regret at all, just a big black hole at the back of my pocket... haha....

had 2 dreams last night... both dreams are nice, but, dreams don't come true do they? perhaps, i've been thinking too much about boyfriends.... well, intern ppl, they are all happily attached, and when they talk about their other half, i can't help but wonder... well, at least, there's no more longing in my heart...

have been mapling like shit nowadays... alas, my mom thinks i'm having rendevous chats with guys who are out to cheat me.... the price of everything... haha.... well, at least, she does care and hopes to save me from big bad wolves... =)

so long, gonna try blogging more if i'm not mapling!!! bye...!

post-batam

what a hectic week.... i love what happened the past week, yet abhor some things too.... haha, all in all, a balance life... sort of.... went batam for audit. it was my first time there, and boy, it does feel nice to travel business class, for business purposes, haha.... albeit in a ferry.... =)

it was the usual audit performed at the company. i got to hear office politics, lots of it in fact... suddenly many things seem to tie up. it's really scary how i have to keep my mouth shut and all. just hope that by lending a listening ear, i have not gotten into trouble... sigh, even though gossip is nice, at a cost, it's not worth it.... anyway, just 4 more weeks!! oh my! i can't believe it, soon, i can rest!!! haha.... i can't wait man...

at the beginning, the idea of working is really tiring and irritating. just hate the idea of going to work all the time. however, there was one day when, somehow, i just fit my motions into my usual routine, and, it doesn't seem so tiring and irritating anymore. it's just part and parcel of life? many people say studying is better than working, i haven't arrive at my own conclusions yet. BUT, i realise that, when working, colleagues are just colleagues, at the end of the day, they mean nothing much. in school, it's rather different, we have to face the people we interact with at the end of the day.... my senior told me about her own experiences, which i agree... as we get older, we are more exposed to the idea of competition. no matter how much someone wants to get away from it, it will still haunt us.

i hate the idea of competition, and i try to abstain from it. however, i realise, i can't stop others from comparing, competing. no matter what people say, they do compare. i'm no exception. i hide from it, because i hate it, and i do not wish to see it in front of me. i also realise that i can no longer run away from it any longer. i will not drown in useless competition, even though, it is part and parcel of life, but, perhaps, just try not to get angry and agitated whenever i'm faced with it.... haha, many things to learn indeed...

family family family.... just about family i guess....

sigh, work is boring right now..... hope that the last month passes very quickly!!! =)

Whispers

it is amazing to me how much you think you know about people and how much you think they know about you, and yet, the result is that, we really don't know anything much.... when word travels to me about someone i know, yet, the words that surrounds my world and another's world is so different. malicious gossip can cause harm, however, even simple getting-to-know about one another in school, reaps dangerous and unspoken thoughts.

singapore is indeed a small place, where, almost everyone knows one another, such that, even if we want to fight out of one place, we cannot escape the arms of another environment, which is vastly indifferent from where we just came out of. is that good or bad? well, we will have the comfort of knowing that we will be surrounded by people we know, that at least, in the crowd of familiar faces, there will be a real person out there. however, is the real person out there just one or there's adequate warmth to sustain us. often, we do not know, and often, we are the ones who cause this distance and unfamilarity.

games, even at this point in time, people still play games. i have stopped questioning the singnificance of it, but, i've yet to attain ignorance towards it. do i still care? quoting from an expert from lifestyle, "it takes at least two years to cease the pain of losing someone close to you". that does ring a bell, but, no matter how much time it takes, it will surely cease? yes, it will.

i've thought that i will be unhappy for this period of time, how wrong i can be. even though the happiness is not sustainable, at least, i'm happy for now, and will keep this happiness for as long as i can, before another dark cloud befalls me.... =)

7

so it comes one day, the feeling of tiredness, the unwillingness to carry on, the reluctance to wake up, the refusal to believe of a good start, basically, the routine mechanism of life that threatens every essence of my very existence right now.

i've always resisted any form to tie me down to a system. through this internship stint, it just reinforces my habits, the way i want to live life. i can't stand sitting behind the desk and not doing anything else except just work. i keep fidgeting and trying not to fall asleep. damn, if u can see the number of times i yawn.... haiz, and the worse thing is, working under someone, i hate answering to anybody with regards to anything. someone, all the signs keep pointing to another career path. right now, don't really know what i want to do, but, i do fear choosing the wrong road and being unhappy for the rest of the next seven years or so.... sigh...

i dislike the politics in school, i hate the politics at work. i hate being judge of my capabilities, i hate being compared to another, i hate having to prove myself of something, i hate the look when your senior gives when a mistake is committed. maybe i'm a teeny weeny bit sensitive, i just hate being ruled, judged and observed. sometimes, i really wonder, where does this lead me then? somehow, i'm trapped in my body, where my soul yearns to fly.... to a place where i know i truly be contended.... the answer, i think i have, the resolute, i've yet to acquire, the consequences, i don't want to even imagine...

life is truly meaningless.... well, practicality still rules the day... another year, it will pass quickly, and i may just be able to kiss all the things that don't matter good bye....

6

The previous entry was dedicated to someone. So, gonna start blogging again! Haha, have not been blogging much due to working. I have been sleeping earlier then ever and watching TV!!! Haha… the only thing I have not done well is losing weight…. Sigh, really hope to lose the much needed weight… getting fatter by the day!!! Save me! Ps! Yes! Gym one day…. Haha….

Wondering why am I blogging fervently right now? I’m bored at work…. Aargh! There’s too much people, yet, not enough work to be distributed. However, I’m kind of lucky, as I’m in the team with a lot of work to complete. Have been given a case on my own, wow, sometimes, I’m a little overwhelmed at how much I know and don’t know, filling in the blanks is relatively simple. The challenge for me is to understand how much I know when I’m filling in the blanks. Still at it, trying to figure things out… =)

All the interns were given a chance to go to Batam. Haha, the other intern and I drew lots, and I got it!! Initially, there was a discussion between the senior and supervisor, however, the outcome was to draw lots. In my heart, I really thought that the other gal would be chosen. By a stroke of luck, the chance was given to me. Really wonder who would they have chosen…. Hmmz, but I got it!! Haha, gonna enjoy my time there….! At least, it makes the time crawl…. =) I’m excited!!!

Exams results are out… haha, finally, am able to face my exam results with the usually optimism I have. Perhaps, I’m too used with the lousiness of the results, therefore, not too affected with the outcome. After this internship stint, I’ve come to realize that results does not mean anything much. If I sux at it, I get lesser pay for a start. I might not be able to get into the BIG 4, but, I’ll still get a job. The higher your result go, does not really equal to what you can do. I’m learning right now, so are all new accounts assistant…. So, haha…. Not gonna waste my time and energy feeling sad anymore…. Partly, I think I’m not in school anymore, not surrounded by people who do well, who doesn’t care for anything except for their results. I finally do see people who are the same standard as me, which means, I can stop feeling lousy. It sux, when my self-esteem takes a damn good beating from being exposed to too many people who are good. Well, I’ve never aimed to be the best, but to try my best in anything I do…. Realize, I bring the way I live to the way I teach my students…. =) giving your best, it’s enough…. =)

Well, many things have been said, yet, sadly, a lot more have been left unsaid….

Anyway, internship is fun! Haha, perhaps, there’s many of us working together…. Gonna upload some photos… take a look!!!

The 8 of US!! Weiyun's birthday!

Birthday gal and me! =)

It's supposed to be LE4! hAhA!!

4

finally, one day of rest.... sigh, working is becoming a dread, day after day, doing things that is just so irritatingly irritating. i tend to fidget most of the time and is really punctual when it's time for break. i really wonder how am i going to spend the rest of my life desk-bound. even when i'm out at client's place, i tend to stand and do my work. i'm so dead, is there any job that doesn't require me to stay still? haiz, i can just dream on? yeah....

woke up at 1130 am today, and got a shock. have not have the luxury of staying in late for a while. was at the power house last night, the music was nice, better than mos. guess that i can never be a clubbing gal, can't really enjoy it totally. just can't get into the mind of people who do enjoy it. haha. however, observing the nightlife in singapore once in a while kind of make me feel that i'm not so stuck in my world of normalcy.

once again, could not help but think about stuff, guess that, most of us often do think about things, it's only whether we bother to air our thoughts. feeling rather relaxed nowadays, with a sense of newfound freedom, that i'm not being restricted, bounded or even have the obligation towards anything. this feeling would not last for long, however, i shall enjoy it while it last. everything has an expiry date, and, my freedom, it will, but i will find it again... =)

i think, i'm done with trying to maintain a friendship, or even normal working relationships. hate the young sometimes, there is definitely a generation gap, and i don't even understand why am i doing so much, perhaps, i pity u, and i let it bother me. well, i hate not being able to speak my mind towards anything, i hate being restricted just because of the presence of certain people, well, screw u, i'm not going to try anymore. whatever sympathy i have, it's gone... =)

sigh, work=no time. many things i want to do, stuff i want arrange, yet, i'm being restricted by work, which, i have to be restricted even more in future. however, one good thing is that i can daydream. haha.... oops, it's our secret... =)

have u ever wondered how it feels to be loved so much, yet expecting nothing in return. for the receipient of this love, it's free, however, for the person giving this love, it comes at a high cost. i have been at both ends before, and, it's a burden. the reason that i mentioned this is that ps has let me think about things. haha, just can't help but muse at my own situation.

love, which gal doesn't one to be in it. which gal doesn't want to be protected, to trust, to have the security of someone, the fact that u know u have someone by your side wherever u want. kind of tired, that i have to constantly look out for myself. however, happy, that i do not have to commit towards anything. how do u strike this balance? the grass seems to be always greener on the other side, but is it really? at what cost, sometimes, people pay when they are in a couple. haha, i'm cynical. well, so long, i guess, it comes, it comes.

Dear God, the faith to love, believe and trust You, has deepened. Thank you.

3

i've been not so active on the internet life recently.... work, tv and sleep do occupy me a lot... can't understand sometimes, have been sleeping much more than i used to, even more than when i go to sch, yet i can't help but want to sleep all the time.... recently, things have been getting rather stressful, doing things that i don't really comprehend.... darn, and i hate feeling helpless... anyway, have resolved that, it's really none of my business, i'm not staying in the company anyway... haha...

something happened in the office today which puts me in a foul mood. somehow, i feel that i'm responsible for a senior being reprimanded. however, circumstances are not what it seems and that my supervisor has put both of in such a situation that results in it? hopefully, can put my unhappiness aside and just continue working.... sigh....

going to sleep soon! blog more soon!

2

the war i have with blogger is such a strange and interesting phenomenem. just when i start a new one, the old one is workable... still in a dilemna whether to have a new one or just continue with this.... give it a couple of days, and see if i can let go... i don't let go easily, haha, so i'll just go back in future? anyway, time heals all wounds, perhaps, it's not so hard to let go after all...

work is busy and tiring... i don't find it challenging, perhaps, there is no time constraint, as when i was at kpmg. i keep feeling that i'm on the go all the time, and, with that, i feel really motivated to complete the job. however, i don't feel it now, at sometimes, i really feel like screaming, where is the urgency?? perhaps, a smaller firm has lesser projects and fewer deadlines, i'll just have to get used to it? i'm really strange. when i find life boring, i try to find challenges, sometimes, creating problems just so life will not be that monotonous.... and when life is busy, i always wish for it to go away. perhaps, when i'm busy, i usually am with the things i don't like.

today, the client mentioned something really striking. yes, when u do something that u don't like, u don't often do as well as something that u like. even in most people who do really well, something is still lacking, unless u really have the motivation i guess....

watched bridge to terabitha (think it's spelt like this but i'm lazy to check) yesterday with wx, hq and hm! haha, it's a nice show, just lacking in more dreamlike scenes.... but it was fun catching up!!! =)

ok! work! haiz.... 9 more weeks, it'll pass...

1

this is definitely a ridiculous way to start a new blog, but it is something, well, not a bad thing either... something's wrong with blogger!! i can't get to start blogging with my current blog... damn! however, it's a new start i guess, with the internship and all....!

sprained my back on wednesday.... it's the second time. i guess, it's better than the first time as i did at least put some medicine on it... haha.... the sad thing is i can't exercise for a while.... i'm getting much too fat for my own good!! oh no, i have to lose weight, perhaps, really have to exercise after work and all....!

tomorrow is the start of PA. kind of nervous, it's very unlike the first time when i have to work at KPMG. perhaps, at that time, kind of naive, unsure of anything, just going to an organisation with an open mind. right now, with more knowledge, it's supposed to calm me down, it's having the adverse effect... haha.... perhaps, been doing too much damage to my self-esteem for a while, in the very academic environment i'm in... what to do? just cope with it i guess.... i have this attitude of barging into anything and everything with an open mind, just do my best and take whatever that comes... if only, i don't have to think so much of office politics and grading... haha.... went to the website to take a look, it sort of calm me down... the manager looks friendly... haha... hopefully, everything will go on smoothly and well!!!! =)

it's nice to be able to blog down my thoughts finally, blogger, pls get well soon.... =)