it has been a long time

it's really been a long time since i've last blogged. the part of me that wants to hide has emerged again. sometimes, i'm really tired of this hide-and-seek game, wondering how long will it still continue? or simply, its a human nature to hide? really tired....

today, i'm shocked. rather, it has been a long time, too long, in fact, that someone just tell me something about myself, something as it is. i appreciate the honesty and will try my best to change. i've been pondering about this issue for some time and did not realise that it shows. should i forsake the present and move back to the past or vice versa? i've been trying to strike a balance between the two and have hurt (not literally) both parties. i did not expect it to be that difficult, perhaps, by the unwelcomed presence. i've been veering between 2 extremities of characteristics. damn, is it that easy for me to change, or rather, is it that hard to just be myself? have i been too used to hiding? damn....

been irritated of late by childish behaviour. it wasn't that so in the past. i've changed? or perhaps, i've no longer welcome the comforts of laughter, which is irritating. life is indeed confusing at times. sometimes, i feel like i'm in the middle, with strings attached all over, and being pulled. i don't know where to go, and is this the price i have to pay? i don't know, sometimes, i think, it's not a price, perhaps, a much need experience to learn how to strike a balance? i'm positive...

the strong urge not to get hurt is within me so strongly. i have not felt my defence level this high in ages. perhaps, it has to do with people assuming too much, taking things for granted. some may wonder, how long am i gonna keep this enemity up? and i wonder, is it enemity? perhaps, it's just the part of me that really doesn't want to get hurt. and i'm really tired of protecting myself, can't i just let go, go with the flow, without thinking that all of u are out to get me? it's hard, and somehow, the refusal to even try a little tells alot? is it that the hurt has already gone beyond repair? i don't even feel a thing, the anger refuses to engulf me anymore, ain't that even worse than at least feeling something?

just wanna live this one year peacefully, without being disturbed.... i'm extreme sometimes. and i just want my own peace. perhaps, i can finally achieve it, without hurting people that i care about....

damn, 205, stupid and demanding module....