how time flies. it's the time of the year where one makes new year resolutions once again! haha. according to my tradition, it's the usual category and segregation. :)

career.
haha, the easiest to talk about. hmmz, what's there to say? still working as usual. perhaps, i need to put in more effort to understand what i'm doing when i'm doing instead of trying to understand whenever something crops up. in a nutshell, have to be more focused even though my heart is screaming "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN". and perhaps, the company should consider revamping their policy of forcing people to take leave. argh. initially, i thought, it's not hard to force myself to do something that i don't enjoy, just do it. but, perhaps, in audit, it's not that easy to sit do something i don't enjoy. oh wells, with the bad economic situation, there's nothing much that i can do. sighs. haha. perhaps, should explore other options really soon (sighs... another headache...)

piano wise, it's the same as usual. just hope that my students taking exams will do well:) as for me, sighs, not practising as much as usual:( damn, i didn't realise that this would happen. with other aspects of my life flourishing, i sort of forgotten about this. don't want to give up though, i just need to reorganise the important things in my life.

family.
i love my family. enough said. :)

health.
doing well. happy! :)

love.
ahz. this topic. haha. not the usual musings that i would have. like being an independent woman, free of emotional entanglements........ etc. i found it:) just want to say, i enjoy u in my life. the little things that u do for me, i will remember and keep it close to my heart. thanks dear :) will do my best to make the effort to keep the relationship strong :)


that's about it... hope to have a good year ahead!

christmas is just around the corner! looking forward to it! there's the usual family dinner. good food! haha! i like it when the extended family gathers. there's just the warm feeling within me, where we cousins will just talk crap with each other, grown-ups catch-up and harmless teasing. :) this year would be a little different i guess. looking forward to u coming over :)

christmas this year would be special. having plans for once instead of the usual expectations. haha. i guess, it's because i'm spending it with u that makes it so meaningful. it'll be a great night :)

there will be a christmas lunch in the office tomorrow. haha, hope i get to win those wonder prices! :)

work is going on well, in the sense that i'm getting used to it. the routine, the expectations. however, dealing with the senior's expectations is another thing. sighs, audit is really a funny business. last year's and this year's team do really matter. it's so ironical that the processes within the client remains the same, yet, different teams audit to different extents. sometimes, which makes me think it's a lot of bullshit. sighs. and my senior just took me off the engagement that's with her. so it really speaks of my performance. oh wells, what can i do i guess. that's life, learn from my own mistakes. move on.... sighs...

will be catching up with lots of friends! can't wait! haha....

happy one month dear :) appreciate u being there for me. appreciate u always making me laugh. appreciate u for tolerating my idosyncracies. appreciate u for making the extra effort. appreciate u for understanding my schedule. the list goes on. appreciate u just for being there. :)

i really feel like saying things in a literal sense, but i find myself at a loss for words. because, i'm usually very direct with things. i don't like to beat around the bush. i don't want to hurt people's feelings, yet i'm contradicting myself. because i know that if i'm going to say things as it is, i'm really going to hurt the people who care about me.

looking at things from different perspectives really help. talking about things really help too. maybe it's not anyone else's fault, but just internal conflicts that need to be resolved, internal confusions that needs to be sorted out, internal issues that need to be compartmentalised.

perhaps, all in all, i really need to talk to myself. ask myself, what do i really want? what do i really need? instead of focusing on what i think i need at this point in my life. life happens at different stages. perhaps, what is needed in other people's life may not necessarily be needed in mine at this stage.

i've always thought that i'm the silly one. the kind that will live for it. but i'm not, and that really surprises me. is there something that i'm not seeing? is there something that is not there? i have the answer, yes, i do. it's very clear to me. but can i let go? it is this answer that i have that scares me.

i want things to be fair. even though i know that life is often unfair. my honesty will hurt. i know. but i don't want to lie anymore. i don't. perhaps, all that is lacking, it is the courage to let go.

and perhaps, the solution simply is, to give it more time. time heals all wounds. time can also reassure things.

i want to give it time. i don't want to be someone who says this, and does another. i care too much to brush it away, i care too much to leave it alone. if i say i don't know what i feel, i'll be lying, because i do.

and at the end of the day, i don't even know why i'm blogging about this. perhaps, just take things with a pinch of salt.

reading my last blog entry. many things have changed. how time flies.... haha...

where do i start?

i'm happy that u are so patient with me. happy when i'm with u. happy when u make me laugh. happy that u care for me.

i'm told to enjoy it while it lasts. :)

i am. i keep smiling. and that's a good thing.

yes, i'm afraid, but i'm not alone....

u turned back for me. that is enough. u care enough to turn back. i appreciate it very much. thank you for waiting.

i'm happy :)

i have my answer. i see alot of myself in u. and the more u try to say stupid things, the issue is going to get darker than it already is. sighs, why are guys so stupid at times. the more that u try to think that it is not, the more u will give thought to it. so why can't people just avoid the whole issue?

haha, i thought that i was the foolish one. so my friends were right, i was wrong. and when i was wrong, i tend to think too much about things. and even if i think too much, i guess, i need to, so that i can protect myself.

pushing people away. that's what i've done best. done that many times, and so far, none has stayed with me. i guess, it's an inate nature in me to push people away. i guess, the one that stays will be the one. and perhaps, it all boils down to me, having to make the effort to adapt to new things. i will not try anymore. i'm very tired, playing the guessing game. perhaps, i can set my mind at ease right now. irritating.

and its very childish to try and convey msg through msn. guys. they are just stupid.

oh wells, i'm bias and a bitch. live with it.

it's raining these few days... sighs... feeling a tad bit cold in the office. some musings on my part i guess. i'm not experiencing the joy that i suppose i should have. i think i'm really destined to be alone. don't really like the idea of someone knowing lots of stuff about me, i guess, perhaps need some getting used to? and i don't even know if i want it?

no matter what others say, i guess, ultimately, its what i feel. i think its quite clear on my part. i don't want any emotional attachments right now. as for sending out the wrong signals? well, i don't see any problems in that. haha. i'm not the one who is initiating everything.

and no matter how similar u want us to be, there are many differences. i think for me, it's basically east vs west. i identify that right away, and usually, most guys fail this test. so, nothing much to say, except that, u are a really nice person. am i confused? not really. perhaps, i need to practise how to reject in a nice way.

just had a chat with rebecca. perhaps, i guess, i'm just someone who doesn't appreciate things. i like being alone. hate committments. haha, perhaps that's just the answer to everything. oh wells.

damn the office internet. it's so slow!! i can't check the elections' results. aargh! haha, i'm even more excited about it than my own elections. oh wells, u know the drill.

ps, so sorry that we couldn't meet yesterday. hope that u enjoy your taiwan trip. a much needed trip, i believe, which will rejuvenate u... take care and have fun!!

managed to went for a jog yesterday. sighs, getting fatter day by day! aargh! i hate staying in office and getting fat, really wonder how people keep fit. go for a run after work? that works if one is not feeling too tired about it. sighs...

the train ride to work in the morning is aargh!! i can't understand why some people like to squeeze inside the train when there's inadequate space!! i don't wanna touch u even if u want to. yucks.... irritating! and the most amazing thing, i was early for once in the office!! haha... was so shocked to see an empty office and empty lift. think i shall try to achieve this amazing feat once more tomorrow and enjoy my breakfast! :)

engaging in childish antics, but i can't stop myself. no excuses that i can give myself about it, but, oh wells, whatever! hahahaa...

and if u want to come and initiate talking to me, u should. because i think u know that i will approach u if u don't do anything about it. because, i'm dead t0wards it already. so it depends on u, whether u care enough. but apparently, most guys don't. so that's it i guess.

tuas, here i come next week... sighs!

today is US election day. Hope that Obama wins! McCain reminds me of the old geezers that had been running the US. It's time for some changes to be made! Especially to the foreign policy. Wish that there would be more peace around the world. Wishful thinking? Definitely. lesser fighting would be welcomed though...

caught HSM awhile ago. wow, being young is definitely something that i miss. doing stupid things like falling in love, having little worries, and simply just having fun thinking that the whole world is laid out for u. oh manz, i miss that feeling.... sighs, time can't go back, and i have to start thinking of grown-up things. it's irritating, because, some of the stuff, i can do without thinking. like paying my bills, planning my future career path and of course, finding a life partner.

right now, planning my future career path is at the top of my list. i know what i want, yet, i'm afraid to persue it. damn it, why must i be so tied down by these things, like, missing my family, being ostracised by a new environment, adapting to a new country, what job can i find overseas. but these are things that people get used to it over time. just hope that i have the courage to step out and plan it. perhaps, when things are in motion, i'll be less likely to be undecided and have the courage to step forward. another 6 months, and i'll start looking. damn the less promising economy now. be turning 23 soon. not getting any younger but older, and if i don't start planning, i'll be 30 soon, going nowhere near to fulfilling my dreams.

and my piano career, sighs, let's not talk about it, even though it's on my mind all the time. perhaps, i should just shelve if temporaily for 5 years. sighs. i don't want to give it up!!!

my bills --- it's going well, hope to pay it off soon!!

sighs, i'm tired about talking about this issue, but it seems like the easiest things to talk to your colleagues about, other than work. oh wells. since i have the intention to talk about it, here goes. i have always wondered why do people who are similar to me, doesn't really appeal to me. in work, in love. in work, i find people who are similar to me in behaviour and personality, i can't bear to speak to them. oops. haha, perhaps, i should start disliking myself? but NO! i love myself too much...! it's the same for anyone, and that makes me wonder, how do people find love? i can't possibly find someone that's like the total opposite from me? and i do enjoy talking to u, doing stuff together, but somehow, it's just wow for me and not WOOHOO!! YEAH MANZ! DAMN IT FEELS SO GOOD! at this point in time, it's not easy to relate to another person. and on an intellectual i have not find someone of the opposite sex who can yet. haha. i sound like i think of myself too high on a level. but yes, i do like people who have brains instead of brains full of themselves. and yes, many are like that.

still the same old conclusion, see how it goes. and does that equals to sending out the wrong signals? somehow, i'm past caring about that. even though i think i hurt someone before, but oh wells, he brought it on himself. haha, yes, i'm evil, but if i'm not, i'll hurt myself. and why should i?

tired. of. work. but its life, i just need to get used to it. sighs....

the previous engagement ended yesterday. lesson learnt: go home when u have nothing to do. don't even bother waiting for anyone. go home early whenever u can.

sighs, i hate it when the senior asks if i have anything on. i'm like, can't i go home to have dinner? there's nothing for me to do. why should i stay. aargh! next time, learn, have the guts to just take off.

dnd is on saturday. think i shall try to look forward to the booze, otherwise, there's nothing for me to look forward to. i hate the politics involved in the committee. simply, it's full of shitheads trying to gain recognition. do what u want guys, but don't expect the rest to follow. aargh, sux.

being forced to take leave tomorrow. sighs, it's so stupid. it ain't our fault that we were efficent in the fieldwork. forced to take leave because of that? damn. i hate it when the company is so structured that they can't be flexible enough to tolerate efficiency. and since when is efficiency a bad thing. damn.

and i realise, i really hate taking orders from people. i knew it before, but working has reinforced it. sighs, why oh why are humans such social creatures. being at home for too long, i will feel like not interacting with people. and i've mastered the art of ignoring people that i don't like to a certain extent, so, i hate having to be nice to everyone at work, when, i probably feel like ignoring them under other circumstances. damn, politics.

sighs, when will my dream be fufilled?? sighs. hate life like this.

i don't know whether to hate or love my senior. i can understand why she needs help. but i hate it when she gives me tasks that is under her jurisdiction. damn. can't even slack before my next job. aargh. yes, i should be glad that i can learn more since i'm helping her. but, i don't see the point in me doing something that i don't have all the knowledge for it. sighs. and i'm just praying that the job next week doesn't require OTs. sick and tired of it!

met up with geraldine on wednesday. what she said definitely makes sense. if i want to quit, i better quit now than fight with the next batch of fresh graduates. sighs, what do i really want to do with my life? and if i don't want to stay here, what would i do when i'm overseas? perhaps, now, i should just equip myself with the necessary skills first. in another environment, perhaps, the hours are not that long, i can bear it more.

went with j and sh to nus to catch a piano duel. wow. wow. wow. they were really great! makes me miss my piano even more. haven't been practising enough. keep going out!!! haha.... i have to sacrifice going out i guess. miss having my lessons with ms goh :(

feel like talking about u to others. but something is holding me back, which is very unusual. i guess, it's the same issue again. once bitten twice shy. haha. many of your ideas and thoughts resound with mine. haha, makes me wonder, are we too similar? oh wells, time would tell.

i guess, the strong barrier that i have isn't easy to break down. almost did recently, but it didn't turn out the way i expected. oh wells, that's life. haha. but something good came out of it. in the process of trying not to be bias, sterotyping a certain gender in a way. it's difficult not to, but i shall follow my heart for once, be less hard on u and me, and see how it goes. using the mind is easy, but dealing with the heart, that's when the whole ball game changes.

catching a movie later! hope that i don't fall asleep! haha, slept too late last night! asking my heart: why are u waiting again? it makes u happy? asking my mind: i feel sleepy, i so need to sleep. haha, guess what, the heart wins again.

gonna try to run this week.... ps!!! marathon!

so i'm back in the office after my leave. sighs, back to work again. seems like a long time since i've been back to the office. the feeling is almost surreal. nobody really cares about me in the office. i feel like running away, but, what am i going to feed on? it's been 3 months since i've started work, and i still can't get used to it. with the financial crisis around me, i sound so complacent. anyway, since when have i been worried about anything that has remotely been related to responsibility? perhaps, most of the time... haha. i must sound really contradictory. oh wells, conclusion is still the same. stick with it, see how it goes, blah blah blah...

back to a more uplifting topic! my leave!!!

thursday
went swimming and movie with my twin sis. mama mia was splendid! the flow wasn't well-executed, but i had a great time swaying to the music! went back home for dinner! haven't had dinner at home since a long long time :)

friday
went PS to catch another movie... EAGLE EYE! it was a nice thriller. funny! don't ask me why, i seem to always laugh at the action movies. an old concept told in an interesting and touching way. had lunch at manhattan fish market with twin sis and ana! wow, the life of an air stewardess is really different. i'm so jealous at the places that she has travelled to! wanted to get piano books for students. but, yamaha is seriously out-of-stocked. aargh, irritating. oh wells...
one thing: no matter how hard u try to avoid meeting someone, it's somehow in God's plan that u are to meet that person. think the decision that i've made is a good one, because, i just refuse to get sucked into silly games any more. once bitten twice shy. want an apt saying.

saturday
jogging... i'm so dead ps. our marathon is coming, need to jog more!!!

sunday
went to dye my hair. it's a shocking red. yes, i know. sighs, that wasn't the colour that the saloon show me. so dead. hope the colour drops soon. uugh. red.
anyway, my uncle is back from bangkok with baby cousin and arthur! she's so lovely.... :) and arthur, simply adorable.... miss him lots when i'm back from europe! hope that he comes back soon. sighs... first time in my life, i was able to get along so well with a kid that is below 4. hahaha :)

monday
went to catch another movie. a bimbo one. the house bunny. it was a lot of fun. brainless fun that is. haha. went to play badminton after that, and now, my whole body is aching! literally, the whole body. must be the shock of doing so many sports these few days. sighs, miss playing sports. hope that i get to go swimming this week! or jogging... haha....

i had a great time yesterday. on top of the fact that i was winning. oops! i think it might just be possible. i don't know. haven't had a friendship that is just based on getting to know one another without circumstances such as sch, exams, competiton. however, i'm not so good with meeting expectations, i'll feel like running away once people start to talk to me very often. once bitten twice shy. can't make the same mistake again. but, it's just that, i don't know what to expect. i'm a little surprised at myself that i agreed to meet u. haha, we don't really know each other i guess. getting to know u was fun, and, well, let's just see. i like this pace. whatever the outcome, u are a nice guy, so great to know u!

as for other stuff that we talked about... haha, i guess, i like to take it slow :)

sometimes, things just happen without me expecting it. the consequences, are not that hard to grapple with, it's just, a hindrance that is unnecessary. i just wish that, for once, they would understand us. not through their eyes, but our eyes. we have never been made to feel wanted at home, so, why would we do everything that u asked of us willingly? u've made your own bed, now, lie on it. don't judge our reactions through your authoritative eyes. yes, u can be mad at me, u are my father after all, and i can't control your emotions. but what makes u think that i'm gonna allow u to rant at me unfairly. u can choose to say something, so can i. it's expected that i don't agree with u, and i'm very straightfoward, i say the truth, and if u can't face up to it, that's your own problem, not mine. don't start a quarrel with me and expect me to listen to u. u can't accept the fact that i'm an adult, then that's your problem not mine.

i don't want to be rude to u. but at the hour of midnight, when i was feeling very sleepy, with some chores to do, and having the thought that i have to wake up at 615am the next day, i was, not in a good mood. and following the incident on sunday, don't expect me to listen to your ranting. why must u rant when u come home everytime? i work longer hours than u, and i don't complain. u are the who is complaining, i'm just stating facts.

i'm really tired. u want to chase me out of the house, i want to get out too. but can u accept it? i feel trapped, in a place that i don't feel wanted. u know, i just don't want to hear anymore rantings. give and take. i will not be rude to u, if u just stop ranting u know. peace and quiet when i reach home after 11pm. stop ranting yar?

i sound calm now. yes i am. i will never forget a father who doesn't turn up at my convocation. i will never forget a father who says he doesn't want to take part in my grad photo.

i will also remember a father who is at my operation 3 years ago, a father who stayed with me throughout my stay in hospital, a father who held my hand at that time, telling me to be brave. i will remember a father who read books to me when i was young.

why are things so different now? did he not grow up when we did? or did we not show enough understanding towards him?

accept it? be nice to him? but he'll never change u see? we have changed, but he never will. i want the old father back. i don't think i will get it. we compromise, but he never did.

u know that things don't really work for u when:

1. you keep snapping at people even though there's no real need to.
2. you pretend to be nice to people even though u just feel like telling them "fuck off"
3. you just want to sleep yet you are caught between wanting to do your gaming and having to wake up early for work the next day.
4. you are just sick of facing the same damn thing everyday and knowing that u have to face the same damn thing for the next 3 years or so.

sighs. i just want my life back. but, if i have a life, i have no moolahs. sighs. what a simple logic, yet so difficult to grasp. because the mind is willing to work, the heart yearns for another thing. sighs. very tired. very unmotivated.

back to the same thing. i know what i want, yet, i'm facing external pressures to not get what i want. damn.

see, i can just keep complaining about this issue and not do anything about it. and i pray that i can last for 3 years. perhaps, i should seriously consider being a teacher, since, it's still pretty much schooling hours.

i need the money, money, money. i have to constantly remind myself why am i here. money, money, money. i want to travel so bad.... i need money, money, money.

it's interesting how the topics at work remain pretty much the few usual boring ones. love, travel, food and money. oh wells, if i really want to discuss something intellectual, i probably surf the net most of the time and have an internal debate within my brain. yes, things are boring. that's why, it's amazing how i can stay awake. hahaha. perhaps, right now, i should find another job first, so i can quit and still have a life.

sighs. looking forward to my LEAVE!!!

everytime when i have the mood to blog, i would be distracted by games. oh why? haha, just cos i have not played for a long time. last week was my first offical assignment, and boy was it a tough first week. sighs, i never imagine that i would work till so late for my first assignment. 2 days till 10pm and 2 days till midnight!! it was an experience that i guess would be repeated really soon. and i even came to work on a sunday. sighs. the adrenalin rush at first was soon replaced by tiredness and me missing my bed terribly. :(

sighs, hate meeting datelines, even though there was nothing much to meet. and i get bored so easily. sighs, can't really see myself going through the same audit process over and over again. praying that i can last till i finish paying my debt!! sighs.

this 2 weeks have been really crazy. working till midnight almost everyday is no fun at all. sighs, so tiring! i can't even think properly. sighs, really hope that i have the motivation to last till it ends :( this week is especially tiring... however, i rather enjoy it....

why?! cos there's a PH! went for teacher's gathering in the morning :) it's good to catch up once in a while. though, i was too tired to want to mingle :( went shopping after that! i have to stop spending! have been buying too many clothes.... must stop! especially online spreeing! went to celebrate dad's bday after that at this wonderful place of crabs! what a delicious spread... :)

i will stop having negative thoughts towards u, and it worked! i just don't want to feel anything towards u. i'm sick and tired of trying to get worked up whenever we conversed. sick of your childish antics. sick of u trying to show-off. try it, it will work.... just don't feel anything towards u...

working and being tired keeps my mind off things. i guess, whatever that i have done, work came at the right time. and whatever that is happening now, if it does, i'll see how it goes, though, i have not much fate in this kind of things...

must start running, swimming. basically exercising! and read the newspapers. miss out on so many exciting things! must catch up soon!

i have played a game that i knew i would never win. yet, i still continued with it. oh wells, lesson learnt. do not play with fire, or u end up getting burnt. the degree of my burns are not that serious, but, i do not wish to dwell on it any longer.

perhaps, i'm just someone, who doesn't like people to make use of me. yes, who likes to be made used of? my point is, if i don't get your intentions, i rather choose to go.

i went to church yesterday. and i was so stupid. all the time, i thought i was on the right path. my focused path. even when i veered off track so much, i failed to notice. but, i'm back now. with God, who keeps me safe and secure. that's all i need right now. hopefully, i'll get to go to church regularly, and keep nonsense out of my life.

my parents came back yesterday! ah, back to my life of rules and regulations. last week, i was busy doing chores. it reinforce my belief of hiring help in future. hate doing chores.

hope to meet my friends soon. i miss u ps.... catch up soon alright? :) haha, we need to train for the marathon!!!

have the day off for piano today. what a lucky breather :) however, went back for some makeup lessons. students have exams again soon. seems like i don't really have a down period. haha, could do with the down period, so i don't have to be constantly on alert for my students...! oh wells...

was having flu in the morning. or rather, thought was having my usual sinus.... was having a drippy nose throughout the train ride. i must have looked a sight! really couldn't be bothered about it. was having trouble keeping my puffy eyes open. and my nose was really terribly drippy when teaching my students. sigh, feel quite bad. hope i didn't pass anything to them. guess what, i have a full-blown fever right now. :( have not been so sick for a long time, sighs, forgotten how weak one can be. hope that the sickness persists till monday so i can go and get MC. hahaha.... ok, that's really terrible of me. sighs. spoilt my plans of swimming and jogging. damn.

went for jc class outing yesterday. think the last time that i saw them was 2 years ago. it's really a different kind of interaction between them and the uni ppl. for once, i've forgotten how english they are. haha. and i have a tendency to speak to RV ppl in mandarin. oops. it's nice, but i was too tired to really interact much. it's nice to just observe ppl though. guys will always be guys. gals, quiet ones are still quiet. haha. some changes though. glad i went though... had a chance to drink... :) wonder, did the late nights caused me to be sick.... haha...

and gals, will always muse about romantic developments. :) interesting to see how things go.

ok, i need to rest....

damn. so far, you are the only guy who can make me cry almost instantly. i wonder, why am i so affected by you. perhaps, the guilt trip works pretty well. i hate it, when you choose not to understand me, but, enforce your own ideals and beliefs on me. it's just so irritating and pointless. why can't u just understand that things don't always have to go your way. damn it.

i miss my piano so bad. didn't really want to leave it once i started practising yesterday. i hate myself for wanting to cry because i can no longer do the things i want to do. why is it so hard just to do the things that i really want to do. i hate being conformed to social pressures. and why is it that i know what i want yet i don't go about getting it. it's because, i lack the so-called damn thing - courage.

why can i be so fearless at times, yet when it comes to my life, i just lack the courage to pursue what i want. sometimes, i wonder, is all this strong persona just a fake front. i know ppl think i'm fake, but, i don't really want to bother about it. i've always wondered why am i like that. the answer that i came up with, perhaps, i just don't really like ppl to see my real self. which brings down to another topic, are there many things to hide? i don't know. just that, i've been so used to this part of me that i don't think i can change myself. the thing is, i just don't like to have to pretend so much when i don't at comfortable environments and places. perhaps, i just need to get used to this whole damn office thing.

seems like many things attributed to my breakdown yesterday. have not cried for a long time, and, sighs, i think, i really miss my piano. sighs.

27/8/08
finally had a chance to blog. this week has been a busy one. with my students exams coming up, wow, don't really have a chance to breathe. just hope that all of them pass with flying colours! :)


managed to catch up with hm, hq and wx yesterday... we had dinner at a french restaurant... the food is rather different.... then we had really nice ice cream at the creamery...! teh tarik ice cream... superb!! really miss talking to them. it seems like nowadays, all the topics revolved around finding a partner.

wanted to blog initially on that day. haha, at work, nonetheless, i was distracted by internet surfing... work is boring now. everyone tells me to enjoy it while i can. but, i can't really do the stuff that i want to do in co, so, doesn't really make a difference. but, i realise, online msn can be really addictive... haha... so if u do see me online during office hours, really, come talk to me, instant replied almost guranteed :)

many surprises this week. sometimes, it's the little things that catch u offguard that makes life so much sweeter. :) wondering why am i so stupid sometimes. doing the things that i don't like, yet, the things that i like, i don't indulge in it enough. aargh! i used to enjoy using the computer, even for the whole day. now, it's like, i've gotten my wish finally. but, haha, i rather rest my eyes these days....

my students are taking exams today. wishing them all the best! hopefully, all of them will give me the result that i want them to have :)

just gotten the news from my team mate that my engagement is postponed to 2 weeks later. more time for slacking in the office. aargh. i just can't stand doing nothing. i rather go running, swimming, movies... many many things... since i've more free time, i should get my butt down to some serious piano practising and also, exercising! yes, dear ps, let's run the marathon by then at full speed and energy and most important of all, stamina!

was just talking to this guy fren of mine. so, guys do categorise girls into different categories, ie, sweet-looking, demure-looking, independent, etc... so, that's really no different from us. haha. and, it's not a surprise that most guys are looking for sweet-looking, motherly kinds. expectations, why are they just so predictable. haha. perhaps, all singaporean guys have a common trait, predictability. or does that apply to all? perhaps, in their dictionary, the goal that they have in finding a partner is one that can be a mother to their children. haha.

sighs, meaningless life....

i heard a piece of stunning news today. my piano student, of 11 years old, has a girlfriend for a year. i'm shocked, seriously... it really brought me some new insights of how the young are viewing relationships. i thought of my childhood(not so long ago! haha), it was all so innocent... everyone's basically my friend. of course, there are all those teasing. and he even showed me her gf's pic on his handphone. my oh my.... i thought he was trying to impress me, but, his sister looked so serious. well, there's something new to discover everyday...

i've honestly underestimated the impact of my actions. i thought it would not affect me that much, but, the results showed otherwise. erasing someone from your life doesn't take much. deleting someone from your handphone list, msn list, friendster list, facebook listing, etc. pretending that the person doesn't exist, simply, doesn't take much. but, the memories will always come back whenever u are at a place that means alot to you. those memories, just refuse to go away. time will make them go away, and by then, i hope that i will think of u less often.

my heart feels heavy nowadays. i know the reason why. but i must stick to what i've started with. what can i do? i want to stop playing, no point in misleading you and me. sighs...

the piano exams are arriving. can't wait for it to be over...! hope that all my students pass. i have some doubts, but being a teacher, i can only hope and pray for the best :)

been complaining much about ppl recently. returning back to a not-so-pleasant me in the past. i will try to control, but sometimes, ppl do things to irritate me, and, i just can't help but let out steam. aargh! and, also, i want to improve myself, most of all, feel some motivation to work hard instead of thinking of slacking all the time. yay! no engagements for 2 weeks, will be able to be let off early! i must enjoy these 2 weeks. really.

hope to catch up with my sisters, friends. :)

相信 - 孙燕姿

突然觉得我只是一个人
有点孤单浅浅的忧郁
我不知道明天会不会很美丽
虽然今天天很蓝 而云很白 风很凉
今天日记空白没有关系 不必每件事情都在意
不想工作 不想困扰自己 不必刻意想你
该是我的总会来 就算挑战 我不走开
一点点你的微笑 已经让我觉得温暖
我还不懂坚持 正好让我 学会去爱
我曾经看见困难 变得胆小 不够勇敢
但还是要相信 相信感觉 相信简单
有一天 等我懂得现实也许更灰心
至少现在让我去相信 哦
我还是会相信 相信感觉 相信简单

was returning home these days, i felt very old suddenly. i don't know why, but the feeling just overcame me, making me think, is this what i'm going to feel from now on? neverending work responsibilities, neverending demands, neverending obligations. sometimes, i just wish i possess the courage to let my emotions show, to present what i really feel. but, being social creatures, we usually just control everything.

good things are coming by next week. gonna meet up with my sec sch frens! can't wait... :)

so many things that i want to do, yet, simply, there's no time. i will even want to sleep more instead of doing fun things. damn, i'm really getting old.

some things need to be done. perhaps, after all, i'm really too practical for my own good. after interaction with colleagues my batch, i realise that all of us are really practical. the degree of it, varies of course, but we all are. so being practical beings, and being subjected to social judgement, i choose to do things that need to be done. because, i think, u don't know what u want. the noble me wants to think that i'm doing it for your own good. partly, but, for selfish reasons, i think, all things come to an end. the impact on me, i don't know yet, but, simply, it'll be good for u.

i seldom care about what people think about me. in the personal sense. and u are no exception. when i care, which only happens once so far, it probably means something more.

this week, is quite eventful for me. many things happen, yet, luckily, i was able to discard it aside. i don't really want to think about it.

back to boring training. perhaps, when there's more time, i'll be able to get away from my tv and bed to use the com. :)

feeling tired during the weekend, guess that i must sleep everyday... sighs... working really makes me wonder, where do i find the time to enjoy life.... there's so many things that i want to do, yet, i can't seem to find the time to complete it.

finally! managed to get to the arcade.... haha, really miss it. though, the feeling is different, in a different kind of situation. somehow, the feeling of abandonment is gone. sighs, don't think i will ever feel that kind of freedom again.

welcome to the working adult world. suddenly, i see a lot of different sides to ppl. sometimes, i do wonder, which is the real side to a person. but then, the naive me will always want to see the better side of a person. so, if i do complain about it in future, remind me again, why am i just so easily trusting of what others say at face value. perhaps, just a part of me that doesn't want to grow up yet. sighs.

and i wonder, why do ppl always think too much and see too deep in certain things. when actually, it meant nothing. on saying that, i should stop playing. can't help it though. certain measures that i can take, yet, i can't stop myself. i know i'm being very selfish and bad, but, just can't help it! i'm bored, i think??

and it's funny how serious ppl can or cannot take the dating game. once again, welcome to the world of dating. interesting developments are yet to come or not. we shall see... :)

monday blues are just around the corner :(

training is alright for now. feeling the heat though, when the trainers played out reel-life senarios for us to react. it was quite stressful, as i don't really know how to behave and ask the right questions. it reminded me about school for a while. sighs, it's really difficult to walk out from one competitive environment to another. however, i guess, the competition faced is of a different kind now. i have never thought of outshining anyone, so, yeah, kind of a wrong environment for me i guess. however, i do want to achieve my best in anything i do, so that's not too bad i guess. just don't want to do the things i'm forced to forever.

the challenge for me right now is to juggle work, piano teaching, learning and practising. it ain't as hard as i thought. it just is much harder. sighs, i really miss my piano, but, there's nothing i can do. hearing horror stories of how late we have to work really sends shivers down my spine. everything is within expectations of course, but, i like to thing that things are not as tough as i thought. i'll just have to take each step as it goes. but, i'm really prepared for a no life siim ann for at least 3 years. sighs, can u imagine? i don't even have time to catch a movie! aargh...

have u ever wondered what it's like to fall for someone who is attached. haha, it's painful for sure. so, i do have to learn from my lesson, and remind myself, don't feel and do things on impulse. it'll come back to haunt me for sure. haha.... dear, u don't have time anyway :P

was asking my training colleagues today, will they ever date someone who smokes? all of them gave a vehement NO! wasn't that surprised. but was rather taken aback when one of them ask me why did i ask that question.... haha... then i followed up with, what if the person quit for u? some said no, and some said, then we'll see.... when i was asked in turn, i said, well, i can consider, cos it's rather sweet.

sighs, must study for the assessment on friday. hope i pass well...

my voice sounds real sexy. haha. it's from the redbox singing for about 7 hours. it was fun, hearing the "old" guys sing. laughing along with the gals... wonder when will the next opportunity come where we just basically have crazy fun.

how was training? the positive me started to feel a little enthusiastic when i arrived at the airport. however, there's not much fun in seeing the people that i have seen for the past 3 years. i mean, the feelings are the same, the expectations don't really differ, sighs, what's new? i start to ask myself...

training is boring. i mean, i rather learn on the job. but being a big company, they probably think the seniors have no time. sighs, i hope everything went in even though i was trying so hard not to sleep. the assessment next week, hopefully it's not too difficult. sighs.

i keep sighing. i don't know if my expectations are too high. i find the people boring. to a certain extent, all i keep hearing is food food and more food. they are nice, no doubt, just.... sighs.... perhaps, i really do expect too much. anyway, not really thinking too much, just live each day as it comes. and hope that i do not offend anyone, and if i do, i don't really want to care anymore. and to u, perhaps, find your own style and stop copying mine in your manner of speaking. its very irritating. i don't mind u talking negative stuff about me, just find your style alright.... damn annoying.

it's very true how work takes your mind off things. training makes me forget about my own problems for a while. which is good, i need to forget about unhappy stuff, even for a while.

sighs, i wonder, if i have the courage to pursue my own dream. it seems like i'm trapped and i can't get out of my own melodramatic mood right now, or rather, these few days. sighs.

and i want to go to the arcade.

the last day of freedom is definitely a bittersweet one. wondering what should i do? but there's still lots of packing to be done. i feel really reluctant to pack my luggage. perhaps, once it's packed, everything is set and done, and i cannot escape anymore. it's really easy to escape, running away from reality. these few days have been great ones! been thinking how sucky work is definitely helps. i made myself really abhor the idea of working. but then, the truth is, i need to work. i need the moolahs. sighs. perhaps, that's really a strong motivation. many debts to clear :(

a little excited at what the next week will bring, in the sense that, i really thrive on a suitable environment. however, i have my doubts on my working environment, however, i have a tendency to see the good in everything, so, i guess, this is no different. i hate the idea of wallowing in self-pity, though trying hard to see the positive side in everything is like self-deluding, at least, it's better than living in misery everyday. sighs....

sighs. i'm really lousy at rejecting people. my heart softens easily once a person starts to tug at my heart strings. have to resolve it soon :( shouldn't make life difficult for myself....

sighs, keep thinking of playing at the arcade. :( i should grow up soon i guess. arcade is such a good place for escapism. killing those zombies really makes my day. anyone who is keen to go, please ask me! haha.... well, at least something to look forward to my mundane life.

guess the first thing that i will miss once i'm 0verseas is my piano. can't wait to be back to feel the ivory keys beneath my fingers once again :) sighs. can't wait to come back soon :(

keep sighing. sighs. praying for a better next week. i really should thinking so much about things. even though i can cancel everything out relatively easy, i shouldn't even go to that extent of making myself miserable :( sighs.

and i wish simply, don't hide things from me. sighs.

had a lovely day with my grandma and sister when we went to the flower exhibition at suntec city! many flowers.... haha.... one of my favourite things in the world... i just love seeing flowers... it got a little tiring at the end, my legs were absolutely killing me!! nevertheless, it was a nice day :)

few days left to freedom... sighs.... work is starting soon... sighs... the thought of meeting new people is kind of exciting, but, why oh why, am i still sighing... sighs....

i'm addicted to playing arcade games! oh my.... at this age and time.... haha....

some pictures at the exhibition!

it took me half a day to figure out what u were driving at last night. i must be really dense or the recent inactivity on my brain has really caused me to be incapable of thinking properly. haha. no matter what, nothing is gonna make me change my stance or mind on what i feel right now. the protective layer i had successfully wrapped around myself for the past year ain't gonna melt away just because what u said make sense. sometimes, even the most rational and logical response warrants illogical and irrational thoughts just so to keep out irritating thoughts and unnecessary heartaches.

i've finally figured out what i feel for u. it is a huge sense of relief because i've been too confused by recent going-ons that my judgement has been clouded. i think it's time that i face up to reality instead of trying to hold on to the unthinkable. it is too selfish that the "whatever" side of me can't even compromise with it. oh wells, another issue closed. :)

it's a tiring day today. went swimming and arcade! haha, didn't realise that at this ripe old age i can still enjoy arcade games. perhaps, it's all because of my parents who didn't believe in bringing us to the arcade to play when we were young! haha, trying to find my childhood now.

went prawning yesterday. didn't had much luck in catching one :( oh wells, prawning is not really for me, since, i don't really have much patience for doing nothing.... :)

final week of freedom. gonna try to enjoy it, in spite of the anticipation of work next week :(

some pictures from my convocation!

lovely rose from my sis :)


mom and sis:)


best friends of all time! hm and hq!



desmond! lovely surprise to see u there!


unclelemon!
oon tang! pri sch fren!! it's a long long time :)


group mates of the year!


5 lovely gals :)

hat throwing! finally!

peishan:)

eight of us.mag:)

To Be With You - Mr Big.

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

one of my favourite song of all time :) the words are so simple, yet, went right through to a person. no matter what happens, one is not alone. there will always be someone to walk the journey with you, either good or bad ones. why cry for the one u lost? instead, be glad that the one you lost has not destroyed u yet, because, he made u stronger for the next one :)

i do not know you. yet, i feel for you. i have been on your side through this whole mess. girl power rules. been through, done that. no guy is worth your tears. the tears will fall, but they will stop one day. rejoice when that day comes. meanwhile, go through life knowing that u have so much more than him to live for. no matter what u have done, it's all in the past. let go. it's hard, who says giving up someone is easy? but it can be done. if he loves u, he will come back. if he's not trying, it shows alot, and u should not bother anymore.

heartfelt words from someone who is always supportive of guys who treat gals badly :)

no matter how hard i try to think that i'm not a substitute, i can't. perhaps, that's not your intention, but that's how i infer. oh wells, be there and done that. no one can make me something i'm not. i've started this game, and i can stop. it's been fun, but, perhaps, i'm just bored. yes, i'm hard-hearted. because,

1. guys lie to u all the time. they can't be trusted.

2. they hide things from u and expect you to be there for them all the time.

3. since guys can do it, so can i.

4. guys find substitute, just to allay their insecurities. why should u be the one to be the substitute?

5. at the end of the day, guys will disappear once their confidence have been built up by u.

6. screw guys.

F.I.R - 我们的爱

回忆里想起模糊的小时候
云朵漂浮在蓝蓝的天空
那时的你说　要和我手牵手
一起走到时间的尽头

从此以后我都不敢抬头看
彷佛我的天空失去了颜色
从那一天起　我忘记了呼吸
眼泪啊永远不再　不再哭泣

我们的爱　过了就不再回来
直到现在　我还默默的等待

我们的爱　我明白　已变成你的负担
只是永远　我都放不开　
最后的温暖　你给的温暖

不要再问你是否爱我　现在我想要自由天空
远离开这被捆绑的世界　不再寂寞

was listening to this song while having my daily walk. it reminded me of the MV i saw recently when i was at kbox. it was very touching. the love between two, once lost, will never come back. it left one party waiting silently for something that never can be. in the MV, it was about life and death. on a lighter note, ain't that true about most couples. the love lost, amidst anger and betrayal, will never be forgiven, unless one can overlook the mistakes of the other. this kind of love is truly noble and is what i called real love. however, it is only often seen in movies. in reality, true love only occurs when one go through sickness with their loved ones. have witnessed some of these moments, and it is truly unforgettable and heart-wrenching.

really tired today... felt very drained.... today is convocation day, finally, the day where i can wear the "four-sided" hat and feel proud of myself. somehow, i'm rather neutral about it. my spirits were lifted mildly when i went to cut my hair, iron my clothes, getting ready. the feeling of rejoice only hit me when i saw hm and hq, where we really took funny pics... haha, and saw some familiar faces which lighted up my day....

all in all, thoughts of finally being able to wear the hat.

i don't know, simply. it signifies another phase of my life. my career. if only i'm walking into a path where i know i'll be happy, probably, i feel more alive by it. nothing is certain, what makes me think that this current path i've chosen will not make me happy? because, i guess, people makes a big difference. i was just looking back into my university life, wondering what happy memories i have, and it took me quite a while to conjure up a satisfying picture. was i asking to much? or have i not grown up to accept the nasty of reality? perhaps, from all the things i think that makes me unhappy, my expectations were too high, those things doesn't make me unhappy, i was looking for far too much?

but then, it didn't really take much for me to answer what makes my uni life so memorable. the people i meet, definitely. internship was a very fun and happy time for me. meeting down-to-earth people, though very little, makes me feel as though all is not lost in the process of growing up and acknowledging realities of life.

seeing different people today brings back different memories and thoughts. primary sch friends, sec sch friends, jc friends and uni friends. some ppl come back with different status. oh wells, seeing more couples does make me feel a little lonely. and this also signifies acknowledging that things are gonna change drastically soon. i really feel old. oh wells, everything is in God's hands.

sometimes i wonder, what others really think of me. have not been thinking about that in a long time. the introvert me will always be taken over in social events. i've become very bubbly and cheerful. not that it's bad, sometimes, people will think u are being fake by over-reacting. saw it in an episode of ANTM cycle 10. thinking about it, it's gonna be more tiring when working. caring so much about how others see me, makes life seems so mundane and meaningless. living for others. ugh....

anyway, happy bday mom! hope u like the fish & co dinner!

gonna start work in 2 weeks :( hope that the overtly pessimistic me has been thinking too much negative thoughts. things will always turn out for the better!

post pics after sis is done....!

Try it! It's eerily true...

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

dear ps! miss u sorely.... wishing you all the best in mfa... let me know when u are out of work and we'll chill before all the whirlwind of school and work gets in the way... and also, don't think too much alright... life's good for you right now and i love to hear from you about *winks* take care!

today is a day of chores. haha, have not mopped the floor for a long time. it doesn't really help that i have a middle finger which seems to be sprained. and of all fingers.... life really works out interesting doesn't it. hope it doesn't get any worse. don't relish the thought of visiting the doc. my dislike for the doctors have not really gone away... hopefully, my piano playing doesn't get affected :(

disappointed in my friends. i guess, it's really the end for us. both of us played a part and i know that u don't see it that way. sighs, i have been blocking thoughts about u for about a month, and i have to face up to reality about it. sighs, does our friendship have what it takes to go through this rough patch? somehow, i don't think so. missing u? yes, definitely, a little. we've been friends for so long. God will show the way if this friendship is meant to last.... have faith, it's all that i have to do actually. as for u, hope that things work out for u in the long run. your life, career and friends :)

was writing in my physical diary today. it suddenly struck me that women are funny creatures. no matter how much a strong front that they present, inside is a vulnerability that is easily shaken by people. many have told me that i have the courage to stand up for myself, am determined, essentially, characteristics that attribute to strength. in spite of what i tell people, i have allowed this vulnerability to be shaken recently. whether by purpose or not, it has happened. oh wells, it's time that i learn my lesson once again from recent events. it's so easy to let one's emotions overwhelm and feel things that one doesn't normally feel. it's time to rearrange myself once again and be the person that i was not so long ago.

and i wonder, why did i ever put faith into you? anyone can be foolish, i'm no exception.

courage, many lack this. courage to admit that you are wrong. courage to apologize when you are in the wrong. courage, to admit your doings/wrongdoings. courage to say that one have insulted another. i've learnt this the hard way. perhaps, through maturity and experience, one can then build up and possess this courage. and i forget because i still can't believe how i allow myself to be swept into all these. as for me, i lack the courage to say i need your friendship, because, you have always shaken this vulnerability of mine. oh wells, as i said, i can also learn again.

another disappointment. i'll live.

extremity. singaporeans always have the inclination to see things this way. well, for matters of the heart, i do that too. haha, i'm human. other things, what can i say? we are in singapore.

expectations about responses have been met. my personality of being an analytical thinker has its merits. haha, yup, obviously, it's laughable.

next week promises to be a busy one :) good, i need some positive distractions in my life.

God Bless. :)

been pms-ing lately. feeling that i'm constantly in a bad mood. sighs, and i'm being too impatient to be students. sorry helen and matthew, i know that i'm not being the nicest teacher around lately. will try to be nicer next week. perhaps, the idea of work looming is taking a toll on me:(

yesterday was a tiring day. went to jb to eat and shop! haha.... ate lunch at kenny rogers. yum... after that, went shopping! bought 2 tops, a bag and a shop. it's official, i'm broke! sighs. seeing many nice things, but lack the financial capability to buy. it's not a nice feeling. i'll just have to wait for my first pay... sighs, what a long wait.... haha... for dinner, we went to this road side to eat sambal sotong, stingray and lala!!! my favourite is the sotong! haha... ate prawn mee, popiah and also oyster omelette! it's been a long time since the family went out together... nice.... :)

went swimming with the sisters today. very tired... need to rest... :)

i seem to always blog on a saturday. perhaps, need to release much added-on steam my students had given me during the day. also, having a bad sore throat. don't know if it's sore throat, but it just itches like crazy and i seem to be developing a cough :( sighs, hope it goes away soon.... nice day today though... aunt bl treated us to jap food! thanks :) also we managed to buy mom's bday present. and she likes it! cool!

had a nice dream last night, in fact, all of my dreams came true. kind of sucky for reality? because, dreams don't come true. oh wells, i can hope can't i??

have a nice week this week. went out to collect my stuff for convocation. met up with jy and wy. i've always enjoyed chatting to wy, somehow, this down-to-earth gal had the effect of opening my heart to sharing my complaints, opinions and musings about life. gal, life is very short, learn to live it to your own happiness :)

met up with gera after that. hmm, nice time catching up! it's always great to meet up and chat about family, friends, life and people. work life has started for u, and hope that we can keep in touch here and there :)

suddenly looking forward to convocation :)

today started off sleepy. i've purposely slept early, yet, still felt so sleepy. really wondering how am i gonna adapt when work starts :( sighs. many readings await me, but, i still can't get the drive and motivation to start reading them.

went to vch to catch a pianist, Christoper Taylor performing Goldberg Variations, BWV 988 by Bach. it was a wonderful peace. the theme resonate throughout the whole performance, and it was splendid. the second one wasn't so wonderful. perhaps, i need to learn to appreciate a seemingly calm variation without many changes in between. nevertheless, it has sparked off my interest and also motivation to go to more performances and concerts :)

more often than not, i keep thinking about my future. wondering, what will happen to me. not in the melodramatic sense, rather, do i want to be stuck here, in singapore, never accomplishing my dreams. i also thought of the courage that i need to possess to escape from here. i've never doubted the safeness of my country, my family and friends. but, there seems much to offer in life than staying here. always, the pasture is greener on the other side. but, if i don't venture out, will i ever know that the grass is the greenest in singapore?

i've never ever given you a chance before. however, after i came back from europe, i have been thinking about us, what u say. and i'm starting to care for you, looking forward to chatting with you. things and actions that i've never experience in a while. giving expectations is something that i will never do (once bitten twice shy), but somehow, i'm hopeful once again. hopeful that, perhaps, you can give me the courage to leave here, and pursue my dreams. i'm afraid, i might not have the courage once the expiry date i have given myself arrived.

thoughts. thinking far too much again. has not happened for a long time. good though. i need to think...

overall view of paris


the ticket says it all, the louvre!


some pieces from the louvre!

paintings!

ancient egyptian stonestained glass
Maman by Louise Bourgeois, famous sculpture....

night view of paris

just thought to share some pictures :)

Had a lovely day with ps today. We must not be too lazy the next time! great time catching up :)

More pictures below!


Pont du Gard, my favourite place in Avignon

Beside Pompidou center, a lovely fountain


Basilique du Sacré-Cœur

One of the many parks in London! Look at how lovely the tulips are!! :) My love in the middle, ain't he so adorable?? :)

piano teaching. seems that i get rather worked up over it whenever the exams are near. especially, whenever i have non-cooperative students :( sigh. it's always a cycle. not that i'm that unhappy, it's just the kind of things that i can do without. and, the irritating thing is, it always happens near the exams period!

i have been giving u time to consolidate your thoughts, and i'm glad that things are fine for u. i have been looking for a sense of closure for some time, and, when i couldn't, i find myself being very nasty to u. haha. but it's over now, and the peace that i have now, it's very comforting. perhaps, i'm really that kind of person who doesn't like to keep any pages unturned, any chapters incomplete.

losing a fren, well, who doesn't care for what i feel. realise it only recently, when the quarrel, escalated into something major. all the time, i have been careful of what i portrayed in case, u get hurt. but when the ball is in my court, u don't care. so much for the friendship, huh?

many things to look forward the next week.... can't wait! kbox, outings with friends, swimming! bring it on!!! :)

some pictures from europe :)

france alps!




Saint Jean Cap Ferrat - Villa Ephrussi de Rothschild

my uncle's house! facing the mountains!



french rivierafirst time on a carousel

upload more next time!

suddenly, it just dawned on me. that i shouldn't become someone that comes online for a reason. where, the reason is a person specifically. i cannot ever fall into this trap again. i reminded myself today once again.

oh wells, the scent of romantic interest has been picked up by me. whether it's my imagination or otherwise, it certainly brought some excitement into my life right now. but, i can't let it overwhelm me, that's definitely dangerous, at least for me. haha. see how it goes, though, i'm just a little more than pessimistic regarding romance. don't think i will ever waver my decision not to fall in love that easily just yet. it's not the right time.

sex and the city was splendidly fabulous! a movie not to be missed! brings a lot of truths that are often ignored. ps, it's great to see you again.... let's meet up soon!

europe, should be talking about it, haha, kind of lazy to blog.... what can i say, next time i guess.... haha....

frustrated by things. any relationships are not easy to manage. yet, humans are social creatures. it's so complex. damn, and so far, the most challenging relationships that i've faced are family ones. finding myself affected by things, people. when, i usually forget them relatively easily. oh wells, one can't really stop the mind from wandering if the thoughts just come to me. sometimes, all of us must learn to let go better. i can do it, but learning to let go is not as easy as it sounds. i've always live by the policy of letting people do what they want, live how they want, as long as they are not hurting anyone. it's not as easy as it sounds as, but i can do it. and the point is, i realise i've let go at this point already. so, if others really want to nitpick at things, thinking that life is really pathetic for them, and everyone is at fault but themselves, i can only respect the decision that they have made. no matter what, it's a free country.

sighs, piano students, can't they just practise for once?

have to get my motivation for piano playing back. it's really not there right now :(

concovation is just a month and half away. don't even know what am i looking forward to anymore... life goes on, with a purpose, i've to find mine?

it seems as though all the thoughts i had in mind had disappeared. oh wells.... been away for quite a while, to be exact, 4-5 weeks. the first 3 was in europe, while the next 10 days were in australia. different places, different feelings. let's deal with the most recent one first:

australia.

we were in darwin and melbourne. darwin, i enjoyed the quietness. it was unlike singapore of course, a little town, with a small population. it's a pity that i didn't get to go around more places while i was there. perhaps, one day, but maybe not, many other places to visit.

melbourne, a bustling city. the shops close too early for my liking. well, different city, different culture. the first thing that struck me was the squareness of the city. everything street is well-labeled and organised. perhaps, a little too straight for my liking. but then, i feel right at home there, probably because of the vast asian population there. things are expensive there of course, oh wells, didn't have much time to explore the city throughly too. that's also a pity. will i return? hard to say, many other places to visit as well. haha. there's always many other places to visit.

expectations

perhaps, my expectations from the trip was very high. i thought that this is a group trip. since everyone agreed to go on the trip, there should be the effort to interact and make it a group thing, without any complicated relationship entanglements. as usual, i'm wrong. it was fun during the start, fun doesn't usually last. it was obvious that not everyone share my thoughts. people usually like to stick with what they know and am comfortable with, i can't argue with that. at least, i made the effort. even if nothing comes out of it, i've tried, and i can live with that. i'm idealistic, wanting the best, but it didn't materialise, but i've tried. once, i left, and i thought, it was a wrong decision. so, i try again now. it reaffirms the decision that i've made the first time i guess. it's time for me to acknowledge the truth that not everyone can hang around one another. perhaps, that's another facet of life that i have to learn.

perhaps, my actions also depict otherwise? sighs, what to do, can't really know what others think about me unless they say?

it's really great to be able to talk to you again. i really feel very comfortable around you. one of the few that i can share my thoughts as it is. i just don't understand, and till this day, i have not figured it out. there's this invisible barrier between us that always appear now and then. we don't really talk about it, yet, after a long period of not talking, we can still talk comfortably. i probably gave more thought to this friendship than i thought, and yet, things are always bumpy for us. move on. these 2 words seem equally hard for both of us. minor and seemingly unimportant things always magnify in my actions to u and vice versa. perhaps, that's the invisible barrier that is not worked out yet. competition? comparison? well, one day, God will show me the light of this friendship.

so, life, is really not a bed of roses. 2 more months of rest before starting work. have many things to sort out, basically, what i wanna do with my life. talk about my europe trip in the next entry. tired.... so long....