flash back

anyone can be an actor. well, everyone is an actor. it really depends on how well one can act. we must really reward ourselves for acting so well.... however, it all boils down to only one thing. nobody cares anymore.

we have a history behind us. try as we might, it is hard to erase it totally away, and at once. i'm speaking for myself. i've learnt the hard way. it is impossible to take something away totally, but let time heal everything. be patient, and one day, everything will be fine again. what's the point in crying over spilt milk? nobody is willing to do something about it, everyone has stopped caring already. is it the road that we are heading when we embarked on this journey? lately then not, i've been questioning everyone's intentions. that is what happen when i'm alone at home most of the time. i welcome this solitude. have been missing it for a while. no expectations to face, just my own. who am i kidding? nobody can survive totally alone, but perhaps, i can, for a while.... facing up to the decisions i have made, accepting the consequences, relishing in what has been already done.

is this it? when one has managed to forget another totally? i don't know... i'm still waiting for that apology which i know will never come. perhaps, waiting is the wrong context. u owe me an apology i guess. i have been trying so hard to reconcile what u feel, what i feel, what is right and what is wrong. in the end, i'm facing it all alone, the catalyst to my decision? peishan says that my tolerance level is very high. haha, i do not deny it, it's pretty high, well, what's done has been done. i should stop running away and face up to these issues in my life.

once, everyone avoided each other, shying away from prevalent issues, trying to not create trouble? i'm the rebellious child, making things difficult for everyone, which, perhaps, is just my voice crying out, "pls, take a look at me. not everything is fine." maybe i should have make things clearer? but that's just not me, and i don't think that i should change so much just because i'm not accepted. once, i can change the way i am. i'm willing to change for the person i love, the people i care about, till i realise, that nobody is willing to do that for me. now, everyone has become the happy family, because, they are tired, and wants to be together. as the rebellious child, i'm happy for them. perhaps, the happy family can truly share, rejoice together over ups and downs without feeling the shadow of the rebellious child. people are selfish, including myself. still trying to protect myself from all that could hurt me.

expiry dates. everyone talks about them. perhaps, it just came sooner then expected. if God allows me to forgive and forget everything that has happened, in the blink of the eye, i would have already done so. however, i just could now, no matter how hard i try. i have stopped trying, surrendered to God, to give me the peace and calm. i have the tranquility. just need the heart to forgive and forget. once again, it is time. time is still the ultimate remedy...

sigh, doing PA report.....