a sudden urge

it's sort of in the middle of the night and i suddenly feel very much like blogging. haha. been feeling pretty good these few days. perhaps, the cloud of gloom has gone away and i can smile easier now. right now, many projects suddenly playing the catching game with me. sigh, i just resent projects sometimes. they are like hindering me from studying. well, 205 is gonna be down soon, which i'm so glad of. =)

206, oh wells, it's just kind of hard to do a proj when i don't really have any idea what is going on. been trying, but its really very confusing. haha, what much of a choice do i have, perhaps, just to cope with it. maybe, i'll survive fine after the storm. a little wet but not drenched. hopefully! =)

311, hmm, kind of hard to say whether it is easy or difficult for me right now. however, i'm enjoying lessons with the tutor. i can't believe it, i'm actually travelling 3 hours to have a 2 hrs lesson with him. well, i think, the tutor does really affect the interest towards a subject. it's been the case for me for the past 2 years. hopefully, this is also no exception. =)

sometimes, when i don't see, i don't remember. and when i see, i remember. a lot in fact. i keep scolding myself for being useless. it's been abt a year already, yet, i still feel some anger towards him. i guess, it's not easy to put down totally. perhaps, putting down is easy, but, totally, it's impossible. by hardening myself against whatever he stands for, the people around him, i may be able to prevent myself from softening my stance towards anything about him. perhaps, u may wonder if it is a heavy price to pay? well, i've never thought that it is, perhaps, the monster that i see in him, is able to overwhelm any other factors.

yes, i'm taking a lot of preventive measures, which, i believe, is necessary. i think it is difficult for some people to understand why is it so hard to take the tiny step out of the turtle shell and feel for another again. i don't know. for me, i just don't want to get hurt again. the need not to get hurt does really overwrite the feeling to fall in love. one may think it is stupid to have all these defences just because of one person. well, i have no answer for that, except that, it is very painful to get hurt. the ache in my hurt went away after quite some time and it is still there, perhaps, not constantly, but little waves here and then. it is enough, to remind myself, i cannot let another similar incident from happening, to get hurt again.

who doesn't want to fall in love? who doesn't want to feel protected all the time? who doesn't want to be able to depend on another person for emotional things? if i do meet someone who can give me all that, i think i'll fall in love pretty soon. but is it that easy? i know that God has the perfect person for me, perhaps, it's not the time yet. then, i shall wait for Him, to lead me to the one. be patient i guess. i've learnt not to yearn anymore. be at peace. =)

having fun with the people i'm hanging out with nowadays. we maybe be aquaintances, but, i feel happier nowadays. perhaps, we should be thankful for the little things, and not be unhappy for the things we expect but can't get.

ok, have to go to bed already! 1:43 am....