so i'm back in the office after my leave. sighs, back to work again. seems like a long time since i've been back to the office. the feeling is almost surreal. nobody really cares about me in the office. i feel like running away, but, what am i going to feed on? it's been 3 months since i've started work, and i still can't get used to it. with the financial crisis around me, i sound so complacent. anyway, since when have i been worried about anything that has remotely been related to responsibility? perhaps, most of the time... haha. i must sound really contradictory. oh wells, conclusion is still the same. stick with it, see how it goes, blah blah blah...

back to a more uplifting topic! my leave!!!

thursday
went swimming and movie with my twin sis. mama mia was splendid! the flow wasn't well-executed, but i had a great time swaying to the music! went back home for dinner! haven't had dinner at home since a long long time :)

friday
went PS to catch another movie... EAGLE EYE! it was a nice thriller. funny! don't ask me why, i seem to always laugh at the action movies. an old concept told in an interesting and touching way. had lunch at manhattan fish market with twin sis and ana! wow, the life of an air stewardess is really different. i'm so jealous at the places that she has travelled to! wanted to get piano books for students. but, yamaha is seriously out-of-stocked. aargh, irritating. oh wells...
one thing: no matter how hard u try to avoid meeting someone, it's somehow in God's plan that u are to meet that person. think the decision that i've made is a good one, because, i just refuse to get sucked into silly games any more. once bitten twice shy. want an apt saying.

saturday
jogging... i'm so dead ps. our marathon is coming, need to jog more!!!

sunday
went to dye my hair. it's a shocking red. yes, i know. sighs, that wasn't the colour that the saloon show me. so dead. hope the colour drops soon. uugh. red.
anyway, my uncle is back from bangkok with baby cousin and arthur! she's so lovely.... :) and arthur, simply adorable.... miss him lots when i'm back from europe! hope that he comes back soon. sighs... first time in my life, i was able to get along so well with a kid that is below 4. hahaha :)

monday
went to catch another movie. a bimbo one. the house bunny. it was a lot of fun. brainless fun that is. haha. went to play badminton after that, and now, my whole body is aching! literally, the whole body. must be the shock of doing so many sports these few days. sighs, miss playing sports. hope that i get to go swimming this week! or jogging... haha....

i had a great time yesterday. on top of the fact that i was winning. oops! i think it might just be possible. i don't know. haven't had a friendship that is just based on getting to know one another without circumstances such as sch, exams, competiton. however, i'm not so good with meeting expectations, i'll feel like running away once people start to talk to me very often. once bitten twice shy. can't make the same mistake again. but, it's just that, i don't know what to expect. i'm a little surprised at myself that i agreed to meet u. haha, we don't really know each other i guess. getting to know u was fun, and, well, let's just see. i like this pace. whatever the outcome, u are a nice guy, so great to know u!

as for other stuff that we talked about... haha, i guess, i like to take it slow :)

sometimes, things just happen without me expecting it. the consequences, are not that hard to grapple with, it's just, a hindrance that is unnecessary. i just wish that, for once, they would understand us. not through their eyes, but our eyes. we have never been made to feel wanted at home, so, why would we do everything that u asked of us willingly? u've made your own bed, now, lie on it. don't judge our reactions through your authoritative eyes. yes, u can be mad at me, u are my father after all, and i can't control your emotions. but what makes u think that i'm gonna allow u to rant at me unfairly. u can choose to say something, so can i. it's expected that i don't agree with u, and i'm very straightfoward, i say the truth, and if u can't face up to it, that's your own problem, not mine. don't start a quarrel with me and expect me to listen to u. u can't accept the fact that i'm an adult, then that's your problem not mine.

i don't want to be rude to u. but at the hour of midnight, when i was feeling very sleepy, with some chores to do, and having the thought that i have to wake up at 615am the next day, i was, not in a good mood. and following the incident on sunday, don't expect me to listen to your ranting. why must u rant when u come home everytime? i work longer hours than u, and i don't complain. u are the who is complaining, i'm just stating facts.

i'm really tired. u want to chase me out of the house, i want to get out too. but can u accept it? i feel trapped, in a place that i don't feel wanted. u know, i just don't want to hear anymore rantings. give and take. i will not be rude to u, if u just stop ranting u know. peace and quiet when i reach home after 11pm. stop ranting yar?

i sound calm now. yes i am. i will never forget a father who doesn't turn up at my convocation. i will never forget a father who says he doesn't want to take part in my grad photo.

i will also remember a father who is at my operation 3 years ago, a father who stayed with me throughout my stay in hospital, a father who held my hand at that time, telling me to be brave. i will remember a father who read books to me when i was young.

why are things so different now? did he not grow up when we did? or did we not show enough understanding towards him?

accept it? be nice to him? but he'll never change u see? we have changed, but he never will. i want the old father back. i don't think i will get it. we compromise, but he never did.

u know that things don't really work for u when:

1. you keep snapping at people even though there's no real need to.
2. you pretend to be nice to people even though u just feel like telling them "fuck off"
3. you just want to sleep yet you are caught between wanting to do your gaming and having to wake up early for work the next day.
4. you are just sick of facing the same damn thing everyday and knowing that u have to face the same damn thing for the next 3 years or so.

sighs. i just want my life back. but, if i have a life, i have no moolahs. sighs. what a simple logic, yet so difficult to grasp. because the mind is willing to work, the heart yearns for another thing. sighs. very tired. very unmotivated.

back to the same thing. i know what i want, yet, i'm facing external pressures to not get what i want. damn.

see, i can just keep complaining about this issue and not do anything about it. and i pray that i can last for 3 years. perhaps, i should seriously consider being a teacher, since, it's still pretty much schooling hours.

i need the money, money, money. i have to constantly remind myself why am i here. money, money, money. i want to travel so bad.... i need money, money, money.

it's interesting how the topics at work remain pretty much the few usual boring ones. love, travel, food and money. oh wells, if i really want to discuss something intellectual, i probably surf the net most of the time and have an internal debate within my brain. yes, things are boring. that's why, it's amazing how i can stay awake. hahaha. perhaps, right now, i should find another job first, so i can quit and still have a life.

sighs. looking forward to my LEAVE!!!

everytime when i have the mood to blog, i would be distracted by games. oh why? haha, just cos i have not played for a long time. last week was my first offical assignment, and boy was it a tough first week. sighs, i never imagine that i would work till so late for my first assignment. 2 days till 10pm and 2 days till midnight!! it was an experience that i guess would be repeated really soon. and i even came to work on a sunday. sighs. the adrenalin rush at first was soon replaced by tiredness and me missing my bed terribly. :(

sighs, hate meeting datelines, even though there was nothing much to meet. and i get bored so easily. sighs, can't really see myself going through the same audit process over and over again. praying that i can last till i finish paying my debt!! sighs.

this 2 weeks have been really crazy. working till midnight almost everyday is no fun at all. sighs, so tiring! i can't even think properly. sighs, really hope that i have the motivation to last till it ends :( this week is especially tiring... however, i rather enjoy it....

why?! cos there's a PH! went for teacher's gathering in the morning :) it's good to catch up once in a while. though, i was too tired to want to mingle :( went shopping after that! i have to stop spending! have been buying too many clothes.... must stop! especially online spreeing! went to celebrate dad's bday after that at this wonderful place of crabs! what a delicious spread... :)

i will stop having negative thoughts towards u, and it worked! i just don't want to feel anything towards u. i'm sick and tired of trying to get worked up whenever we conversed. sick of your childish antics. sick of u trying to show-off. try it, it will work.... just don't feel anything towards u...

working and being tired keeps my mind off things. i guess, whatever that i have done, work came at the right time. and whatever that is happening now, if it does, i'll see how it goes, though, i have not much fate in this kind of things...

must start running, swimming. basically exercising! and read the newspapers. miss out on so many exciting things! must catch up soon!

i have played a game that i knew i would never win. yet, i still continued with it. oh wells, lesson learnt. do not play with fire, or u end up getting burnt. the degree of my burns are not that serious, but, i do not wish to dwell on it any longer.

perhaps, i'm just someone, who doesn't like people to make use of me. yes, who likes to be made used of? my point is, if i don't get your intentions, i rather choose to go.

i went to church yesterday. and i was so stupid. all the time, i thought i was on the right path. my focused path. even when i veered off track so much, i failed to notice. but, i'm back now. with God, who keeps me safe and secure. that's all i need right now. hopefully, i'll get to go to church regularly, and keep nonsense out of my life.

my parents came back yesterday! ah, back to my life of rules and regulations. last week, i was busy doing chores. it reinforce my belief of hiring help in future. hate doing chores.

hope to meet my friends soon. i miss u ps.... catch up soon alright? :) haha, we need to train for the marathon!!!

have the day off for piano today. what a lucky breather :) however, went back for some makeup lessons. students have exams again soon. seems like i don't really have a down period. haha, could do with the down period, so i don't have to be constantly on alert for my students...! oh wells...

was having flu in the morning. or rather, thought was having my usual sinus.... was having a drippy nose throughout the train ride. i must have looked a sight! really couldn't be bothered about it. was having trouble keeping my puffy eyes open. and my nose was really terribly drippy when teaching my students. sigh, feel quite bad. hope i didn't pass anything to them. guess what, i have a full-blown fever right now. :( have not been so sick for a long time, sighs, forgotten how weak one can be. hope that the sickness persists till monday so i can go and get MC. hahaha.... ok, that's really terrible of me. sighs. spoilt my plans of swimming and jogging. damn.

went for jc class outing yesterday. think the last time that i saw them was 2 years ago. it's really a different kind of interaction between them and the uni ppl. for once, i've forgotten how english they are. haha. and i have a tendency to speak to RV ppl in mandarin. oops. it's nice, but i was too tired to really interact much. it's nice to just observe ppl though. guys will always be guys. gals, quiet ones are still quiet. haha. some changes though. glad i went though... had a chance to drink... :) wonder, did the late nights caused me to be sick.... haha...

and gals, will always muse about romantic developments. :) interesting to see how things go.

ok, i need to rest....

damn. so far, you are the only guy who can make me cry almost instantly. i wonder, why am i so affected by you. perhaps, the guilt trip works pretty well. i hate it, when you choose not to understand me, but, enforce your own ideals and beliefs on me. it's just so irritating and pointless. why can't u just understand that things don't always have to go your way. damn it.

i miss my piano so bad. didn't really want to leave it once i started practising yesterday. i hate myself for wanting to cry because i can no longer do the things i want to do. why is it so hard just to do the things that i really want to do. i hate being conformed to social pressures. and why is it that i know what i want yet i don't go about getting it. it's because, i lack the so-called damn thing - courage.

why can i be so fearless at times, yet when it comes to my life, i just lack the courage to pursue what i want. sometimes, i wonder, is all this strong persona just a fake front. i know ppl think i'm fake, but, i don't really want to bother about it. i've always wondered why am i like that. the answer that i came up with, perhaps, i just don't really like ppl to see my real self. which brings down to another topic, are there many things to hide? i don't know. just that, i've been so used to this part of me that i don't think i can change myself. the thing is, i just don't like to have to pretend so much when i don't at comfortable environments and places. perhaps, i just need to get used to this whole damn office thing.

seems like many things attributed to my breakdown yesterday. have not cried for a long time, and, sighs, i think, i really miss my piano. sighs.