christmas is just around the corner! looking forward to it! there's the usual family dinner. good food! haha! i like it when the extended family gathers. there's just the warm feeling within me, where we cousins will just talk crap with each other, grown-ups catch-up and harmless teasing. :) this year would be a little different i guess. looking forward to u coming over :)

christmas this year would be special. having plans for once instead of the usual expectations. haha. i guess, it's because i'm spending it with u that makes it so meaningful. it'll be a great night :)

there will be a christmas lunch in the office tomorrow. haha, hope i get to win those wonder prices! :)

work is going on well, in the sense that i'm getting used to it. the routine, the expectations. however, dealing with the senior's expectations is another thing. sighs, audit is really a funny business. last year's and this year's team do really matter. it's so ironical that the processes within the client remains the same, yet, different teams audit to different extents. sometimes, which makes me think it's a lot of bullshit. sighs. and my senior just took me off the engagement that's with her. so it really speaks of my performance. oh wells, what can i do i guess. that's life, learn from my own mistakes. move on.... sighs...

will be catching up with lots of friends! can't wait! haha....

happy one month dear :) appreciate u being there for me. appreciate u always making me laugh. appreciate u for tolerating my idosyncracies. appreciate u for making the extra effort. appreciate u for understanding my schedule. the list goes on. appreciate u just for being there. :)

i really feel like saying things in a literal sense, but i find myself at a loss for words. because, i'm usually very direct with things. i don't like to beat around the bush. i don't want to hurt people's feelings, yet i'm contradicting myself. because i know that if i'm going to say things as it is, i'm really going to hurt the people who care about me.

looking at things from different perspectives really help. talking about things really help too. maybe it's not anyone else's fault, but just internal conflicts that need to be resolved, internal confusions that needs to be sorted out, internal issues that need to be compartmentalised.

perhaps, all in all, i really need to talk to myself. ask myself, what do i really want? what do i really need? instead of focusing on what i think i need at this point in my life. life happens at different stages. perhaps, what is needed in other people's life may not necessarily be needed in mine at this stage.

i've always thought that i'm the silly one. the kind that will live for it. but i'm not, and that really surprises me. is there something that i'm not seeing? is there something that is not there? i have the answer, yes, i do. it's very clear to me. but can i let go? it is this answer that i have that scares me.

i want things to be fair. even though i know that life is often unfair. my honesty will hurt. i know. but i don't want to lie anymore. i don't. perhaps, all that is lacking, it is the courage to let go.

and perhaps, the solution simply is, to give it more time. time heals all wounds. time can also reassure things.

i want to give it time. i don't want to be someone who says this, and does another. i care too much to brush it away, i care too much to leave it alone. if i say i don't know what i feel, i'll be lying, because i do.

and at the end of the day, i don't even know why i'm blogging about this. perhaps, just take things with a pinch of salt.

reading my last blog entry. many things have changed. how time flies.... haha...

where do i start?

i'm happy that u are so patient with me. happy when i'm with u. happy when u make me laugh. happy that u care for me.

i'm told to enjoy it while it lasts. :)

i am. i keep smiling. and that's a good thing.

yes, i'm afraid, but i'm not alone....

u turned back for me. that is enough. u care enough to turn back. i appreciate it very much. thank you for waiting.

i'm happy :)

i have my answer. i see alot of myself in u. and the more u try to say stupid things, the issue is going to get darker than it already is. sighs, why are guys so stupid at times. the more that u try to think that it is not, the more u will give thought to it. so why can't people just avoid the whole issue?

haha, i thought that i was the foolish one. so my friends were right, i was wrong. and when i was wrong, i tend to think too much about things. and even if i think too much, i guess, i need to, so that i can protect myself.

pushing people away. that's what i've done best. done that many times, and so far, none has stayed with me. i guess, it's an inate nature in me to push people away. i guess, the one that stays will be the one. and perhaps, it all boils down to me, having to make the effort to adapt to new things. i will not try anymore. i'm very tired, playing the guessing game. perhaps, i can set my mind at ease right now. irritating.

and its very childish to try and convey msg through msn. guys. they are just stupid.

oh wells, i'm bias and a bitch. live with it.

it's raining these few days... sighs... feeling a tad bit cold in the office. some musings on my part i guess. i'm not experiencing the joy that i suppose i should have. i think i'm really destined to be alone. don't really like the idea of someone knowing lots of stuff about me, i guess, perhaps need some getting used to? and i don't even know if i want it?

no matter what others say, i guess, ultimately, its what i feel. i think its quite clear on my part. i don't want any emotional attachments right now. as for sending out the wrong signals? well, i don't see any problems in that. haha. i'm not the one who is initiating everything.

and no matter how similar u want us to be, there are many differences. i think for me, it's basically east vs west. i identify that right away, and usually, most guys fail this test. so, nothing much to say, except that, u are a really nice person. am i confused? not really. perhaps, i need to practise how to reject in a nice way.

just had a chat with rebecca. perhaps, i guess, i'm just someone who doesn't appreciate things. i like being alone. hate committments. haha, perhaps that's just the answer to everything. oh wells.

damn the office internet. it's so slow!! i can't check the elections' results. aargh! haha, i'm even more excited about it than my own elections. oh wells, u know the drill.

ps, so sorry that we couldn't meet yesterday. hope that u enjoy your taiwan trip. a much needed trip, i believe, which will rejuvenate u... take care and have fun!!

managed to went for a jog yesterday. sighs, getting fatter day by day! aargh! i hate staying in office and getting fat, really wonder how people keep fit. go for a run after work? that works if one is not feeling too tired about it. sighs...

the train ride to work in the morning is aargh!! i can't understand why some people like to squeeze inside the train when there's inadequate space!! i don't wanna touch u even if u want to. yucks.... irritating! and the most amazing thing, i was early for once in the office!! haha... was so shocked to see an empty office and empty lift. think i shall try to achieve this amazing feat once more tomorrow and enjoy my breakfast! :)

engaging in childish antics, but i can't stop myself. no excuses that i can give myself about it, but, oh wells, whatever! hahahaa...

and if u want to come and initiate talking to me, u should. because i think u know that i will approach u if u don't do anything about it. because, i'm dead t0wards it already. so it depends on u, whether u care enough. but apparently, most guys don't. so that's it i guess.

tuas, here i come next week... sighs!

today is US election day. Hope that Obama wins! McCain reminds me of the old geezers that had been running the US. It's time for some changes to be made! Especially to the foreign policy. Wish that there would be more peace around the world. Wishful thinking? Definitely. lesser fighting would be welcomed though...

caught HSM awhile ago. wow, being young is definitely something that i miss. doing stupid things like falling in love, having little worries, and simply just having fun thinking that the whole world is laid out for u. oh manz, i miss that feeling.... sighs, time can't go back, and i have to start thinking of grown-up things. it's irritating, because, some of the stuff, i can do without thinking. like paying my bills, planning my future career path and of course, finding a life partner.

right now, planning my future career path is at the top of my list. i know what i want, yet, i'm afraid to persue it. damn it, why must i be so tied down by these things, like, missing my family, being ostracised by a new environment, adapting to a new country, what job can i find overseas. but these are things that people get used to it over time. just hope that i have the courage to step out and plan it. perhaps, when things are in motion, i'll be less likely to be undecided and have the courage to step forward. another 6 months, and i'll start looking. damn the less promising economy now. be turning 23 soon. not getting any younger but older, and if i don't start planning, i'll be 30 soon, going nowhere near to fulfilling my dreams.

and my piano career, sighs, let's not talk about it, even though it's on my mind all the time. perhaps, i should just shelve if temporaily for 5 years. sighs. i don't want to give it up!!!

my bills --- it's going well, hope to pay it off soon!!

sighs, i'm tired about talking about this issue, but it seems like the easiest things to talk to your colleagues about, other than work. oh wells. since i have the intention to talk about it, here goes. i have always wondered why do people who are similar to me, doesn't really appeal to me. in work, in love. in work, i find people who are similar to me in behaviour and personality, i can't bear to speak to them. oops. haha, perhaps, i should start disliking myself? but NO! i love myself too much...! it's the same for anyone, and that makes me wonder, how do people find love? i can't possibly find someone that's like the total opposite from me? and i do enjoy talking to u, doing stuff together, but somehow, it's just wow for me and not WOOHOO!! YEAH MANZ! DAMN IT FEELS SO GOOD! at this point in time, it's not easy to relate to another person. and on an intellectual i have not find someone of the opposite sex who can yet. haha. i sound like i think of myself too high on a level. but yes, i do like people who have brains instead of brains full of themselves. and yes, many are like that.

still the same old conclusion, see how it goes. and does that equals to sending out the wrong signals? somehow, i'm past caring about that. even though i think i hurt someone before, but oh wells, he brought it on himself. haha, yes, i'm evil, but if i'm not, i'll hurt myself. and why should i?

tired. of. work. but its life, i just need to get used to it. sighs....