ok, it's been about 2.5 weeks since i last blogged. haha, i realise that i have a tendency to blog whenever i'm stuck in office. oh well, the current job is not too difficult. consolidation, agreeing figures are not too difficult, just need to find out where the figures come from? except that i'm supposed to be stationed in office. argh, it's so far from home! one good thing is that the snr is not from my team, haha, and she comes in later than me. yay! and she seems nice. hope that i can slack! not a very good attitude? well, i can't be bothered too much. it's just work, not my life. i refuse to make it my life. *bleah*

had a wonderful leave period. went to lots of swimming. managed a genting trip in between. went to JB for the day and got really fat. managed to treat my grandma and parents. most importantly, spent time with my sisters, and dear dear! hehe.

back to reality. how does one deal with reality? realise that i'm not too affected by things. find that i can't behave like giggly teenage girls much longer. sometimes, i wonder, why do some people just have so much energy. perhaps, its just me who is tired most of the time. argh. well, think it's gonna be a tough next month. starting out in tax, hopefully, managers and seniors are nice. anyway, if they are not, don't think that they can affect me that much, after all, i'm just a lowly A1. haha. being an A1 has its merits in certain ways.

my students are having exams next month. kind of anxious about my cousins. chanced upon the elder cousin's blog yesterday. it's quite sad that she finds piano stressful. oh well, didn't realise that i have that effect of stressing my students. perhaps, i set high expectations for my students and myself. overall, i guess, a teacher just want her students to do well? have to make up for students these few weeks. hopefully, it's enough for them to get at least a merit. yes, i'm that demanding. haha. i don't just want them to pass. it'll reflect their technicialities too?

musings on my part: be single and attached has its pros and cons. can't really say which is the better option or choice? just that they entails different expectations and planning in life. like what my dear dear said, he doesn't like to see me tired. sometimes, i think that i feel tired too much that i don't really think about things. and when i do think about things, they tend to overwhelm me. for instance, the past 2 weeks, have been thinking more about things, marriage, family, future, career. thinking about them means i must make a decision. had come to terms with many things, and the conclusion, i don't want to think too much about how things are not working out. just have a few options at hand, so that i know how to walk the next step, that's more important than anything.

human relationships are very vulnerable. hate to see ppl arguing uselessly, hate shouting aimlessly. perhaps, as what bh said, i'm really just a "peaceful person who likes freedom". that perhaps, sums me up most well. :)

and i soooo need to meet u up. dear PS!!

it's been about 4 months since i last blogged. many things happened? not really, but i've grown wiser, smarter, and perhaps, more cynical about people. corporate world, many people want to get inside. sometimes, i wonder, at what cost? think all of us have changed in one way or another. efforts not being recognised, think i have to deal with it. damn. i hate it. i don't want to understand any more things about the audit, tax or anything else. i just don't. as usual, they don't interst me alot. argh. i hate it! damn. just wish that i can stop thinking about all these. courage, think this topic has been prevalent in most of my entries, which i still lack sorely. i want to go out and do what i want. but i just lack the stupid courage. and i don't want to listen to anything. hate how it affects me. i sound incoherent. and i know. just typing anything that comes to my mind. sighs. whatever.

wow. my previous entry was more than a month ago. not surprising, since i'm on this job, i often don't have time to do the things i want. and guess what? it's still the cny period, yet, i don't even feel it. argh! peak period, darn, i must really try to get used to it.

working for this manager has its merits. i really admire her to a large extent, how she gets things done efficiently. however, it's at the expense of her family. well, wonder how she can let work overtake her life. perhaps, there's really no choice in the matter? hmmz... got scolded by her before, haha, looking back now, i thought that i would not be affected much, but guess i was wrong. really stress, trying not to make mistakes and get things done efficiently. not easy, when i've been slacking for a long time. well, being on a tightrope all the time is not a fun thing exactly. looking forward to my next job. client, NEC! haha, accounts should be clean, ppl polite. and with juan! haha, should be a much better experience :)

really tired. a week of 20 hrs slp is not sufficient. sighs, going to look old really soon :( whatever. off-peak=slping time!

went with twin sis and her friend to timbre. really like the ambience there. nice chill-out place to relax. hope to go again soon! haha, sis wanna intro the pump room and other likes of it, haha... enjoy chilling-out! company must be right though.

unexpected things happen in the family. sighs, hope that grandma will be alright. hate to see anything happen to her at this age. she has enough.

someone is still treating me very nice. haha, hope it lasts. i have faith. glad we took the time to talk things out. it really helped, looking forward to spending more time with u after the peak period. :)

unexpected friends have been contacting me... haha! glad that i'm still remembered. and i miss hanging out with my friends. ps! juan! hm, hq, wx! yoke! and my, we'll meet up soon! argh, peak period.

oh yar, i need to spend time with my sistas~! too! love them!

never thought that i would start a new year like this. sighs. cried 3 times today. wonder what's wrong with me. never thought that i would be this easily affected, vulnerable... whatever. sighs. must be myself back again. the strong gal that i'm so proud of, where has it gone? damn, and perhaps i know the reason very well.

and today, i learn the important lesson of compromising. as much as i want to speak to u, talk to u, i know i cannot be so selfish to deprive u of your night of fun. sighs. i was surprised that u couldn't tell that i was crying when talking to u. oh wells, i'm still learning. sighs.

have to work tomorrow. sighs.

but other than this, i think i have reasons to smile. :) at least twin sis is not mad at me.

sighs, turning 23 soon. bugger...

how time flies. it's the time of the year where one makes new year resolutions once again! haha. according to my tradition, it's the usual category and segregation. :)

career.
haha, the easiest to talk about. hmmz, what's there to say? still working as usual. perhaps, i need to put in more effort to understand what i'm doing when i'm doing instead of trying to understand whenever something crops up. in a nutshell, have to be more focused even though my heart is screaming "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN". and perhaps, the company should consider revamping their policy of forcing people to take leave. argh. initially, i thought, it's not hard to force myself to do something that i don't enjoy, just do it. but, perhaps, in audit, it's not that easy to sit do something i don't enjoy. oh wells, with the bad economic situation, there's nothing much that i can do. sighs. haha. perhaps, should explore other options really soon (sighs... another headache...)

piano wise, it's the same as usual. just hope that my students taking exams will do well:) as for me, sighs, not practising as much as usual:( damn, i didn't realise that this would happen. with other aspects of my life flourishing, i sort of forgotten about this. don't want to give up though, i just need to reorganise the important things in my life.

family.
i love my family. enough said. :)

health.
doing well. happy! :)

love.
ahz. this topic. haha. not the usual musings that i would have. like being an independent woman, free of emotional entanglements........ etc. i found it:) just want to say, i enjoy u in my life. the little things that u do for me, i will remember and keep it close to my heart. thanks dear :) will do my best to make the effort to keep the relationship strong :)


that's about it... hope to have a good year ahead!

christmas is just around the corner! looking forward to it! there's the usual family dinner. good food! haha! i like it when the extended family gathers. there's just the warm feeling within me, where we cousins will just talk crap with each other, grown-ups catch-up and harmless teasing. :) this year would be a little different i guess. looking forward to u coming over :)

christmas this year would be special. having plans for once instead of the usual expectations. haha. i guess, it's because i'm spending it with u that makes it so meaningful. it'll be a great night :)

there will be a christmas lunch in the office tomorrow. haha, hope i get to win those wonder prices! :)

work is going on well, in the sense that i'm getting used to it. the routine, the expectations. however, dealing with the senior's expectations is another thing. sighs, audit is really a funny business. last year's and this year's team do really matter. it's so ironical that the processes within the client remains the same, yet, different teams audit to different extents. sometimes, which makes me think it's a lot of bullshit. sighs. and my senior just took me off the engagement that's with her. so it really speaks of my performance. oh wells, what can i do i guess. that's life, learn from my own mistakes. move on.... sighs...

will be catching up with lots of friends! can't wait! haha....

happy one month dear :) appreciate u being there for me. appreciate u always making me laugh. appreciate u for tolerating my idosyncracies. appreciate u for making the extra effort. appreciate u for understanding my schedule. the list goes on. appreciate u just for being there. :)

i really feel like saying things in a literal sense, but i find myself at a loss for words. because, i'm usually very direct with things. i don't like to beat around the bush. i don't want to hurt people's feelings, yet i'm contradicting myself. because i know that if i'm going to say things as it is, i'm really going to hurt the people who care about me.

looking at things from different perspectives really help. talking about things really help too. maybe it's not anyone else's fault, but just internal conflicts that need to be resolved, internal confusions that needs to be sorted out, internal issues that need to be compartmentalised.

perhaps, all in all, i really need to talk to myself. ask myself, what do i really want? what do i really need? instead of focusing on what i think i need at this point in my life. life happens at different stages. perhaps, what is needed in other people's life may not necessarily be needed in mine at this stage.

i've always thought that i'm the silly one. the kind that will live for it. but i'm not, and that really surprises me. is there something that i'm not seeing? is there something that is not there? i have the answer, yes, i do. it's very clear to me. but can i let go? it is this answer that i have that scares me.

i want things to be fair. even though i know that life is often unfair. my honesty will hurt. i know. but i don't want to lie anymore. i don't. perhaps, all that is lacking, it is the courage to let go.

and perhaps, the solution simply is, to give it more time. time heals all wounds. time can also reassure things.

i want to give it time. i don't want to be someone who says this, and does another. i care too much to brush it away, i care too much to leave it alone. if i say i don't know what i feel, i'll be lying, because i do.

and at the end of the day, i don't even know why i'm blogging about this. perhaps, just take things with a pinch of salt.