it has been quite a trumatic week.... piano wasn't the usual relief that i feel. i guess, miscommunication can be a deadly wound at all times. oh well, i decide to give the benefit of doubt to the prinicpal. i do not wish to question her motives. i do not wish to question my suspicions. i do not wish to question my loyalty and dedication to my students. i do not wish to think. till the next "hoo-ha" comes, i shall refuse to think and ponder about other options.

sighs. i hate practicality. where's the innocence of just teaching all the students. i guess, all i wanted was to challenge myself to bring out the potential in my students. promising students, i want to bring out the challenge in them. however, i guess, i will lose the opportunity soon. perhaps, from my student's perspective, it'll be better for them to find a new teacher? i don't know. all i know is that i try my best to improve. to build up on my knowledge. i don't know if it's enough. but i'm trying, and till now, i don't think that i've failed any of them. argh. hate it.

sometimes, i just wish that life is simple, really simple.

sighs, i need to lose weight. hate the me that i see in the mirror. argh. i swore to lose weight by CNY!! argh!

i'm bored.... tax so far, performing the simple computations, it's not that difficult, what's more with piror year to follow. sighs... the 2 "seniors" are not around, and i have nothing much to do. it'll be exciting when i realise that i may be charging too much to personal time. oh wells, i'll decide when it comes to that. bored....

met up with g ytd:) it's always nice to know how your classmates are doing. well, in the sense, one may be comparing whether one is on par with the person of our age. most of my classmates are becoming teachers. haha. seems that it's quite a good industry to go into. stable career, consistent pay... oh wells, predictability is also quite nice i guess. instead of being in the corporate industry, where many happenings daily is not predictable. i like teaching. didn't realise that i enjoy it. i enjoy interacting with my students, finding out how they have turned into, the kind of youngsters walking in our society, :) at least it adds value to my life. feeling a sense of satisfaction when i see my students do well, or overcoming their fear.

sometimes, when people are too pracitcal, it affects me too. i have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like me, that they can give up comforts of their life to achieve satisfaction. perhaps the basic needs of monetary needs are not met. that's why. oh wells, each to his/her own. i guess, when one is happy with their life, that's all that matters? i'm happy that we still share freely, but guess that i can understand her much better and that makes it easier to talk to her. hope that things turn out well for her :)

the company is a scary place, really scary. seems like u come in with a big bang but leave without anyone knowing. rubbish...

should i or should i not? feel like though. think i'm gonna give it a try and see how things goes.... :)

meanwhile, i have an important task at hand. trying to look busy.

ok. i'm bored again. haha. yes, really bored. waiting for manager. these 2 weeks are a blast. haha, working for managers who doesn't exert a huge amount of pressure on me. meeting up with friends. :) it was a blast, catching up with sis, se, hm, hq, wx and ps! i'm tired though, have been sleeping rather late these few days. But! i feel that life has some purpose after all, working and having the time to catch up with people i care about :)

hmm, it's the time of the year in the company where many people are leaving. perhaps, i will get used to it after some time. for snrs that i enjoy working with, i feel a sense of sadness. however, i feel happy for them as they will be rid of this shit hole. wonder when will my turn be? oh well, since i'm still staying for a while, i choose not to think too much about it. so far, not much pressure on me yet. haha, shall just enjoy my life for a while more still.

sometimes, i wonder what my motivation in teaching piano is. is it the money? or the passion? i guess, it's really hard to quantify the percentage of monetary motivation and passion. i guess, one has to be practical, even with the passion, one has to earn some money. sometimes, it feels hurtful to know that your principal doesn't value u as much as u think she does. i have been with her for 5 years, yet my percentage doesn't increase. yet, my fees doesn't increase. yes, i admit my qualifications are not on par with the new teacher, i admit that, however, it's just so unfair. for the same student, she is not even charging me at market rate. it's fine, but if she increase the student's fee accordingly to the qualifications based on the old fee, it's fair. but she did not. she just gave a $10 discount off the market rate. damn. it's just so unfair. and why didn't i point it out? well, i always tell myself that i have a full-time job, shouldn't complain too much i guess? i like my current students, so i guess, perhaps, just stay till my current students have finished their studies? oh well, life's like that sometimes. will ask her if i decide to go full-time. oh crap, just feel like letting off steam.

sighs, economics vs passion.

haha....

argh... damn bored. waiting for the manager. hope she is not MIA. otherwise, i'll have a whole day of pretending that i have things to do. argh... took a cab today. and the uncle thinks i'm married!! haha... he was shocked when i told him my age. oh man.... haha.... have been meeting nice cab driver recently....! yesterday and today. sometimes, i don't mind them talking. but sometimes, i want them to give me peace too. but i like those kind that tell me about their children. haha, so i can get a first hand experience of what people in my generation are doing with my life.

met this uncle yesterday who was retrenched. it's very sad. i think he feels abandoned by his company. previously, he held a very high post. i guess, when age is catching up, it's very difficult to find jobs even though the experience is there. also, with younger people, the payout is not as expensive. oh well, economics meet practicalism.

watched harry potter yesterday! it was a very nice movie. haha. i enjoyed it very much. perhaps, everyone keeps telling me how boring it is. my expectations were very much lowered. well, many details were not in the movie. but, it's like that i guess, how can u put all the details into a 2./5 hour movie. emma watson is so cool! like her!

hopefully, i'll get a slack week:) the manager is always missing! oh wells, better than working.

argh! can't believe how stupid i am!! i should have done the work given to me for the whole day! sighs, what a rarity, the manager has nothing for me to do. and she's going for a discussion! she was actually asking other managers to use me. argh!! haha. well, hopefully, when it's 530, she's not back from the discussion and i can go home!! :) shall just exit my groove. silly me thought that she needed the things in a hurry. :) slack week! i'm happy!

sometimes, it really takes 2 hands to clap. what is it called? i believe it's understanding and compromise.

understanding: it is important to understand each other's goals. perhaps, to understand what is important to one. that's the interesting thing. what is important to one may not be important to others. perhaps, why relationships always meet a problem is due to this factor. each party is unable to understand why certain things and ideas are important to the other. this will lead to arguments. and the scary thing is, people break apart when they are unable to resolve the arguments. hopefully, this does not happen to my relationships. :/

compromise: reaching a compromise is as difficult as understanding one another. reaching a compromise means being less stubborn to holding on to one's beliefs. i believe that everything can be compromised, it just depends on the degree that the other party is willing to go to give in to the other. sighs, compromise, and i realise that i'm very stubborn. argh!

i know that i'm selfish at times. i'm unwilling to change alot of myself, in terms of, habits, behaviour and beliefs even though i'm in a relationship. i'm trying, however, i do question myself sometimes. is it better off being single? where i do not have to worry about compromising. but i refuse to let go yet. my dear dear means alot to me:) i'm willing to try and accomodate. things are different when one is in a relationship. often, we cannot do things by our whism and fancy, we have to try to understand and accomodate. this i will try. be less selfish.

haha. musings on my part, don't take it too seriously?

:)

i just so love doing nothing. waiting for the manager to call me. how long have i been waiting? about 4 hours? it's not so bad, surfing the net, reading on gossips. kind of a slack and good life. except that, the manager's gonna question me about why things are not done. and supposedly, am i to say that they are tasks belonging to the seniors? we shall see. it's been another minute pass, and no phone call. damn. it's really not too bad, till the manager probably wants me to stay late to complete some task that i could have completed like 2 hours ago? i'm just a lowly A1, don't expect too much... that's the problem with people sometimes, assuming about everything. damn.

feeling like i'm falling sick. hope it's not the SWINE. hahaha. feel like taking MC tomorrow. what a stupid shit job. senior has abandonned me. manager, i hope, it's nice. seems not too, from what my fellow colleagues say. hope to go back early today. what more can a girl ask?

haha... interesting lunch i have. it's weird. guess that's how it is, meeting dear dear's friends. need to get used to it :)

argh, the manager is still MIA. hope she doesn't look for me at 4pm. i will curse her. haha....

sometimes, i ponder over the necessity of treating my colleagues nicely. bantering with them, smiling at them. i was doing it before. but right now, i just seem to have lost the need to do all these. perhaps, doing all these will earn a good feedback, but, what are the seniors looking for? sometimes, the corporate world is just so practical. if u have the ability, people will rave and flock to u. however, if u are just an average joe, people will not even give 2 hoots about u. however, the world is made up of average joes. people who are born smart often neglect the feelings of average joes. perhaps, we'll just have to deal with it the best we can.

in university days, i was very affected by how people view me. of course, who wants to be viewed as stupid. however, when working, i've learnt to let go. there are just too many things in life to be bothered by how people view me. i'm more concerned with how my family, dear dear and real friends relates to me. :) working, creating a facade of yourself, i find it tiring. haha, ignorance is bliss. i've always believed in that.

slacking now... hopefully the client gives me what i need! argh. haha....

can't wait for the next week of leave!