everytime when i have the mood to blog, i would be distracted by games. oh why? haha, just cos i have not played for a long time. last week was my first offical assignment, and boy was it a tough first week. sighs, i never imagine that i would work till so late for my first assignment. 2 days till 10pm and 2 days till midnight!! it was an experience that i guess would be repeated really soon. and i even came to work on a sunday. sighs. the adrenalin rush at first was soon replaced by tiredness and me missing my bed terribly. :(

sighs, hate meeting datelines, even though there was nothing much to meet. and i get bored so easily. sighs, can't really see myself going through the same audit process over and over again. praying that i can last till i finish paying my debt!! sighs.

this 2 weeks have been really crazy. working till midnight almost everyday is no fun at all. sighs, so tiring! i can't even think properly. sighs, really hope that i have the motivation to last till it ends :( this week is especially tiring... however, i rather enjoy it....

why?! cos there's a PH! went for teacher's gathering in the morning :) it's good to catch up once in a while. though, i was too tired to want to mingle :( went shopping after that! i have to stop spending! have been buying too many clothes.... must stop! especially online spreeing! went to celebrate dad's bday after that at this wonderful place of crabs! what a delicious spread... :)

i will stop having negative thoughts towards u, and it worked! i just don't want to feel anything towards u. i'm sick and tired of trying to get worked up whenever we conversed. sick of your childish antics. sick of u trying to show-off. try it, it will work.... just don't feel anything towards u...

working and being tired keeps my mind off things. i guess, whatever that i have done, work came at the right time. and whatever that is happening now, if it does, i'll see how it goes, though, i have not much fate in this kind of things...

must start running, swimming. basically exercising! and read the newspapers. miss out on so many exciting things! must catch up soon!

i have played a game that i knew i would never win. yet, i still continued with it. oh wells, lesson learnt. do not play with fire, or u end up getting burnt. the degree of my burns are not that serious, but, i do not wish to dwell on it any longer.

perhaps, i'm just someone, who doesn't like people to make use of me. yes, who likes to be made used of? my point is, if i don't get your intentions, i rather choose to go.

i went to church yesterday. and i was so stupid. all the time, i thought i was on the right path. my focused path. even when i veered off track so much, i failed to notice. but, i'm back now. with God, who keeps me safe and secure. that's all i need right now. hopefully, i'll get to go to church regularly, and keep nonsense out of my life.

my parents came back yesterday! ah, back to my life of rules and regulations. last week, i was busy doing chores. it reinforce my belief of hiring help in future. hate doing chores.

hope to meet my friends soon. i miss u ps.... catch up soon alright? :) haha, we need to train for the marathon!!!

have the day off for piano today. what a lucky breather :) however, went back for some makeup lessons. students have exams again soon. seems like i don't really have a down period. haha, could do with the down period, so i don't have to be constantly on alert for my students...! oh wells...

was having flu in the morning. or rather, thought was having my usual sinus.... was having a drippy nose throughout the train ride. i must have looked a sight! really couldn't be bothered about it. was having trouble keeping my puffy eyes open. and my nose was really terribly drippy when teaching my students. sigh, feel quite bad. hope i didn't pass anything to them. guess what, i have a full-blown fever right now. :( have not been so sick for a long time, sighs, forgotten how weak one can be. hope that the sickness persists till monday so i can go and get MC. hahaha.... ok, that's really terrible of me. sighs. spoilt my plans of swimming and jogging. damn.

went for jc class outing yesterday. think the last time that i saw them was 2 years ago. it's really a different kind of interaction between them and the uni ppl. for once, i've forgotten how english they are. haha. and i have a tendency to speak to RV ppl in mandarin. oops. it's nice, but i was too tired to really interact much. it's nice to just observe ppl though. guys will always be guys. gals, quiet ones are still quiet. haha. some changes though. glad i went though... had a chance to drink... :) wonder, did the late nights caused me to be sick.... haha...

and gals, will always muse about romantic developments. :) interesting to see how things go.

ok, i need to rest....

damn. so far, you are the only guy who can make me cry almost instantly. i wonder, why am i so affected by you. perhaps, the guilt trip works pretty well. i hate it, when you choose not to understand me, but, enforce your own ideals and beliefs on me. it's just so irritating and pointless. why can't u just understand that things don't always have to go your way. damn it.

i miss my piano so bad. didn't really want to leave it once i started practising yesterday. i hate myself for wanting to cry because i can no longer do the things i want to do. why is it so hard just to do the things that i really want to do. i hate being conformed to social pressures. and why is it that i know what i want yet i don't go about getting it. it's because, i lack the so-called damn thing - courage.

why can i be so fearless at times, yet when it comes to my life, i just lack the courage to pursue what i want. sometimes, i wonder, is all this strong persona just a fake front. i know ppl think i'm fake, but, i don't really want to bother about it. i've always wondered why am i like that. the answer that i came up with, perhaps, i just don't really like ppl to see my real self. which brings down to another topic, are there many things to hide? i don't know. just that, i've been so used to this part of me that i don't think i can change myself. the thing is, i just don't like to have to pretend so much when i don't at comfortable environments and places. perhaps, i just need to get used to this whole damn office thing.

seems like many things attributed to my breakdown yesterday. have not cried for a long time, and, sighs, i think, i really miss my piano. sighs.

27/8/08
finally had a chance to blog. this week has been a busy one. with my students exams coming up, wow, don't really have a chance to breathe. just hope that all of them pass with flying colours! :)


managed to catch up with hm, hq and wx yesterday... we had dinner at a french restaurant... the food is rather different.... then we had really nice ice cream at the creamery...! teh tarik ice cream... superb!! really miss talking to them. it seems like nowadays, all the topics revolved around finding a partner.

wanted to blog initially on that day. haha, at work, nonetheless, i was distracted by internet surfing... work is boring now. everyone tells me to enjoy it while i can. but, i can't really do the stuff that i want to do in co, so, doesn't really make a difference. but, i realise, online msn can be really addictive... haha... so if u do see me online during office hours, really, come talk to me, instant replied almost guranteed :)

many surprises this week. sometimes, it's the little things that catch u offguard that makes life so much sweeter. :) wondering why am i so stupid sometimes. doing the things that i don't like, yet, the things that i like, i don't indulge in it enough. aargh! i used to enjoy using the computer, even for the whole day. now, it's like, i've gotten my wish finally. but, haha, i rather rest my eyes these days....

my students are taking exams today. wishing them all the best! hopefully, all of them will give me the result that i want them to have :)

just gotten the news from my team mate that my engagement is postponed to 2 weeks later. more time for slacking in the office. aargh. i just can't stand doing nothing. i rather go running, swimming, movies... many many things... since i've more free time, i should get my butt down to some serious piano practising and also, exercising! yes, dear ps, let's run the marathon by then at full speed and energy and most important of all, stamina!

was just talking to this guy fren of mine. so, guys do categorise girls into different categories, ie, sweet-looking, demure-looking, independent, etc... so, that's really no different from us. haha. and, it's not a surprise that most guys are looking for sweet-looking, motherly kinds. expectations, why are they just so predictable. haha. perhaps, all singaporean guys have a common trait, predictability. or does that apply to all? perhaps, in their dictionary, the goal that they have in finding a partner is one that can be a mother to their children. haha.

sighs, meaningless life....

i heard a piece of stunning news today. my piano student, of 11 years old, has a girlfriend for a year. i'm shocked, seriously... it really brought me some new insights of how the young are viewing relationships. i thought of my childhood(not so long ago! haha), it was all so innocent... everyone's basically my friend. of course, there are all those teasing. and he even showed me her gf's pic on his handphone. my oh my.... i thought he was trying to impress me, but, his sister looked so serious. well, there's something new to discover everyday...

i've honestly underestimated the impact of my actions. i thought it would not affect me that much, but, the results showed otherwise. erasing someone from your life doesn't take much. deleting someone from your handphone list, msn list, friendster list, facebook listing, etc. pretending that the person doesn't exist, simply, doesn't take much. but, the memories will always come back whenever u are at a place that means alot to you. those memories, just refuse to go away. time will make them go away, and by then, i hope that i will think of u less often.

my heart feels heavy nowadays. i know the reason why. but i must stick to what i've started with. what can i do? i want to stop playing, no point in misleading you and me. sighs...

the piano exams are arriving. can't wait for it to be over...! hope that all my students pass. i have some doubts, but being a teacher, i can only hope and pray for the best :)

been complaining much about ppl recently. returning back to a not-so-pleasant me in the past. i will try to control, but sometimes, ppl do things to irritate me, and, i just can't help but let out steam. aargh! and, also, i want to improve myself, most of all, feel some motivation to work hard instead of thinking of slacking all the time. yay! no engagements for 2 weeks, will be able to be let off early! i must enjoy these 2 weeks. really.

hope to catch up with my sisters, friends. :)

相信 - 孙燕姿

突然觉得我只是一个人
有点孤单浅浅的忧郁
我不知道明天会不会很美丽
虽然今天天很蓝 而云很白 风很凉
今天日记空白没有关系 不必每件事情都在意
不想工作 不想困扰自己 不必刻意想你
该是我的总会来 就算挑战 我不走开
一点点你的微笑 已经让我觉得温暖
我还不懂坚持 正好让我 学会去爱
我曾经看见困难 变得胆小 不够勇敢
但还是要相信 相信感觉 相信简单
有一天 等我懂得现实也许更灰心
至少现在让我去相信 哦
我还是会相信 相信感觉 相信简单

was returning home these days, i felt very old suddenly. i don't know why, but the feeling just overcame me, making me think, is this what i'm going to feel from now on? neverending work responsibilities, neverending demands, neverending obligations. sometimes, i just wish i possess the courage to let my emotions show, to present what i really feel. but, being social creatures, we usually just control everything.

good things are coming by next week. gonna meet up with my sec sch frens! can't wait... :)

so many things that i want to do, yet, simply, there's no time. i will even want to sleep more instead of doing fun things. damn, i'm really getting old.

some things need to be done. perhaps, after all, i'm really too practical for my own good. after interaction with colleagues my batch, i realise that all of us are really practical. the degree of it, varies of course, but we all are. so being practical beings, and being subjected to social judgement, i choose to do things that need to be done. because, i think, u don't know what u want. the noble me wants to think that i'm doing it for your own good. partly, but, for selfish reasons, i think, all things come to an end. the impact on me, i don't know yet, but, simply, it'll be good for u.

i seldom care about what people think about me. in the personal sense. and u are no exception. when i care, which only happens once so far, it probably means something more.

this week, is quite eventful for me. many things happen, yet, luckily, i was able to discard it aside. i don't really want to think about it.

back to boring training. perhaps, when there's more time, i'll be able to get away from my tv and bed to use the com. :)