i do understand that one changes with the environment, with time and even with the people u hang out with. basically, everyone changes to almost anything. sigh, how i wish i'm not feeling all these negative thoughts towards u. i can't help but think that i'm obligated towards you and i resent feeling that. it seems as though our relationship has not changed at all. u are still u, yet, am i the one that has changed that much? once, i treasure u alot. so much so that i care too deeply about what is happening towards u. however, now, i just don't feel like replying. i feel so tired. am i ready to give it all up? i don't know yet. once, your jokes seem to cheer me up a lot. now, i find it tiring to respond to u. can i ever give him up? we shared so much. yet, this relationship doesn't seem to be able to grow. i feel so stifled whenever you are around. i've been making excuses to avoid u. haiz.
my heart gave a lurch just now. why oh why, that does this wall of mine is unable to be broken down by anyone? i've read a book today called safe harbour. there was this line from the book, saying, i can feel my wall slowly being chipped away by.... how i yearn to say this very phrase one day. one fine day.
i find my defences breaking down today. damn, i realise that i've forgotten to protect myself once again. i allow myself to feel for something that i've forgotten for a while. well, that's really life?
hopefully, the resolve to study stays on. sigh. sigh.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
i need more motivation
if only i can feel more towards doing well for quizzes. sigh, i don't even feel as though the world is falling down on me even though i will fail the quiz. sigh, i don't even feel down that i don't really know how to do any questions. sigh, can i feel more about my studies? somehow, the quiz seems to be a hinderance to the finals. yeah, stupid thoughts on my part, but still, they come. i don't have the full confidence of doing well, yet, right now, i just don't feel like doing anything about it yet. if so, when is the right time? damn, i really do see things from too much perspectives.
sometimes, i wonder, am i that different from others? everyone around me is so concerned about their studies. even though there's some who doesn't show it, the fact that they keep talking about it shows. sigh, i don't even want to talk about it. i have long stopped thinking what is my niche, the lack of it, or even whether am i going down the right path. as long as i can get a job, i have no other worries. sigh, can i get just a little bit of motivation? sigh.
well, another thing that perks me up! hikaru! this anime is so nice.. i've been chasing after if for a few days. perhaps, after i've finished it, i'll get back to studying! haha.... =)
suddenly, i feel that there are many strangers around me. it seems we were friends before, but now, everything just changes. i can't help but muse at the uncertainty of change. change is good i believe. it's hard to imagine life as a constant. that'll be quite boring. however, one thing that strikes me is that people are bothering to keep up with appearances much. well, perhaps, life is always like that. we can't always expect the idyllic aspects of life.
many projects are upcoming. hopefully, they'll all go away soon and i concentrate on studying. whatever time that i have left. sigh... =(
sometimes, i wonder, am i that different from others? everyone around me is so concerned about their studies. even though there's some who doesn't show it, the fact that they keep talking about it shows. sigh, i don't even want to talk about it. i have long stopped thinking what is my niche, the lack of it, or even whether am i going down the right path. as long as i can get a job, i have no other worries. sigh, can i get just a little bit of motivation? sigh.
well, another thing that perks me up! hikaru! this anime is so nice.. i've been chasing after if for a few days. perhaps, after i've finished it, i'll get back to studying! haha.... =)
suddenly, i feel that there are many strangers around me. it seems we were friends before, but now, everything just changes. i can't help but muse at the uncertainty of change. change is good i believe. it's hard to imagine life as a constant. that'll be quite boring. however, one thing that strikes me is that people are bothering to keep up with appearances much. well, perhaps, life is always like that. we can't always expect the idyllic aspects of life.
many projects are upcoming. hopefully, they'll all go away soon and i concentrate on studying. whatever time that i have left. sigh... =(
Sunday, September 23, 2007
friendships. relationships.
as requested by dear ps, here am i! haha. firstly, i'm proud to announce that i've slept 8.5 hrs the night before! it's been a long time that i can have the luxury of at least 8 hours of sleep, even though, 7 hours is not that bad too. =)
yesterday's piano lesson was the usual, however, i seem to have lost my drive always after the exams. perhaps, the exams are rather far, so, i can relax, but, i will lose some of my motivation. =) haha. well, let me slack for a while. :p i hate rude students, and, i have this boy, who is showing real shit attitude towards me. well, it's my last lesson with him next week, and boy, am i gonna show shit attitude towards him. wonder how parents teach their kids these days. *despairs*
friendships is another form of relationships which i thought is relatively easier to manage then love relationships. however, the recent spate of events made me think otherwise. i've never thought that friendships is measured by the length of time you know another person. for example, does it mean that a friend i've known for 10 years should be more important then a friend i've known for a year, even though i seem to be able to share more things with this friend of a year. pardon me, but i've always thought that knowing another person is how unique lives are interwined this way. if i've met this person and we can share things together, eg, thoughts, ideas, feelings, doesn't it show how lucky we'll be able to become friends?
an incident happened to this friend of mine, and made me think, of friendships. they've known each other for about 8 years, and her friend accused her of treasuring friends she've known for less then 3 years then her of 8 years. to me, it's kind of stupid, when the things they are arguing about, of all, is about a guy. throwing a friendship for a guy, if u ask me, is pretty stupid... *groans* well, i'm really in no position to judge, perhaps, asking my friend's friend to be less selfish and think of my friend's point of view. *shakes head* although, i think that is unlikely to happen.
well, i'm not very capable of handling things in this particular department myself. however, i'm finding myself happier and lighter compared to previous semesters. what is happiness? perhaps, to me, it's simply, living for myself and not for others. not having to put on so much of a front. life is simpler this way. yes, i'm selfish, i want what's best for myself, well, i think, i have lived too much for others when they don't even give shit loads about me. :p haha, that's a little bias, well, i rather see less of people's "face colour" then giving my own "face colour". once again, my judgement about friendship, perhaps, our lives are not meant to be interwined.
my english is becoming poorer as the day passes. been speaking more mandarin then ever! aargh! i've been trying to articulate properly, it's my fear that i'll lose the ability to put sentences together! haha. well, it's happening bit by bit already... :(
anyway, the holidays, albeit, for a week, it's a much anticipated one for me. gonna go for many kbox sessions, movies, and of course, jogs, and sleep!!! a much dreaded quiz. BUT life's really great with the holidays!
ps, we are gonna go for kbox right??? haha.... miss mugging with u.... take care in US!!!
yesterday's piano lesson was the usual, however, i seem to have lost my drive always after the exams. perhaps, the exams are rather far, so, i can relax, but, i will lose some of my motivation. =) haha. well, let me slack for a while. :p i hate rude students, and, i have this boy, who is showing real shit attitude towards me. well, it's my last lesson with him next week, and boy, am i gonna show shit attitude towards him. wonder how parents teach their kids these days. *despairs*
friendships is another form of relationships which i thought is relatively easier to manage then love relationships. however, the recent spate of events made me think otherwise. i've never thought that friendships is measured by the length of time you know another person. for example, does it mean that a friend i've known for 10 years should be more important then a friend i've known for a year, even though i seem to be able to share more things with this friend of a year. pardon me, but i've always thought that knowing another person is how unique lives are interwined this way. if i've met this person and we can share things together, eg, thoughts, ideas, feelings, doesn't it show how lucky we'll be able to become friends?
an incident happened to this friend of mine, and made me think, of friendships. they've known each other for about 8 years, and her friend accused her of treasuring friends she've known for less then 3 years then her of 8 years. to me, it's kind of stupid, when the things they are arguing about, of all, is about a guy. throwing a friendship for a guy, if u ask me, is pretty stupid... *groans* well, i'm really in no position to judge, perhaps, asking my friend's friend to be less selfish and think of my friend's point of view. *shakes head* although, i think that is unlikely to happen.
well, i'm not very capable of handling things in this particular department myself. however, i'm finding myself happier and lighter compared to previous semesters. what is happiness? perhaps, to me, it's simply, living for myself and not for others. not having to put on so much of a front. life is simpler this way. yes, i'm selfish, i want what's best for myself, well, i think, i have lived too much for others when they don't even give shit loads about me. :p haha, that's a little bias, well, i rather see less of people's "face colour" then giving my own "face colour". once again, my judgement about friendship, perhaps, our lives are not meant to be interwined.
my english is becoming poorer as the day passes. been speaking more mandarin then ever! aargh! i've been trying to articulate properly, it's my fear that i'll lose the ability to put sentences together! haha. well, it's happening bit by bit already... :(
anyway, the holidays, albeit, for a week, it's a much anticipated one for me. gonna go for many kbox sessions, movies, and of course, jogs, and sleep!!! a much dreaded quiz. BUT life's really great with the holidays!
ps, we are gonna go for kbox right??? haha.... miss mugging with u.... take care in US!!!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
updates. updates. updates.
ok, it's not really that bad. updating my blog in like 3 weeks. haha. have been watching too much tv shows on youtube. much too much. :P well, not totally, i have been somewhat hardworking this semester, trying to do tutorials, admist ponning lectures. sigh, have been missing far too much classes this semester. it's not that i've lacked the drive as seen in previous semesters, on the contrary, i've been more hardworking. just lazy to go to school.
damn, it's the 179 queue all over again. i have to wake up 10 minutes earlier!!! just to be in sch in time. it doesn't use to be this way. sigh. 10 minutes is very previous to me! :P
have been watching movies like crazy this weeks. the recent ones i have caught are 1408, the bourne ultimatum, ratatouille, hairspray. my favourite one is hairspray! i just love musicals! the energy is infectious! haha, and, zac efron, is so cute! well, i love his eyes.... :P
juggling between music studies and piano is a little challenging right now. have not been practising as much as i should. hopefully, it's enough for the lesson later on. =)
my parents are in silk road now. juggling household chores, school, piano and tv time is definite very challenging. probably, that's why i have been forsaking school. sigh, i know it's wrong. i have to try to do work today!!! haha....
the holidays are around the corner. hopefully, get to go kbox at least once! there's a holiday spread in today's papers. haha, i feel so much like going to australia! =) well, but i don't think i have the company. :( oh wells... =)
work hard this semester :) you go girl!
*ps: miss you lots!
damn, it's the 179 queue all over again. i have to wake up 10 minutes earlier!!! just to be in sch in time. it doesn't use to be this way. sigh. 10 minutes is very previous to me! :P
have been watching movies like crazy this weeks. the recent ones i have caught are 1408, the bourne ultimatum, ratatouille, hairspray. my favourite one is hairspray! i just love musicals! the energy is infectious! haha, and, zac efron, is so cute! well, i love his eyes.... :P
juggling between music studies and piano is a little challenging right now. have not been practising as much as i should. hopefully, it's enough for the lesson later on. =)
my parents are in silk road now. juggling household chores, school, piano and tv time is definite very challenging. probably, that's why i have been forsaking school. sigh, i know it's wrong. i have to try to do work today!!! haha....
the holidays are around the corner. hopefully, get to go kbox at least once! there's a holiday spread in today's papers. haha, i feel so much like going to australia! =) well, but i don't think i have the company. :( oh wells... =)
work hard this semester :) you go girl!
*ps: miss you lots!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
bullet train
each week, i wait fervently for fridays to come. the signify the short freedom that i have from school. just one more day, and it is time for freedom again. haiz, i'll never keep to my rules of sleeping by 11pm everyday, completing my tutorials in time. somehow, another module always overwrites everything. just hope that i'm putting in enough, i really want to do better.
the things that are going well are my projects. well, in the sense, not much things that has to be done within this period. i can relax a little. and jap, i'm starting to get the hang of things. and best of all! my piano! i'm so gald that my life has taken on a sort of routine. :)
haha, i met this really nice guy recently. somehow, i can't help but wish that maybe it's my turn to have some luck in my love life. well, at least it sure beats your mom complaining about it all the time. *groans* somehow, it's funny how the parents want yet the children doesn't want it. well, we shall see....
to peishan:
i'm gonna miss you lots. the phone calls, anytime, any night, anyday.
the occassional messages of how are yous.
studying (hahahaha)
take care alright. :)
may december come quickly.... :)
the things that are going well are my projects. well, in the sense, not much things that has to be done within this period. i can relax a little. and jap, i'm starting to get the hang of things. and best of all! my piano! i'm so gald that my life has taken on a sort of routine. :)
haha, i met this really nice guy recently. somehow, i can't help but wish that maybe it's my turn to have some luck in my love life. well, at least it sure beats your mom complaining about it all the time. *groans* somehow, it's funny how the parents want yet the children doesn't want it. well, we shall see....
to peishan:
i'm gonna miss you lots. the phone calls, anytime, any night, anyday.
the occassional messages of how are yous.
studying (hahahaha)
take care alright. :)
may december come quickly.... :)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
expectations and losses
everyone seems to think that their life is the worst. ain't that the case? so that, when they arrive home, they expect everyone to accept their tempers, mood swings, etc, as nobody has it any worse then them. i'm no exception. however, a brand new day will begin, and another day will start with its new moods an tempers. so, why can't these people start sparing a thought for others around them, and, perhaps, they can see that their lives are not the worst of all.
lost, who hasn't lose things? and why do everyone seem to think that what they have lost is so much more than others? perhaps, by looking around, and sparing a thought for those who has lost even more, a home, a family..., ain't that worse?
i'm sick and tired of people expecting things from me. i've done what all u have wanted me to do. nobody has ever asked me what i'm facing, and results is what i'm expected to produce. and if i can't, it's my fault. damn, i'm trying my best to try and live up to all expectations and i'm very tired about it. try feeling stupid in a group of people when i don't even have to have the feeling of feeling this way. try to impress the tutors among people who are even better than you, when i don't even need to do this. what does all this point towards to? a better grade? in a stupid environment where i don't even want to be in. why am i doing all of this? for myself? if i have a choice, i would not choose this path. because i have none, because i know that i'm expected to graduate, wear the stupid gown, from a university. i have never thought of any other paths. yet, no one understands. taunts, insults, and i'm expected to accpet all of those? i've accepted whenever i'm being critised, yet, nobody ever understands how i feel. i've never expected to be asked, just to leave me alone sometimes. u have your bad days, why can't i have mine?
lost, i seem to have lost many things. a good friend to a boyfriend. the person i love to a friend. my confidence to a group of achievers. many things. yet, i can still laugh and see things positively. move forward, that's what i'm trying so damn hard to do, and why must all of you come poke me here and then. to hurt me even more? at peace, finding the peace, that's all i ever wanted to do. there are so many other things to live for, i'm living for them now. give me the peace.
lost, who hasn't lose things? and why do everyone seem to think that what they have lost is so much more than others? perhaps, by looking around, and sparing a thought for those who has lost even more, a home, a family..., ain't that worse?
i'm sick and tired of people expecting things from me. i've done what all u have wanted me to do. nobody has ever asked me what i'm facing, and results is what i'm expected to produce. and if i can't, it's my fault. damn, i'm trying my best to try and live up to all expectations and i'm very tired about it. try feeling stupid in a group of people when i don't even have to have the feeling of feeling this way. try to impress the tutors among people who are even better than you, when i don't even need to do this. what does all this point towards to? a better grade? in a stupid environment where i don't even want to be in. why am i doing all of this? for myself? if i have a choice, i would not choose this path. because i have none, because i know that i'm expected to graduate, wear the stupid gown, from a university. i have never thought of any other paths. yet, no one understands. taunts, insults, and i'm expected to accpet all of those? i've accepted whenever i'm being critised, yet, nobody ever understands how i feel. i've never expected to be asked, just to leave me alone sometimes. u have your bad days, why can't i have mine?
lost, i seem to have lost many things. a good friend to a boyfriend. the person i love to a friend. my confidence to a group of achievers. many things. yet, i can still laugh and see things positively. move forward, that's what i'm trying so damn hard to do, and why must all of you come poke me here and then. to hurt me even more? at peace, finding the peace, that's all i ever wanted to do. there are so many other things to live for, i'm living for them now. give me the peace.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
it has been a long time
it's really been a long time since i've last blogged. the part of me that wants to hide has emerged again. sometimes, i'm really tired of this hide-and-seek game, wondering how long will it still continue? or simply, its a human nature to hide? really tired....
today, i'm shocked. rather, it has been a long time, too long, in fact, that someone just tell me something about myself, something as it is. i appreciate the honesty and will try my best to change. i've been pondering about this issue for some time and did not realise that it shows. should i forsake the present and move back to the past or vice versa? i've been trying to strike a balance between the two and have hurt (not literally) both parties. i did not expect it to be that difficult, perhaps, by the unwelcomed presence. i've been veering between 2 extremities of characteristics. damn, is it that easy for me to change, or rather, is it that hard to just be myself? have i been too used to hiding? damn....
been irritated of late by childish behaviour. it wasn't that so in the past. i've changed? or perhaps, i've no longer welcome the comforts of laughter, which is irritating. life is indeed confusing at times. sometimes, i feel like i'm in the middle, with strings attached all over, and being pulled. i don't know where to go, and is this the price i have to pay? i don't know, sometimes, i think, it's not a price, perhaps, a much need experience to learn how to strike a balance? i'm positive...
the strong urge not to get hurt is within me so strongly. i have not felt my defence level this high in ages. perhaps, it has to do with people assuming too much, taking things for granted. some may wonder, how long am i gonna keep this enemity up? and i wonder, is it enemity? perhaps, it's just the part of me that really doesn't want to get hurt. and i'm really tired of protecting myself, can't i just let go, go with the flow, without thinking that all of u are out to get me? it's hard, and somehow, the refusal to even try a little tells alot? is it that the hurt has already gone beyond repair? i don't even feel a thing, the anger refuses to engulf me anymore, ain't that even worse than at least feeling something?
just wanna live this one year peacefully, without being disturbed.... i'm extreme sometimes. and i just want my own peace. perhaps, i can finally achieve it, without hurting people that i care about....
damn, 205, stupid and demanding module....
today, i'm shocked. rather, it has been a long time, too long, in fact, that someone just tell me something about myself, something as it is. i appreciate the honesty and will try my best to change. i've been pondering about this issue for some time and did not realise that it shows. should i forsake the present and move back to the past or vice versa? i've been trying to strike a balance between the two and have hurt (not literally) both parties. i did not expect it to be that difficult, perhaps, by the unwelcomed presence. i've been veering between 2 extremities of characteristics. damn, is it that easy for me to change, or rather, is it that hard to just be myself? have i been too used to hiding? damn....
been irritated of late by childish behaviour. it wasn't that so in the past. i've changed? or perhaps, i've no longer welcome the comforts of laughter, which is irritating. life is indeed confusing at times. sometimes, i feel like i'm in the middle, with strings attached all over, and being pulled. i don't know where to go, and is this the price i have to pay? i don't know, sometimes, i think, it's not a price, perhaps, a much need experience to learn how to strike a balance? i'm positive...
the strong urge not to get hurt is within me so strongly. i have not felt my defence level this high in ages. perhaps, it has to do with people assuming too much, taking things for granted. some may wonder, how long am i gonna keep this enemity up? and i wonder, is it enemity? perhaps, it's just the part of me that really doesn't want to get hurt. and i'm really tired of protecting myself, can't i just let go, go with the flow, without thinking that all of u are out to get me? it's hard, and somehow, the refusal to even try a little tells alot? is it that the hurt has already gone beyond repair? i don't even feel a thing, the anger refuses to engulf me anymore, ain't that even worse than at least feeling something?
just wanna live this one year peacefully, without being disturbed.... i'm extreme sometimes. and i just want my own peace. perhaps, i can finally achieve it, without hurting people that i care about....
damn, 205, stupid and demanding module....
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