post-batam

what a hectic week.... i love what happened the past week, yet abhor some things too.... haha, all in all, a balance life... sort of.... went batam for audit. it was my first time there, and boy, it does feel nice to travel business class, for business purposes, haha.... albeit in a ferry.... =)

it was the usual audit performed at the company. i got to hear office politics, lots of it in fact... suddenly many things seem to tie up. it's really scary how i have to keep my mouth shut and all. just hope that by lending a listening ear, i have not gotten into trouble... sigh, even though gossip is nice, at a cost, it's not worth it.... anyway, just 4 more weeks!! oh my! i can't believe it, soon, i can rest!!! haha.... i can't wait man...

at the beginning, the idea of working is really tiring and irritating. just hate the idea of going to work all the time. however, there was one day when, somehow, i just fit my motions into my usual routine, and, it doesn't seem so tiring and irritating anymore. it's just part and parcel of life? many people say studying is better than working, i haven't arrive at my own conclusions yet. BUT, i realise that, when working, colleagues are just colleagues, at the end of the day, they mean nothing much. in school, it's rather different, we have to face the people we interact with at the end of the day.... my senior told me about her own experiences, which i agree... as we get older, we are more exposed to the idea of competition. no matter how much someone wants to get away from it, it will still haunt us.

i hate the idea of competition, and i try to abstain from it. however, i realise, i can't stop others from comparing, competing. no matter what people say, they do compare. i'm no exception. i hide from it, because i hate it, and i do not wish to see it in front of me. i also realise that i can no longer run away from it any longer. i will not drown in useless competition, even though, it is part and parcel of life, but, perhaps, just try not to get angry and agitated whenever i'm faced with it.... haha, many things to learn indeed...

family family family.... just about family i guess....

sigh, work is boring right now..... hope that the last month passes very quickly!!! =)

Whispers

it is amazing to me how much you think you know about people and how much you think they know about you, and yet, the result is that, we really don't know anything much.... when word travels to me about someone i know, yet, the words that surrounds my world and another's world is so different. malicious gossip can cause harm, however, even simple getting-to-know about one another in school, reaps dangerous and unspoken thoughts.

singapore is indeed a small place, where, almost everyone knows one another, such that, even if we want to fight out of one place, we cannot escape the arms of another environment, which is vastly indifferent from where we just came out of. is that good or bad? well, we will have the comfort of knowing that we will be surrounded by people we know, that at least, in the crowd of familiar faces, there will be a real person out there. however, is the real person out there just one or there's adequate warmth to sustain us. often, we do not know, and often, we are the ones who cause this distance and unfamilarity.

games, even at this point in time, people still play games. i have stopped questioning the singnificance of it, but, i've yet to attain ignorance towards it. do i still care? quoting from an expert from lifestyle, "it takes at least two years to cease the pain of losing someone close to you". that does ring a bell, but, no matter how much time it takes, it will surely cease? yes, it will.

i've thought that i will be unhappy for this period of time, how wrong i can be. even though the happiness is not sustainable, at least, i'm happy for now, and will keep this happiness for as long as i can, before another dark cloud befalls me.... =)

7

so it comes one day, the feeling of tiredness, the unwillingness to carry on, the reluctance to wake up, the refusal to believe of a good start, basically, the routine mechanism of life that threatens every essence of my very existence right now.

i've always resisted any form to tie me down to a system. through this internship stint, it just reinforces my habits, the way i want to live life. i can't stand sitting behind the desk and not doing anything else except just work. i keep fidgeting and trying not to fall asleep. damn, if u can see the number of times i yawn.... haiz, and the worse thing is, working under someone, i hate answering to anybody with regards to anything. someone, all the signs keep pointing to another career path. right now, don't really know what i want to do, but, i do fear choosing the wrong road and being unhappy for the rest of the next seven years or so.... sigh...

i dislike the politics in school, i hate the politics at work. i hate being judge of my capabilities, i hate being compared to another, i hate having to prove myself of something, i hate the look when your senior gives when a mistake is committed. maybe i'm a teeny weeny bit sensitive, i just hate being ruled, judged and observed. sometimes, i really wonder, where does this lead me then? somehow, i'm trapped in my body, where my soul yearns to fly.... to a place where i know i truly be contended.... the answer, i think i have, the resolute, i've yet to acquire, the consequences, i don't want to even imagine...

life is truly meaningless.... well, practicality still rules the day... another year, it will pass quickly, and i may just be able to kiss all the things that don't matter good bye....

6

The previous entry was dedicated to someone. So, gonna start blogging again! Haha, have not been blogging much due to working. I have been sleeping earlier then ever and watching TV!!! Haha… the only thing I have not done well is losing weight…. Sigh, really hope to lose the much needed weight… getting fatter by the day!!! Save me! Ps! Yes! Gym one day…. Haha….

Wondering why am I blogging fervently right now? I’m bored at work…. Aargh! There’s too much people, yet, not enough work to be distributed. However, I’m kind of lucky, as I’m in the team with a lot of work to complete. Have been given a case on my own, wow, sometimes, I’m a little overwhelmed at how much I know and don’t know, filling in the blanks is relatively simple. The challenge for me is to understand how much I know when I’m filling in the blanks. Still at it, trying to figure things out… =)

All the interns were given a chance to go to Batam. Haha, the other intern and I drew lots, and I got it!! Initially, there was a discussion between the senior and supervisor, however, the outcome was to draw lots. In my heart, I really thought that the other gal would be chosen. By a stroke of luck, the chance was given to me. Really wonder who would they have chosen…. Hmmz, but I got it!! Haha, gonna enjoy my time there….! At least, it makes the time crawl…. =) I’m excited!!!

Exams results are out… haha, finally, am able to face my exam results with the usually optimism I have. Perhaps, I’m too used with the lousiness of the results, therefore, not too affected with the outcome. After this internship stint, I’ve come to realize that results does not mean anything much. If I sux at it, I get lesser pay for a start. I might not be able to get into the BIG 4, but, I’ll still get a job. The higher your result go, does not really equal to what you can do. I’m learning right now, so are all new accounts assistant…. So, haha…. Not gonna waste my time and energy feeling sad anymore…. Partly, I think I’m not in school anymore, not surrounded by people who do well, who doesn’t care for anything except for their results. I finally do see people who are the same standard as me, which means, I can stop feeling lousy. It sux, when my self-esteem takes a damn good beating from being exposed to too many people who are good. Well, I’ve never aimed to be the best, but to try my best in anything I do…. Realize, I bring the way I live to the way I teach my students…. =) giving your best, it’s enough…. =)

Well, many things have been said, yet, sadly, a lot more have been left unsaid….

Anyway, internship is fun! Haha, perhaps, there’s many of us working together…. Gonna upload some photos… take a look!!!

The 8 of US!! Weiyun's birthday!

Birthday gal and me! =)

It's supposed to be LE4! hAhA!!

4

finally, one day of rest.... sigh, working is becoming a dread, day after day, doing things that is just so irritatingly irritating. i tend to fidget most of the time and is really punctual when it's time for break. i really wonder how am i going to spend the rest of my life desk-bound. even when i'm out at client's place, i tend to stand and do my work. i'm so dead, is there any job that doesn't require me to stay still? haiz, i can just dream on? yeah....

woke up at 1130 am today, and got a shock. have not have the luxury of staying in late for a while. was at the power house last night, the music was nice, better than mos. guess that i can never be a clubbing gal, can't really enjoy it totally. just can't get into the mind of people who do enjoy it. haha. however, observing the nightlife in singapore once in a while kind of make me feel that i'm not so stuck in my world of normalcy.

once again, could not help but think about stuff, guess that, most of us often do think about things, it's only whether we bother to air our thoughts. feeling rather relaxed nowadays, with a sense of newfound freedom, that i'm not being restricted, bounded or even have the obligation towards anything. this feeling would not last for long, however, i shall enjoy it while it last. everything has an expiry date, and, my freedom, it will, but i will find it again... =)

i think, i'm done with trying to maintain a friendship, or even normal working relationships. hate the young sometimes, there is definitely a generation gap, and i don't even understand why am i doing so much, perhaps, i pity u, and i let it bother me. well, i hate not being able to speak my mind towards anything, i hate being restricted just because of the presence of certain people, well, screw u, i'm not going to try anymore. whatever sympathy i have, it's gone... =)

sigh, work=no time. many things i want to do, stuff i want arrange, yet, i'm being restricted by work, which, i have to be restricted even more in future. however, one good thing is that i can daydream. haha.... oops, it's our secret... =)

have u ever wondered how it feels to be loved so much, yet expecting nothing in return. for the receipient of this love, it's free, however, for the person giving this love, it comes at a high cost. i have been at both ends before, and, it's a burden. the reason that i mentioned this is that ps has let me think about things. haha, just can't help but muse at my own situation.

love, which gal doesn't one to be in it. which gal doesn't want to be protected, to trust, to have the security of someone, the fact that u know u have someone by your side wherever u want. kind of tired, that i have to constantly look out for myself. however, happy, that i do not have to commit towards anything. how do u strike this balance? the grass seems to be always greener on the other side, but is it really? at what cost, sometimes, people pay when they are in a couple. haha, i'm cynical. well, so long, i guess, it comes, it comes.

Dear God, the faith to love, believe and trust You, has deepened. Thank you.

3

i've been not so active on the internet life recently.... work, tv and sleep do occupy me a lot... can't understand sometimes, have been sleeping much more than i used to, even more than when i go to sch, yet i can't help but want to sleep all the time.... recently, things have been getting rather stressful, doing things that i don't really comprehend.... darn, and i hate feeling helpless... anyway, have resolved that, it's really none of my business, i'm not staying in the company anyway... haha...

something happened in the office today which puts me in a foul mood. somehow, i feel that i'm responsible for a senior being reprimanded. however, circumstances are not what it seems and that my supervisor has put both of in such a situation that results in it? hopefully, can put my unhappiness aside and just continue working.... sigh....

going to sleep soon! blog more soon!

2

the war i have with blogger is such a strange and interesting phenomenem. just when i start a new one, the old one is workable... still in a dilemna whether to have a new one or just continue with this.... give it a couple of days, and see if i can let go... i don't let go easily, haha, so i'll just go back in future? anyway, time heals all wounds, perhaps, it's not so hard to let go after all...

work is busy and tiring... i don't find it challenging, perhaps, there is no time constraint, as when i was at kpmg. i keep feeling that i'm on the go all the time, and, with that, i feel really motivated to complete the job. however, i don't feel it now, at sometimes, i really feel like screaming, where is the urgency?? perhaps, a smaller firm has lesser projects and fewer deadlines, i'll just have to get used to it? i'm really strange. when i find life boring, i try to find challenges, sometimes, creating problems just so life will not be that monotonous.... and when life is busy, i always wish for it to go away. perhaps, when i'm busy, i usually am with the things i don't like.

today, the client mentioned something really striking. yes, when u do something that u don't like, u don't often do as well as something that u like. even in most people who do really well, something is still lacking, unless u really have the motivation i guess....

watched bridge to terabitha (think it's spelt like this but i'm lazy to check) yesterday with wx, hq and hm! haha, it's a nice show, just lacking in more dreamlike scenes.... but it was fun catching up!!! =)

ok! work! haiz.... 9 more weeks, it'll pass...